


Secrets Kept, Secrets Told

by raelee514



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Emmerdale Big Bang Round 3, M/M, mentions of both physical and sexual abuse, prodigal son returns, soulmate connection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 74,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21691585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raelee514/pseuds/raelee514
Summary: Robert and Aaron have always had a connection.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 45
Kudos: 194
Collections: Emmerdale Big Bang Round 3 2019





	1. Secrets Kept

Part One: Secrets Kept

Robert Fifteen, Aaron Eleven

Robert

Robert leaned against the wall of the barn, toying with the handle of a rake as he watched Mark muck out a stall. It was hot and humid out, summer in full force, and he’d taken off his shirt. Mark was lean and all muscle. He wasn’t much older than Robert, maybe only a year or so, and they’d been getting on really well. Which was different and strange, really, Robert usually didn’t have much in common with the farmhands just like he didn’t have much common ground with his father or Andy. But Mark watched Doctor Who, and he liked to read. He’d caught Robert skiving off in the barn the first day, reading The Stand, and struck up a conversation about it. Robert thought they were maybe mates, but as he watched Mark’s body move as he mucked out the stall, he felt weird, like something was buzzing underneath his skin. It made him uncomfortable, it made him blush. 

“You know, you could help me?” Mark said, stopping for a second and looking back at him, his grin showing off deep-dimpled cheeks. 

“I’m supervising, my farm innit?” 

“Wouldn’t let your dad hear you say that.”

“I don’t care what he thinks,” Robert said. 

“Why is that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…” He dropped his rake and walked over toward Robert. “Been working here a few weeks now, and you, your dad, your brother… It doesn’t seem like normal trouble.”

Robert clenched his jaw. 

“Rob?” Mark moved closer, and his hand landed on his shoulder. “We’re mates, yeah?”

It felt like Mark’s palm was heavy and hot against him, and he found himself wondering how it’d feel against his skin. He couldn’t help thinking he should shrug off the touch or tell Mark to keep his hands off. It was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t. Because he looked up into dark eyes and felt that weird buzz again accompanied with the idea he could trust Mark. Robert hoped he wasn’t blushing, that the heat he felt was from the weather. He opened his mouth and words he never said out loud flew out. “Andy killed my Mum, and no one cares.”

Mark jolted in shock, Robert thought, but his hand stayed firmly in place. And that made it easy for him to go on. “They’re all on Andy’s side — Dad, Vic, the village. All feeling sorry for him because it was an accident... Like that makes it okay, she’s…gone…” he sniffled. “He started the fire. He did it.”

“The barn…” Mark stammered, referring to another barn on the farm, the one getting rebuilt. Robert was refusing to help and getting lectures for it. Getting assigned to the worst chores on the farm for refusing to step foot near it. But he wouldn’t do it, he wouldn’t step place near where his Mum died. He couldn’t. It was bad enough seeing it every day. It was bad enough being in his own home every day and seeing her pictures all around. It hurt to see Victoria because it was her smile — and it made him jealous too. Jealous, he couldn’t look in a mirror and see her. He hated she was his step-mum when it came down to it because that wasn't right. He’d loved her more than anything, why weren’t they blood? Why hadn’t Dad saved her? Why had Andy started that fire? He hated it, all of it, and he missed her more every day instead of less — wasn’t it meant to get better. But how could it with reminders all around. How could he when it seemed like he was the only one left who cared? 

“They act like I should’ve forgiven and forgotten by now like all this time’s passed, but it’s not even been a year.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark said, and he was shaking his head. “I can’t imagine.”

“I miss her,” he whispered, and suddenly, he was being hugged. 

Robert let out a surprised gasp, but let Mark wrap his arms around him. He slotted their bodies together like it was nothing. Robert felt confused by how aware he was of all of it. It added to how vulnerable and raw he felt. How shocked he was that he'd spoken any of it out loud and wondered if he’d made a mistake. And Mark was a bit taller than him, so Robert found his face against a bare shoulder. Body heat and sweat surrounding him and an instinct to shove Mark away from him rose up simultaneously with one to hold on tighter. It was something he couldn’t pinpoint or understand. There was buzzing under his skin again, and he felt tears on his face. His mum was in his mind, but everything about it was feeling more and more out of reach. But someone had just listened. And no one ever listened. He burrowed into Mark and hugged him back — and realized his last hug was his mum. No one had hugged him sense and felt like this might be it. A farmer’s helper was the only one who would. No one else cared. His chin wobbled, and more tears stung his eyes and started to shake with it. 

“Hey, hey,” Mark tightened his arms around him. 

Robert was wrecked by the sadness, the loneliness that been filling him more and more each day. And the anger, the anger that felt like it was becoming the bones of him. He tightened his grip on Mark despite the spike of embarrassment from bawling. Despite a piece of him still thinking he should shove him away. But Mark was whispering at him, near his ear, repeating two words over and over again. “It’s okay, Rob, it’s okay.” And it wasn’t, of course, it wasn’t, but it was nice to hear it. Despite it being a lie. Because he knew Mark was on his side, for once, someone listened to him. And it being Mark, that meant something more, because he liked him. He liked him, and he felt himself try to breathe in the scent of him, despite his nose being clogged up from crying. 

They stood there, hugging, for a while, and Robert knew, it was longer than it needed to be, but he hadn’t wanted to let go — he wondered if Mark felt the same. When they finally did move to pull apart, they only managed to get halfway there. Robert’s hands were on Mark’s elbows, and Marks's hands were on his waist. Mark was looking at him in a way that made him blush. He felt self-conscious, remembering how hard he’d been crying. But suddenly, there was a thumb wiping at the tears that remained on his cheek, dragging up his cheekbone. Mark pulled his hand away quickly and looked down. And Robert was sure he was blushing too, and the buzz under his skin got louder. 

“Rob…” Mark’s dark eyes were looking at him again and Robert felt his insides flip, as Mark’s hands tightened on his waist, and he seemed to loom closer. Robert’s eyes flicked to his lips, and he chose not to stop it…

“Robert…” Aaron Dingle’s voice seemed much louder than it needed to be… His shout made Mark jump about a foot away from Robert. And now Robert knew Mark was blushing. They both were, deep red and unable to look at each other, and Robert scrambled to pick up the rake and tried to look natural as he answered Aaron’s shout.  
  
Eleven-year-old Aaron Dingle appeared, faster than Robert expected him, and his breath caught a bit as he met Aaron’s eyes. Aaron always looked a bit defiant and got some guff for it from most people. Not Robert, though, he knew what the kid been through. The whole damn village did, and Robert knew what it was like to wish Emmerdale wasn’t so small that they everyone in it knew your secrets. His was a dead mum. Aaron’s was a pervert father. Robert purposely never thought about it much. Just looked out for the kid — because he and Adam Barton seemed to be able to do what no one else had managed. They made Victoria remember she was a kid, that liked to play and laugh. So, all three of them were mainstays at the farm this summer. Helping with small jobs and getting underfoot the rest of the time. 

Aaron also somehow got the job as being his dad and Andy’s messenger when they wanted stuff from Robert but couldn’t be bothered to ask him themselves. Robert almost felt sorry for the kid about it — caught in the middle, and he tried not to kill the messenger, but he’d given the kid an earful more than once. But right now, he felt almost relieved that Aaron interrupted — maybe. He felt restless and strange and disappointed. But scared, scared that it was for the best nothing happened — what was about to happen? Robert looked at Mark and felt himself blush again. 

“What?” Robert repeated again as Aaron fell to stop in the space between him and Mark. 

Aaron handed a piece of crumpled paper and shrugged. “Vic’s coming back to the Bartons with Adam and me, and your dad and Andy went into Hotten. They need you to finish up a few things and start supper for the three of ya.”

Robert rolled his eyes, and Mark was closer again and ripping the paper out of his hands. “Finish up, this is almost everything Andy was meant to be doing in the east field?”

“Katie was over,” Aaron said. 

“He let him slack off with Katie?” Robert asked, despite knowing the answer. Andy got to live by different rules than he did, and he hated it. “Whatever,” he groused. 

“Moira here yet?” he asked.

“Yeah…”

“Okay, go on… and tell Victoria to call me if she needs anything, yeah?” 

Aaron shrugged but glanced between him and Mark before he turned around and left the barn. Robert watched him go, his entrance into the barn been pretty fast, and his voice had seemed too loud… He felt a bit of a panic of what he may have seen. But he shook it off. Aaron Dingle wasn’t a grass, and what if he saw something. There wasn’t anything to see… it’d just been a hug. It was embarrassing, but it wasn’t world-shattering. He pushed it away and leaned against the wall of the barn again, and held out his hand for the list. 

Mark handed it to him, and their gaze caught. Something about it made Robert smile, and Mark mirrored him. “Is Katie that blonde that comes over and makes cow eyes at your brother?”

“Yeah.” Robert rolled his eyes. “She’s nice and all, just has questionable taste…” he looked at the list, and Mark was right. It was like Andy hadn’t done a thing all day and now he had to do it. “I feel like bloody Cinderella.”

Mark snorted. 

“Ain’t a lie, though,” Robert groaned. 

“Let’s blow it off then,” Mark said. 

“What?”

“They left, right, didn’t make sure the kid gave you the list. Just say he never told ya, not like he’ll get in trouble.”

“No… Dad’s looking for a reason to hate Aaron…”

“What?”

“He’s a Dingle…it’s a hangup my Dad has… they make Vic happy though, him and the Barton boy.”

“Yeah, whatever… we’ve been working since dawn, it’ll be past sunset by the time we finish here and then do all of Andy’s work. We should blow it off.”

“You’ll get fired,” Robert said, and that put a sudden fire under him to do the chores. 

“Shit…” Mark sighed. “I haven’t even made half of the money, I need either…”

“What’s it for?” Robert asked. 

“A computer?”

“Yeah? What kind?” he asked, his eyes lighting up. “Saving for one too.”

Mark grinned at him, the one that showed off his dimples, and Robert felt stunned. “You’re so great.”

“I am?” Robert whispered back, surprised. 

Mark blushed, and Robert wondered if he’d meant to say that out loud. And yeah, something was happening between them. And he shouldn’t let it. He knew that that, but the weird buzzing under his skin felt good. It wasn’t like he could stop staring at Mark, he’d tried. He couldn’t stop liking him. And he was being liked back — and that felt good too. Maybe it was wrong, he knew his dad would think it was wrong. But Mark cared about him, and no one else did, and maybe that meant it’d be okay? 

“Guess we should do what’s on the list?” Mark asked after a beat.

Robert nodded. 

“Let me see the list, again?”

He handed him back the crumbled paper and ended up staring as Mark read it, his mouth moved a bit as he read the words. That proved it. He couldn’t stop staring and wasn’t really sure what it meant. He wondered if it really had to mean anything at all. Did it? Mark looked up and caught him, staring at his mouth. Robert tried to shift his eyes away and not look panicked. But Mark smiled at him and was suddenly close enough to put his hand on Robert’s shoulder again. “Rob…I…you can always talk about her — your mum. If you wanted?”

It was too much. He felt overwhelmed and thought maybe he’d let himself be too vulnerable. He thought maybe he trusted Mark and he knew he liked him. This just proved why, because he saw him — or at least some of him. He nodded, not wanting to seem ungrateful. He knew, though, he wouldn’t let today repeat. He wouldn’t be bawling on anyone’s shoulder again. It was too much, and he felt really weird now. Like he’d shown too much of himself. He wouldn’t regret it though, it’d shown him he could trust Mark a bit. And it was a weird feeling because he hadn’t felt it since his mum died. He couldn’t trust his Dad or Andy. Andy killed mum, and his dad was covering it up for him. No one cared what he thought, no one thought about him. No one understood he’d lost his mum — no one understood how important she’d been to him. He looked at Mark and was grateful. Really grateful. He wouldn’t tell him more, but he’d asked, somehow had noticed him. 

It felt good. 

~~~

A week later, Robert knew Mark was the only reason he was surviving the summer. They were laughing, harder than justified at something Robert barely remembered, but he kept egging Mark on because he wanted to see his dimples. As they made their way up the porch steps, he noticed his dad was at the top of them, and he braced himself for a lecture. 

“It’s good to see you smiling, son.” Jack messed up Robert’s hair like he was still a kid. He blinked up at him, confused by the familial action, confused by the niceness, not that it lasted long. “But that fence should’ve been done by now, so less skiving and more work. I want you both back up that field within the hour, or I’m docking Mark’s pay.” 

It could never just be something nice. He glanced over at Mark, and he was rolling his eyes at his dad. That felt nice. Everything with Mark felt nice and good. He already knew that Mark was the first person to make him smile since his mum died. The first person to make him laugh. He knew it. Maybe that was why he always felt so buzzed around him. Maybe that was more to do with how he could never stop staring at him, more than being fit, more than his dimples being nice. Robert gulped and looked away. He shouldn’t think these things, he knew it, but Mark made him feel good.

“Let’s drink our lemonade outside,” Mark offered. “By that old tree, out back? I don’t want to put up with your brother and those kids.” 

“Yeah, I’ll bring them out, go ahead,” he said, not wanting to deal with Andy either. He frowned when he saw Katie was over again, her and Andy sitting at the far side of the kitchen table leaned toward each other talking animatedly. He really wondered why someone so cute liked his brother that much. Though, she didn’t know he was a killer. No one did, but family, and that was how it would stay — sometimes he wondered why he went along with it. 

“Robert?” 

He looked over at Aaron. 

“I can’t eat this,” he showed him the sandwich on his plate. Robert sighed at the amount of celery on it — Chas Dingle made it very clear to them Aaron was allergic to it. 

“Andy, what the hell you make a celery sandwich for…” who even did that?

“Was all that was in there, Dad’s going shopping later.”

“Aaron’s bloody allergic.”

“He didn’t say.”

“I DID!” Aaron shouted.

“Oi, don’t shout.”

“Well, maybe if you listened to him instead of gazing at Katie’s stupid face, you’d have heard him in the first place,” Robert yelled and felt gratified when Andy blushed beet red and suddenly couldn’t look at Katie. 

“Andy, let’s just go sit on the porch,” Katie suggested and took his hand. She glared at Robert. “Why are you always so mean?” 

Robert rolled his eyes and turned to the refrigerator. Andy wasn’t wrong, there was barely anything in it. He sighed and went to the cupboards instead and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. “Toast and peanut butter, Aaron?”

Aaron shrugged, but Robert knew that was a yes, so he shoved some bread in the toaster and started to fill glasses of lemonade for him and Mark. He hoped Mark liked celery, as he glanced at the gross sandwiches Andy had made. He glanced at his sister, who was picking at hers and Adam, who was just glaring at the one on his plate. Andy probably hadn’t listened to Aaron, because what kid was going to eat what he made? 

“You two want peanut butter and toast too?”

“YESSSS,” Adam yelled dramatically. 

Robert heard Aaron snickering by his elbow and turned to him with a grin. “Look, go tell Mark, I’m gonna be longer?”

“Why not…” Aaron shrugged and took off. 

“Wait, I need to tell ya where he is..”

“I know,” Aaron shot back.

“Huh…” the toaster popped up, and he turned to shove more bread into it and to start slathering the peanut butter on it. He handed Vic the first one, and Aaron got the second as he came back. 

“He good?”

“He looked right pissed,” Aaron said. 

Robert sighed. 

“Why isn’t he in here?” Vic asked. 

“Didn’t wanna put with Andy.”

“Or us,” Aaron said. 

Robert shot him a look but handed him and Adam their food. “Uh, is Andy on the porch, still?” he asked Aaron.

“Yeah.”

“Good,” he grabbed the crappy celery sandwiches and the two glasses of lemonade. “Just a reminder it’s your bloody turn to watch them,” he snapped as he hurried past Andy and Katie. 

“Watch your tone, Robert,” his Dad’s voice boomed as he walked up the porch stairs. “You haven’t eaten yet,” he looked at the food in Robert’s hands. “I told you no skiving.”

“Dad, I had too…”

“No excuses, you eat that get up to the field.” 

Andy laughed, and Robert glared at him and stalked toward the backyard. He found Mark leaning against the old oak tree, facing the sprawling field instead of the house. “Aaron found ya, alright?”

“Course he did, kid always knows where you are — or aren’t…” Mark shook his head. 

“What?”

Mark laughed. “He follows you around.”

“No…he’s just is always sent to find us…” Robert handed him his glass and his sandwich.

“Uh, what is this?” Mark asked grossed out. 

“Just eat it, it’s all we’re getting.”

“Aaron said you were making food.”

“Yeah, for them, so they wouldn’t starve. This is what we’re stuck with.”

“Yeah, well, guess I’m starving…” he dropped the plate on the ground. 

Robert sighed and leaned next to him against the tree. “At least drink the lemonade.”

Mark made a face as he did. “You didn’t make this, did ya?”

“No, why?”

“Drink it.”

Robert took a gulp and spat it out. 

Mark laughed. 

“Do you think he added any sugar?” Robert groused. “Surprised the kids didn’t tell me.”

“Being bratty kids, most like…”

Robert laughed and dumped it into the grass by his feet, Mark following is lead. He took the dishes and pushed them over to the side, for later. He leaned against the tree. “This break sucks, and now it’s over.”

“Isn’t over yet,” Mark said.

Robert sighed. “We’ve gotta…” he lost his voice because Mark was suddenly in front of him, right in his space, and his hands slid onto his waist. His breath hitched. Mark's eyes ducked down to his mouth, and a split second later, Robert felt lips against his. He opened his mouth in surprise, and Mark’s lower lip slotted between his own and pressed harder. Robert felt stunned, it was his first kiss, and it was a boy. His hands flew up to Mark’s chest, ready to push him away, but he didn’t get the chance. 

“I…” Mark stuttered as he took a small step back. “I…that was…okay,” he asked, and he looked scared. 

Robert knew the feeling, but he also knew the minute Mark pulled back he wanted to feel his mouth again. It felt good, and it overpowered the voice telling him he couldn’t kiss a boy. He wanted to kiss a boy. He looked right at Mark and nodded his head because he couldn’t trust his voice. His hands were still on his chest, so he grabbed Mark’s shirt and pulled him by it. Mark’s mouth fell on his again, and this time Robert pressed back… It felt amazing, it felt good, and he wanted to hold onto the feeling for as long as he could. 

Only a tree branch cracking yanked him back to reality. The two of them jumped apart, and Robert felt terrified it was going to be his dad or Andy. They couldn’t know, they just couldn’t know. He liked riling them up, he was doing it on purpose as much as he could — but this, no they couldn’t know. His heart was in his mouth. 

But then his eyes found Aaron and relief flooded him. He glanced at Mark, to share it but found him looking scared and glancing between Aaron and him, nervously, his eyes full of panic. Robert looked back at Aaron, who was staring at them both with wide eyes and looking both confused and curious. Robert took a deep breath, knowing he had to take control of this situation. 

“Aaron, you can’t tell anyone.” 

Nothing in Aaron’s expression shifted, but his head bobbed up and down. It was a clear yes, and Robert felt another flood of relief and nodded back at Aaron. 

“I need to hear him say it,” Mark said. 

“He won’t…” Robert defended because he was certain. 

“Robert, he’s a kid…”

“I don’t grass,” Aaron snapped. “I won’t tell…but um, he wanted me to find you two and tell you to get up to the fence.”

Robert sighed but nodded at Aaron. “Of course, he did… Andy still sitting with Katie?”

Aaron nodded.

“Fine, tell him we’re going up there, alright, thanks.”

“Robert,” Mark snapped. 

Robert looked at his worried face and shook his head. “He won’t tell.”

“But…”

Robert went to ask Aaron to promise it, just to shut Mark up, but Aaron was already gone. Which was for the best, really. “He’s not gonna tell.”

“How are you so sure?”

“Cause…It’s Aaron,” he said, but he heard it and rolled his eyes at himself. “I just know, alright. He barely speaks anyway, and he’s a Dingle.”

“I still don’t know what that means.”

“Doesn’t matter…” Robert felt himself blushing as his eyes fell to Mark’s mouth again. “He won’t tell, all right. I’ll talk to him about it again if that’ll make you feel better.” 

Mark nodded. 

“Alright. Um, head up to the fence and get started, while I take the dishes inside.”

Mark nodded again, but he didn’t leave, and he swayed a bit closer to Robert. “Was nice…” he whispered. 

Robert licked his lips and nodded. He felt the impulse to lean forward and kiss him again but stopped himself. “Go.”

Mark laughed and headed off. Robert followed him with his eyes until he disappeared around the edge of the house. He leaned against the trunk of the tree, feeling the need to try to catch his breath. He tried process being kissed. Having his first kiss. He could feel the ghost of it on his lips, the feeling of Mark’s hands on his waist, his own on Mark’s chest. And he couldn’t stop smiling, but there was another nagging thought. He’d always imagined his first kiss would a be a girl. He never thought about it being a boy…. Not until Mark, who made him feel that buzzing under his skin. Who told him he was great and wanted to spend time with him. It’s wrong, he thought, liking this, liking him. It’s wrong.... 

But a piece of him was happy he never imagined kissing a boy because nothing would have beaten the truth of it. It was good. Real good. It felt amazing. Mark made him feel amazing, and he liked it.

It wouldn’t hurt, right, for one summer to do something like be with a boy. It didn’t have to mean anything at all. He'd been sad and alone until Mark showed up at the farm. This felt good. Could it really be that wrong? 

“Robert,” Aaron interrupted his thoughts as he came walking back around the house. “He’s getting mad.”

He swore under his breath, nodded, and fell into step behind Aaron. They made it halfway back to the house when he remembered what he promised Mark. He put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder and stopped him. Then he moved around him and bend down to his level and met his eyes. “I meant it. You can’t tell, you won’t, right?” 

Aaron nodded, and Robert believed him…but. “Aaron, promise?”

“Robert, he gets mad ya for no reason…. I’m not gonna make it worse on ya.” 

Robert blinked. 

“I promise,” Aaron added with a small shrug taking his silence for worry. 

But Robert wasn’t worried, he’d never had been… But he’d missed why he wasn’t worried, and now he knew. 

Aaron was on his side. 

~~~

Robert looked up from where he had his head down on the kitchen table when he heard the door open. For the first time since he met him, he felt disappointment at seeing Mark, who looked awkward, standing in the door frame, hands in his pockets, almost like he wasn’t sure if he should come in. 

Robert didn’t blame him, he’d witnessed one hell of a fight between him and his dad. Everyone had, except Andy — Robert guessed there were small favors. But the fight had been about Andy. Because Andy was off with Katie — again. It was like Andy kept getting permission to skive off while Robert was expected to be chained to the farm. He deserved to live a life too, and he deserved it more than Andy because he hadn’t killed Mum. 

And it was the bloody barn, where she died screaming, and he could still hear those screams. He woke up hearing them, every night, and he couldn’t look at that barn. It didn’t matter that it looked different now, all new wood and a newer design. It didn’t hide what it was to him. He looked at it, and he saw his mother dying, and he had to run from it. He had to tear his eyes away. He refused to have anything to do with it — and had been punished for it and stuck on the worst duties and lectured. But he thought it was over, the fight to keep away from it. He thought he’d won that battle. 

But not only was Andy out with Katie, his father expected him to do Andy’s chores for the day, which included staining that barn. Staining the barn his mum died in. He said no, and Jack lectured him, talking about how he’d been skiving too much the entire summer… And Robert just couldn’t take that lie anymore, because it wasn’t true. It just wasn’t true at all. He’d been mending fences, mucking stalls, feeding the lambs, cooking breakfast, tea, supper, doing the shopping, and taking care of Victoria, Aaron, and Adam. He’d been cleaning and doing laundry. He fought to make time for himself, time for him to breathe, to enjoy being with Mark. There was no way he been skiving the summer away, and there was no way he was staining that barn. He couldn’t do it, he could be in the place where his mum took her last breathe. Where he heard her dying, he couldn’t do it. His whole body and mind shuddered at the thought 

So he raised hell. He shouted in front of his sister, Aaron, Adam, and Mark about Andy killing mum — he didn’t care anymore, he wasn’t keeping it a secret. His so-called-brother killed his mum, and he was never going near that barn. He hated the entire farm, he hated the house, he hated his dad. He yelled at his dad, screamed how he hated him, and would never forgive him, blamed him for his mum too… 

But instead of shouting back, his dad got eerily quiet. He waited Robert out, and eventually, Robert just lost his breath, lost his voice, and was fighting to stop himself from crying. The moment he fell quiet, his father struck the final blow and informed Robert in a calm voice, disappointment lacing every single word that if Robert didn’t do as he was told, he would no longer have the privilege of going to the library on Sunday. 

It’d felt like a punch to the gut, and he wanted to scream again, but he couldn’t. His voice was gone, but his anger wasn’t. His anger flared up in his gut, and it burned brighter because it was a low blow. It was the worst thing his father could do, and Jack Sugden new it. He knew it would cut Robert, he knew it was cruel. Robert saw his dad flinch right after he said — like he’d just destroyed himself and not his son. The library was the only thing he had left. It was the only real thing he had left of his mother. They always had reading in common, books, and a love for the quiet of the library. Every Sunday, he and his mum had a mother-son date, and he always looked forward to it. And going every Sunday, now, it was one of the only ways he had to feel close to her that didn’t hurt — it didn’t hurt because it was like she was still there and still with him. 

Feeling like he’d been struck, he’d run inside and slammed the door. And no one followed him. After what felt like forever, he’d heard his dad’s truck start up and go down their gravel driveway. He knew it was done. It was over, and if Robert didn’t stain the barn, he’d be punished in the worst possible way — but he couldn’t do it. The thought made him sick. So he was losing her again because the library would be ripped away from him. 

He was alone… 

Except for Mark, though, he was still more outside the house than in it when he spoke again. “Your Dad took the kids to the Bartons…” 

It wasn’t surprising information.

“He said he won’t be back till after sunset…”

Wasn’t it after sunset? He felt like he’d been sitting in the kitchen alone forever. He looked at the clock and saw there were hours yet and felt confused. 

“He said if you don’t help me with the barn, he’ll know…”

“Fuck him,” Robert snapped.

“Rob…” Mark sounded wary. 

“What? WHAT? I’m not doing it, I can’t…”

“But the library?”

Robert felt his chin wobble, and his eyes started to sting. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t, so he slammed his fists on the table and wished he’d never told Mark about the library. He’d only done it because he’d wanted to see him one Sunday, wondering why Robert wouldn’t get the bus to his house. Why had he told him? It wasn’t like they were Andy and Katie? They weren’t dating or anything. It was fun, and it felt good, but it wasn’t real. It was never going to be real. He shouldn’t have told Mark about the library or his mum. He never should have told anyone. 

He heard the sound of chair scraping against the wood and saw Mark sitting as close to him as he could get. “Fine, we won’t do it,” Mark said with a dimpled grin. 

Why was he still here? He felt his anger softening, felt himself become unwilling to take this out on Mark. Not him. He was trying to be there for him, and who did that? Maybe he was being pushy about seeing him off the farm and talking about seeing each other after the summer. Robert knew none of those things could happen, but it was nice to be wanted. To have someone look at him like he mattered. 

“You have too, he’ll fire you.”

“I don’t care…”

“But, you want that computer.”

“I’ve almost saved enough, I’ll ask my grandma for the rest.”

Robert snorted, his grandmother would never help him out. She’d tell him to earn it, tell him to work for it — why was it no one ever gave him anything? 

“And I’ve told you, there are plenty of places in Hotten we can meet up? Some are near the library…”

“I can’t go near that barn…” Robert wiped at his nose.

“Not asking you to, sorry…” Mark sighed. “If you don’t, I don’t… And…”

“And?”

“I can think of things we could do instead of staining a barn.” Mark gave him a soft smile but raised his eyebrows.   
  
Robert laughed, it barked out of him from nowhere. It felt good. It felt nice, and that was what he liked about Mark. That was what was making the summer bearable without his mum. It was how he was surviving his father never seeing the good in him. He and Mark, it felt good, and if he didn’t go stain that barn — they were over after tonight. 

So, yeah, he was up for one last chance to waste away some hours kissing the fit boy, who was sitting in his kitchen trying to cheer him up. He nodded, got up and started to head for the outside door, except Mark grabbed his hand and stopped him short. 

“What?”

“Let’s go to your room,” he said. 

“My room?” Robert’s heart started to pound.

Mark nodded, and Robert felt his cheeks heat, and he nodded. Mark smiled and pulled toward the stairs like he knew exactly where he was going, and Robert couldn’t help but admire the confidence. That was the thing with Mark, he always seemed so sure. Robert never did, but he wished he could. He tried to fake it, and sometimes he thought he fooled people, but it was never enough to fool himself. 

He tugged Mark to the left when they reached the top and pulled him into his bedroom, not worrying about the door. They were alone, and no one was due back for hours. 

It might be nice to kiss not pressed up to a bumpy tree trunk, or hidden a barn stall. He moved toward his bed, intent on pulling Mark down onto it with him, but Mark stopped him and grabbed at Robert’s shirt. Robert nodded and lifted his arms, they'd done this before. It was summer, and they were working in the heat, but it felt more daring up here in his bedroom. 

He felt goosebumps and hoped they weren’t obvious, hoped it didn’t reveal to Mark he was nervous. He watched Mark take off his shirt, he licked his lips and yanked him into him. They fell onto his bed, laughing into the kiss and felt good. It felt so good. It was different up here, and he’d ended up over Mark, and his hands were slipping lower and lower until they grabbed Robert’s arse. He blushed red because he’d moaned at the touch. Then he moaned again when he realized they could feel each other through their shorts… it made his hips jerk and felt Mark do the same… he got lost in all of it, the new sensations, Mark’s hands, his mouth, and his voice. He kept mumbling into Robert’s ear that he was great… 

Then his bedroom door slammed shut. 

Mark scrambled off the bed and looked around madly for his shirt, but Robert only saw his Dad. Jack Sugden was standing just inside his room, with his mouth a grim line and his fists clenched. Robert was paralyzed with fear. He just lay where he was half on and half on the bed it. He was trapped there, trapped staring at his father and he knew, he knew whatever followed was going to be worse than no library…

Worse than no mother. 

Jack moved then, whip-fast, and he had Mark by the neck and was opening Robert’s bedroom door. “Get out, get out of my house, and don’t you dare ever come back, you here me… I ever see your face around here again you’ll it regret boy.”

He wanted to defend Mark, he wanted to run after them and get his father’s hands off of him. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to take all the blame. It was all his fault. He went along with it. He knew it was wrong. But he’d wanted to feel something. He wanted to feel good. But he couldn’t move the slam of the door downstairs made him flinch. 

That was it, Mark was gone.

And his father was coming. 

He tried to move, the idle thought he should try to run. But it was his fault. Whatever was coming. Whatever punishment he was going to get. It was on him. He’d known. He’d just wanted something for himself, something that made him feel something other than pain. 

Was it worth it?

He heard boots on the stairs, hard leather soles, stomping against the wood. A spike of fear that jolted him, and he really tried to move, but his limbs felt like cement, and he only managed to get up on his elbows. His dad stepped into his room and shut his door with a bang. Jack cleared his throat, his eyes are hard stare, and Robert heard an odd thwack. His eyes fell down to his dad’s hands. And he saw his father’s leather belt in his right hand, folded up and swinging.

“Dad…” his voice cracked. 

“No son of mine…”

~~~

“Why are you letting him mope around up there… so his mate, quit, who cares?” Andy wasn’t shouting, but his voice carried up the stairwell. “He never stained the barn. He never finished mending the east fence… we’re falling behind, Dad…”

“I’ll deal with it,” Jack said. 

Robert laughed bitterly into his pillow because he hadn’t seen Jack since he’d been leathered, and his bedroom door had slammed shut one final time. Not once had he’d come up to check on him, or to try to look apologetic. It’d been days, and he’d just been left to rot. It just drove it all home — his so-called-Dad hated him. It’d always been true, but Robert finally made the man stop pretending… 

He’d always seen it, Jack's exasperation with him. Jack muttering how he didn’t understand him. Jack shouting and lecturing him at any small excuse. When Mum was alive, she’d get on him, tell him to try harder. Tell him Robert just wanted different things from his life than Andy. She’d guilt him into being a father to his son — Robert had always known. He’d nearly stopped trying after the fire, and now Jack had the perfect excuse to stop altogether. 

Because his son was sick and twisted. 

Jack’s words, as the belt fell. 

Robert wiped his nose on his pillow and refused to cry. He was done with crying. He’d done enough of it during the beating and in the last few days. He was done with it. He was done with all of it. The minute he was old enough, the first moment he could, he was getting out of Emmerdale. And he wasn’t ever coming back. He’d make a plan, and he’d run away. He’d leave for good. They wouldn't’ stop him. Not one of them would care.

No one was left to care. 

There was a sharp knock on his door, and he hated how he jolted. But it’d be Victoria, and guilt seeped into his thoughts. She’d been bringing him food, balancing it all precariously on some tray she’d found. Burnt toast and cookies. He wondered if his dad or Andy were making her tea and making sure she took a bath, and he hated himself more for not taking care of her.

Only when the door opened, it was his dad — no, Jack. He froze, paralyzed again, terror making his blood rush, and he found himself looking for the belt. But Jack stood just inside the doorway, and he was looking anywhere but at Robert. It almost made Robert laugh. It was too late for guilt, and it probably wasn’t real anyway. But somehow it calmed him, and he managed to sit up, and it made his back sting and his eyes water. 

“Are you all right?” Jack spoke, but he still wouldn’t meet his eyes. 

“I’m peachy,” Robert snapped and immediately regretted it because fear swirled up in his stomach. 

“Robert…” Jack sounded tired. 

“What? Want to make sure I’ll be quiet?”

Jack looked at him then, but he looked surprised. And Robert realized the thought hadn’t even occurred to him. He wasn’t frightened of Robert telling anyone. And why should he? Who would believe Jack Sugden’s black sheep anyway? 

“That’s not it, Robert… I want to…” Jack shook his head. “I’m sorry…but…”

“But…” Robert echoed and wished it didn’t hurt. 

“That boy led you astray, I should’ve seen it sooner…. But I was happy you were smiling again.” Jack shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left him alone with you, and you got your head turned.”

“I didn’t…” Robert shook his head because it wasn’t Mark’s fault — it was him. He’d known it was wrong but… 

“You did, boy,” Jack snapped. “I was too hard on you, I know. But you gotta see that… that’s no way to be, son.”

“Like you care about me.”

“Of coure I care about you, I don’t understand you…but you’re my son…”

“Andy’s your son,” Robert snapped. “Who cares about me, the actual firstborn.”

“That’s not fair, Robert?”

Robert laughed. “Not fair! He killed MUM, and you’ve never…” he couldn’t say it. 

“I’m tired, Robert…” Jack sighed. “And I haven’t slept.”

“Me either.”

Jack looked away at that. “I was wrong…but…. You know what you did was wrong, son.” 

Robert felt sick. 

“You will never do it again, you hear me?”

Robert nodded and hated himself for it. 

“And no more skiving…” Jack added as if that mattered. He stood up and walked to the door. “And no more hiding in this room, people are talking…”

“Fine, _Jack_.”

Jack froze midstep and turned back to him. This time their eyes locked and Robert refused to show any of his pain, he refused to show any of his sadness. He let himself just feel the anger, and for the first time he admitted to himself it felt like fire. It felt like the fire that ripped his mother from him. It burned under his skin, it scorched his bones, and it wasn’t ever leaving him. It could never leave. He stared right back at Jack but was surprised at the shame he saw etched in his expression and the pain his eyes. 

Jack nodded his head. “Maybe I deserve it boy…” he muttered, but then his fist curled. “But you bury it, Robert… or I will throw you out… Be up at dawn like you’re meant to be, tomorrow. Understood.”

Robert felt himself nod again, and when the door closed he lost all the anger that held upright. He still felt the inner fire, but the anger was gone. The hatred he felt for Jack hurt… it hurt him. It hurt to hate him. It hurt to be alone. He collapsed down under the weight of it all. His eyes stung, and chin wobbled, and he was going to cry again, but this time for his father, not his mum. 

He had no parents. 

Jack Sugden was never gonna love him, not like he loved Andy. Not like he loved Victoria. He’d lost his dad the night his mum died. He lost them both. He’d lost the man who used to try to understand him. Who used to laugh and offer to listen to the plot of his favorite show or the book his reading. It felt like a lifetime since he’d seen that father. 

Jack leathered him, and Robert hated himself for it. He wanted his father. He’d just wanted his father to see him and like him. He wanted his father to like being around him. Like he did with Andy. Want him to care about him. He wanted him to want good things for him. He wanted his father to protect him. Like he always did for Andy. 

That hope was dead. That wish would never come true. He’d let Jack down one time too many. He’d allowed a boy to kiss him. He’d allowed himself to want a boy — he knew it was wrong, but it hadn’t felt wrong. It felt good, and he’d like Mark. He made him laugh. Sometimes he made him forget his mum was gone and never coming back. 

Robert cried. 

He was an orphan.

And tomorrow he would start pretending everything was fine.

~~~

It wasn’t easy pretending. 

But Jack made it look easy. He just barked the same orders at him, kept him busy working on the farm, and told him he was grounded for skiving too much. The only sign it had happened was that he never looked directly at Robert. Their eyes never met, and Robert knew that would never change. But no one would know, it wasn’t noticeable on the surface, and since no one cared about Robert — no one would look deep enough to see it.   
  
He felt numb most of the time. Going through the motions of the day. Living the hell of farm work that Robert had hated since he was ten years old. Getting called lazy and spoiled by Andy. The hard graft wasn’t the problem, but that wasn’t ever going to be understood. He wanted to punch Andy, he wanted to hurt Andy, he couldn’t look at Andy. 

But Jack could, and Andy and Jack would laugh and joke around all day, as they worked. They talked easy and free, and Robert could see the pride in Jack’s eyes whenever he looked at his real son — the one he chose above Robert. He also kept giving Andy more and more time off to spend with Katie. Complete with comments about how great young love was, pointed and loudly whenever Robert was in the room — all the while avoiding looking at him directly 

It stung, not that he thought he loved Mark. He’d liked him. He’d wanted him. Enough to ignore it was wrong. Because it felt good. He knew a piece of him would never regret it, but he was trying anyway. He wanted to regret it, and that was an uncomfortable pit in his stomach that got heavier and heavier. The more his father ignored him, the more his father kept getting on his back over nothing. The more Jack was nice to Andy… 

He wanted his dad to be nice to him. And it was twisting things up inside of him. Everything Jack said and did was making him resent Andy more and more … it wasn’t just the favoring, it was the comparing. Jack was clear, he was comparing his sons and one was lacking. He would never measure up to perfect Golden Andy, and it made him feel more and more alone. 

It made him miss Mark, then he’d berate himself for it. He'd tell himself over and over that it was a mistake. It was a mistake. Mark was a mistake. He wasn’t really like that…and he wasn’t — he liked girls. He did, and that meant he’d let himself do something wrong. Just to feel, he kept shutting up the voice that told him that it hadn’t felt wrong. Because it was and he’d known. He was only doing it for the summer — Jack wasn’t meant to ever find out. 

He’d done it to feel less alone. He’d done it because Mark liked him for he was and didn’t try to turn into someone he wasn’t. But every time he moved, his back hurt. Doing the farm work hurt. His back was healing, but it was slow, and it stung and itched. He kept trying to look at it in the mirror, willing the crisscrossed wounds not to scar. He didn’t think they would, they seemed shallow, and they hadn’t festered. 

But Robert kept waking up at night, terrified after having dreams he shouldn’t about Mark. He wanted to stop missing him, so the dreams would stop. He woke up sweating and afraid, the thwack of a belt in his ears. He told himself it would stop. Mark’s memory would fade along with the bruises.

“Aren’t you hot?”

Robert jolted and nearly fell off the fence he was sitting on. Everyone else was on break. The day was unusually hot to the point it had even gotten to Jack. He’d dragged them out to the pond on the edge of the land and told everyone to have at it and have a swim. Robert wondered if Jack even remembered that he couldn’t take his shirt off… he was burning up from the sun and not from Aaron Dingle’s stare. 

“No,” he lied.

“What happened to Mark?” 

“You know,” Robert muttered. 

“He didn’t skive — much… less than Andy does.” 

He snorted at that because Andy didn’t skive, he was just allowed to be a sixteen-year-old kid with a girlfriend. Robert half wondered if he found a girl to date if Jack would look at him again. 

Aaron climbed up onto the fence next to him. Robert glanced at him. “Why aren’t you swimming with Vic and Adam?”

Aaron shrugged. “Katie’s noisy.” 

Robert laughed because, as Aaron spoke, Katie let out a squeal and shouted Andy’s name in mock and highly annoying anger. “Yeah…” 

“Do you miss him?”

“No,” he lied.

“But you and he…weren’t you like Andy and Katie?”

“What? No,” Robert shook his head. “Forget what you saw alright, it was nothing but a mistake.”

Aaron frowned. 

“AARON,” Adam yelled from the edge of the pond. “We found frogs!” 

“Sorry, Mark’s gone,” Aaron said before he hopped off the fence. 

“Whatever…” Robert scoffed, but his eyes started to hurt, and he felt his chin wobble. _He was a mistake. A mistake._

~~~

Robert yawned as he walked down the hall and poked his head into Victoria’s room. The boys were on her floor, and all three were out cold, Robert wasn’t surprised given all the running and swimming they’d done all day. While he worked under a burning sun with a shirt stuck to his healing back. He stretched a bit and winced as he felt skin pulling. He hadn’t even changed, having gone right from chores to having to entertain and watch the kids. Other kids his age were probably the ones on sleepovers, or out with girls — like Andy. But he was stuck on this farm. His own living hell. He felt another pang in his chest and refused to think about Mark. 

Instead, he walked toward his bedroom and started to peel off his shirt. The fabric sticking to his wounds. He winced at the sting, but the air felt a bit nice on it, it was cooler out now, and a gentle breeze was floating in his window. He stood in front of his bureau and tried to look at his back in the mirror on the wall behind it. The bruising was finally starting to look better rather than worse, but everything else was the same as the night before. He needed them to fade away because he could pretend everything was fine better if there was no more reminder. 

Sighing, he rummaged in his draws for something to wear to bed. He found an old ratty t-shirt that was softer than most and a pair of blue boxers. He stepped out of his room and turned toward the bathroom but stopped still when he heard a familiar voice gasp out his name.

“Robert,” Aaron repeated, and he heard footsteps, and then he was looking at wide and afraid blue eyes that were filling with tears. “Did…did…”

“No,” he hissed. “No.”

“He did…” Aaron ignored him.

“No,” Robert repeated, but he was back there… He was being hit again, and the world seemed black and fuzzy. He winced as the memory of the belt hit him, and his face felt weird and wet. 

“Robert?” there was a small voice, and he felt something touch his hand, and he flinched, and the world spun back into focus. Aaron was looking up at him, chewing his lower lip and his hand touching Robert’s. 

“Aaron…” he felt familiar words on his tongue. “You can’t tell.”

But this time, Aaron shook his head. 

He grabbed Aaron’s hand and yanked him into his bedroom and shut the door. He leaned against it and tried to catch his breath and stared at Aaron, his mind scrambling on how to stop him from telling. It would make things worse, he was sure it would make things worse. No one could know it happened, no one could ever know any of it happened. 

“He found out, didn’t he,” Aaron said. “That’s really why Mark’s gone.”

Robert shut his eyes. 

“He hit ya...” Aaron’s voice broke. 

“Aaron, shut up,” Robert snapped. 

“He hit ya,” Aaron repeated. 

Robert’s eyes flew open to Aaron wiping his eyes. “You can’t tell,” he said again. 

“But…”

“I know he hit me,” he blurted, and it made him feel cold. “Alright, but…but I was wrong.” 

Aaron shook his head. 

“I was wrong.”

“No,” Aaron said.

“Aaron, you don’t understand, you can’t understand any of this…”

“Yes, I do, and it was wrong when…when…my dad…”

Robert’s heart sank, and he shook his head. He couldn’t stop shaking his head. “No, no, my dad, my dad is _nothing_ like yours, that didn’t happen…. It’s nothing like that.”

“He told me I was bad too…”

“But I was, Aaron, I was…”

“No…”

“Yes….” Robert sank down to the floor. “I was wrong, Mark was a mistake, it was all wrong,” his face screwed up against his will, and tears started to fall. 

“He hit ya…”

“Stop saying it,” Robert sobbed. “Aaron, Aaron, please, please… it won’t help me, it’ll just make it worse if you say anything… I just, I got bury it, and we’ll just go on. You can’t tell, please, please…” 

Aaron chewed on his lip. 

“Promise, please, Aaron…”

“It’s not your fault…that’s what I've been learning, that it wasn’t my fault.”

“I told ya, that’s different.”

Aaron frowned. 

“Please, Aaron… he’s not a monster.”

“He’s mean... To ya anyway.”

Robert laughed at the bitter truth of that. “But he’s not. I just need to bury it, but you can't tell, you can’t… it’ll hurt Vic, Aaron. It won’t help, I just want to bury it… I’m not gonna make the same mistake.”

Aaron moved to sit next to him, Robert felt the slight weight of him against his arm and leaned his head back against the door and tried to catch his breath, tried to stop crying. But he couldn’t, and he felt vulnerable and embarrassed and afraid. 

“Okay,” Aaron said, his voice small. 

“Yeah…” Robert breathed out in relief.

“Only if he never hits ya again.”

“He won’t… gonna bury it, it won’t….” Robert nodded and willed himself to stop shaking. But it took a while, a long while, and Aaron just sat next to him the entire time. They didn’t speak. Everything important had already been said. An hour, or more later, Robert stood up on shaky feet and mumbled at Aaron to go to bed. Then he crawled into his own, but he didn't sleep…

Instead he chanted _bury it_ like a prayer until the sun rose. 

**

**

Robert Nineteen, Aaron Fifteen

Aaron

Aaron was late getting to the farm. The truth was he'd dawdled back home, after dropping off the school stuff he didn't need to bring with him. Though the backpack on his shoulder was still laden down with books. He was hoping Robert would help him with his maths again, seemed the only way he could halfway understand it. And maybe it was the only reason he was showing up at all because it just wasn't fun anymore -- it wasn't even summer, yet and he was already hating it. The paycheck was a perk, but it wasn't much, and it would probably take to the end of summer to get all the CDs he wanted. But this was the only job offer out there for him. He was jealous of Adam. He was working both his parent's farm and the Sugden's and rubbing his nose in about his extra money. Adam only talked his parents into it, so he could spend more time with Victoria. 

Which was part of the problem, Victoria and Adam were joined at the hip lately, making weird faces at each other and sneaking off to kiss whenever her dad and brothers weren't looking. Leaving Aaron to play lookout, at least that was when they remembered he was even there. It wasn't that he dreaded it. It just made him feel -- left out. He felt like he was missing something they had, and there were tons of confused thoughts in his head about it. 

As he walked closer, he caught sight of them on the porch, sitting on the swinging bench that'd been set up by Katie and Andy when they got married. The two sitting close and chattering. They were probably talking about nothing, that's all they seemed to do lately. Aaron wondered what was so great about nothing? He started up the porch steps and wondered when they'd notice him. How long would it take if he just stood there and waited for them to catch on? 

"Dingle,' Jack Sugden's voice boomed behind him. 

Adam yelped a bit despite it not being him Mr. Sugden was shouting at, and Victoria laughed. Aaron rolled his eyes and turned around. 

"Where's Robert?"

Aaron fought against the urge to roll his eyes, not wanting a lecture on it from Mr. Sugden. He'd just gotten here, how was he supposed to know where Robert was? He shook his head. "I just got here."

"Find him... He left the barn a mess, tell him to sort it, or he's working dawn to dusk tomorrow, no college." 

Robert was the only bloke he knew where taking away school was a punishment. He was super smart, smarter than everyone else on the farm. Aaron thought it was dead unfair, Mr. Sugden kept acting like Robert wanting to go university was some sort of betrayal. He dropped his books and walked down the porch steps. Laughing a bit as he heard Mr. Sugden order Adam to go work on the fences in the west field and for Victoria to do her homework. 

The thing was, he was the person to ask to find Robert. He knew all his hiding spots. It came from years of being the messenger, always being sent to find him because his dad or Andy couldn't be bothered to look for themselves. Aaron had never minded. He liked Robert. He still did, though sometimes he wondered why... He could be a real jerk, especially if his dad was being too hard on him. Maybe that was why? Aaron couldn't help feeling for him -- he knew what it was like to have a horrible father. At least the world agreed about his... Robert was always getting shit on for making the great Jack Sugden's life hard. 

He decided to check the far barn first, the one that was falling to pieces, and they never used anymore. Mr. Sugden kept making noise about tearing it down and rebuilding. But it never happened. Aaron pushed the rickety door open, the scent of dirt and damp filling his nose. He thought he heard a noise, so he walked toward it and stopped short at the sight of long blonde hair. He'd found Robert, and he was snogging Katie Sugden -- his brother's wife. It didn't surprise Aaron, but he felt a rush of disappointment. But he watched them, he watched them kissing and how Robert had his hands on her face. It made his face heat up, and he wanted the ground to swallow him. But he couldn't tear himself away from the sight. He told himself to turn around, so he could walk back in, making more noise when Robert's eyes opened. And he was looking right at Aaron -- like he'd known he was there. 

Aaron shrugged and prayed Robert was far enough away not to see him blushing. Robert raised an eyebrow, and Aaron shrugged again and kind of pointed his shoulder toward the main part of the farm. Robert rolled his eyes before closing them and giving his full attention back to Katie. Aaron couldn't help but watch how his palms obscured her completely from Aaron's sight. He felt too hot, and that helped him force himself to head back. He'd delivered the message, Robert knew his dad wanted him -- probably even knew why too. Katie must be why he hadn't sorted things up, he usually never left things messy. Aaron hoped he knew what he was doing with Katie. She was married to his brother -- which explained everything. Aaron rolled his eyes and felt a wave of disappointment. He knew Robert was better, but Robert didn't... Aaron frowned at the thought, and decided to push it away and go ask Mr. Sugden what he wanted him to do for the day. 

~~~

Two hours later, Aaron sat on the porch railing and watched Victoria and Adam talk about nothing. He sighed, realizing they'd forgotten he existed again, and it was boring. It was boring to watch his friends be all into each other -- and it made him uncomfortable. Because he kept getting asked if he liked anyone, his mum kept asking if he'd met any cute girls. Even wondered if he maybe liked Victoria.... Which, no, she was like a sister? Or at least he thought it was that? He looked toward the stairs just as Robert seemed to appear out of nowhere. He was scowling, and Aaron spotted Jack and Andy just over his shoulder as he made it up the porch. 

Robert glanced at him, and then his eyes fell on Adam and Vic. He clenched his jaw at it but turned and just walked into the kitchen. Aaron hoped he wouldn't give Adam a hard time for liking his sister. Aaron glanced at them and realized they hadn't noticed Robert at all. At least it wasn't only him they were ignoring. He hopped off the railing and walked into the kitchen and saw Robert was at the counter, starting to make supper. 

"Are you staying?"

"Yeah," he said and went over to his books. He thought Mr. Sugden was done with him for the day, and his friends were useless. "Can I do homework in here?"

"Go ahead..." Robert shrugged. 

"So...Katie..." Aaron asked after a beat, unable to stop himself. 

"Yeah..." Robert turned and looked at him. "We're good, right?"

Aaron shrugged. "None of my business."

Robert nodded. 

Aaron knew a few of Robert's secrets, really what was one more. This one felt...different than others. Less volatile...which was saying something given Katie was Andy's wife. But she was a girl, and that wasn't unexpected, or strange, or different. 

"Do you like her?"

"Not really."

Aaron felt confused. "But you were..."

"She's pretty, she was there... She's Andy's..." Robert checked the pot of water boiling on the stove. 

"So, it's because of that... Not because you like her?"

"Well, I do _like her_ ," Robert answered with a suggestive lilt. 

"But..." It left Aaron's mouth without him meaning to, and he wished he could take it back. Robert was giving a weird look now, and he felt his cheeks heat, and he hurriedly opened his maths book. 

"But what?"

"Nothing..." Aaron muttered, and he started to read the word problem that was under his nose. He wasn't even sure if it was assigned, but he couldn't look at Robert right now. Catching him with Katie, just reminded him of the first time he'd found Robert snogging someone. Only the first time it'd been that boy, the farmhand that everyone thought got fired for skiving -- only that was the lie Jack Sugden told to protect himself. It was the lie Robert went along with to protect himself. And the lesson was you don't kiss boys -- and that made Aaron's heart sink and his mind reel. Because was that true? If it was... He felt confused and glanced up and realized Robert was looking right at him. 

"Tell me."

Aaron shrugged and hoped Robert would leave it that. 

"Come on, don't do that..." Robert was suddenly sitting down. 

"You really like her?"

"A bit... Andy pissed me off today and..."

"And?"

"Caught her looking at me... You know? And thought I'd see what happened."

"But she's married?"

"Doesn't stop a person, not really..." Robert snorted. 

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"We're good?" Robert asked again.

"Aren't we always?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah..." He started to stand up. "Aaron?"

"Yeah."

"Maths book is upside down," he said lightly. 

Aaron turned red and quickly flipped right side up and wished he could fall into a hole. 

"Need help?"

"You're cooking."

"I can multi-task... Go on, read them out loud."

"Yeah...alright...nothing better to do...." 

~~~

Aaron was tired from not sleeping. He kept staring up at his ceiling, afraid to fall asleep because he kept dreaming about boys -- nameless, formless boys that were looking at him like Adam looked at Victoria. But they also kissed him, like Robert kissed Katie. It made him sticky, and his heart beat too fast, and it was making him afraid to sleep. But the problem was it was in his head even when he was awake. 

Catching Robert again just reminded him of the first time... That farmhand and him, out by the tree. They were always out by the tree, pressed behind it out of sight, and snogging every time they took a break. Maybe Aaron caught them more than once, but he hadn't let on, and after a while, he'd managed to shut down his curiosity about it. But it was back now, and he couldn't push it away. Because things were crashing down all around him. 

Every mate he had was on and on about a girl. And he was running out of answers for when they asked him. He wished he could say he liked Victoria, but Adam and her were snogging and holding hands. And he couldn't use her as a cover. People were going to figure it out, they were going to find out he was strange and different and wrong. He needed to figure this out, he needed to change it. He needed to like girls...

Robert did it, didn't that mean he could? 

~~~

School was becoming unbearable. He was more and more afraid his friends would realize he wasn't like them. That there was a reason, he wasn't crowing about how many girls he snogged, or why he didn't find Lucy pretty but sometimes caught himself staring at her brother Chris. He always realized he was doing it too late, looking at boy and would have to glance away quickly, terrified someone may have seen. Then there was Ross Barton -- who hated him and Aaron didn't understand why. He kept shoving him and picking fights with him -- and he promised his mum he wouldn't start any fights like he used too when he was a kid, and his dad was still in his head. Ross was why he'd missed the bus, he'd seen him sneering through the windows and just frozen. And before he knew it, the bus was gone and he was stuck walking home. 

His feet hurt, he was tired -- cause he wasn't sleeping -- and he was thirsty. His books felt like bricks, and it was getting later and later. His mum was probably worried, and he realized too late, he should have called her to pick him up. But he hadn't wanted to explain why she'd want to get involved and call the school or Ross' parents -- things guaranteed to just make it worse. 

His mum wouldn't be the only one mad at him, Mr. Sugden would be too... He kept lecturing him and Adam how they were working for him now, not just playing about on the farm. He'd docked Adam's pay more than once -- not that it hurt Adam, he had his parents allowances too. But Aaron didn't, and he really wanted those CDs, and he wanted to save some money. He wasn't sure why, it just felt like a thing to do, to take care of himself. He knew Robert did it -- and he didn't like to think about why Robert did it.

Almost like he conjured him, Aaron suddenly heard a familiar beep and turned around to see Robert's car coming toward him fast. He passed him but pulled to the side of the road into a layby. Aaron felt his feet move quicker, the prospect of sitting down felt amazing, only when he got to the passenger side door, he realized someone was already sitting there. 

"Get in the back," Robert said.

Aaron climbed in and tried not to be disappointed, mostly because he wasn't really sure why he was disappointed. He shrugged at Robert and knew he'd understand it was a thank you. 

"We don't have time for this," the guy in the passenger seat said. 

"Will, I can't let him walk all the way to my farm," Robert said, as he pulled out of the road. 

"Rob, you promised we'd..." The guy trailed off. 

"We will, okay..."

"Better..." Will grumbled.

"Have I ever let you down..." Robert's voice sounded weird to Aaron, it almost sounded sincere, but it just wasn't quite there. His eyes went to the bloke -- Will -- and widened when he saw the guy fall for it. 

"Not yet... Don’t start..."

"You can trust me," Robert laughed, his voice still all wrong. 

Aaron slouched down in his seat and looked up at the ceiling. He wondered if maybe he wasn't better off walking. He'd seen this Robert before, this was the Robert who was sneaking around with Katie at the farm for the past month. He would sent her sweet smiles and be sickly nice to her right in front of Andy. Who remained oblivious, and Katie seemed to eat it up. And it was all lies. Aaron didn't understand it, and it made him uncomfortable. Because he knew Robert, the real Robert underneath all the anger. He didn't like the charmer he pretended to be, and it worried him he was doing it now with a bloke. It made his stomach churn. Maybe he would've been better off on the bus with Ross.

~~~

Ross Barton found out about his father. 

Aaron tried to keep his head down and ignore it. Ignore Ross' taunts and his shoves. He wouldn't give in, and he wouldn't let his father back into his head. Or he tried not to, but he got in there, where he lived, where he stayed -- it was never completely gone. And made his uncomfortable dreams about boys and snogging and touching darker and meaner. He would wake up crying and feeling broken. 

~~~

The farm was doing him in, he couldn't stop yawning, and Mr. Sugden kept yelling at him for slacking off and accusing him of being lazy. Andy would tell him to lay off, but he'd call him a kid. He wasn't a kid, though, he really wasn't, and he was fifteen, and he hurt inside. He needed a break, he couldn't see straight, and he just ran off toward the house. He needed food or something to drink, maybe that would make everything less hazy. Maybe that would help push all the thoughts in his head escape out of his brain. 

He pushed open the doors to the kitchen just in time to see Katie slapping Robert. He winced as he watched a bright red spot form on Robert's cheek. They both jumped when they saw him, and Katie shouted something, Aaron didn't even hear it, but he knew it was a lie. Katie hadn't slapped Robert over something mundane. It was about the affair they'd been having under everyone noses... 

It'd been weeks now, Aaron was somewhat surprised Robert hadn't revealed it all to Andy in a smug flourish -- he was fairly sure Robert wanted them to be caught -- he wasn't' hiding their snogging half as well as he should be -- Aaron wasn't stupid. He’d caught them too many times, and it was starting to feel like a curse. Last time he'd been sent to find Robert, he'd almost sent Adam. He didn't want more evidence of what Robert looked like when he kissed. 

"You better not be here, when I get back," Katie shouted and stormed out. 

"It's MY HOUSE KATIE..." Robert shouted. "More than it'll ever be yours...mine," Robert shouted after her, then he glanced at Aaron and sighed. 

"Need ice?" 

"No, it just stings a bit, had worse..." Robert muttered. "What you doing in here?"

"I need a drink," he muttered.

Robert was staring at him, weirdly. "You okay," he asked, and his hand landed on Aaron's face. Aaron stiffened, his mind flying to how Robert held Katie's face when he kissed her, and he felt his cheeks heat. Robert's hand moved to his forehead, and he shook his head. "Guess you feel normal... You look awful, though." 

"Just tired..." He muttered. "What was the lover's quarrel about?"

"You've got a mouth," Robert laughed. "She's developing a conscience and seems to think all this is just me... I pointed out she's the one who dropped her panties."

Aaron blushed at the crudity. 

"Yeah, it didn't go well... It’s nothing, she'll get over it and come back. Always does." Robert walked over to the kitchen table and opened his bag, which was sitting on it. "I need to study anyway, Will's coming over, and we're going over these history practice tests. Dad went off again about how he's not going to pay for university, but I'm not giving up." 

Aaron nodded. He'd heard one or two fights about it. "But how?"

"I'll figure it out. There are scholarships and stuff, if I have to forge his name on something, I will."

"Robert, he'll get mad," Aaron's voice went too high, but fear was flooding him.... It didn't happen often, but sometimes when he saw Mr. Sugden and Robert fight, his mind would flash to the lashes he'd seen on Robert's back. The bruises Robert swore him to keep quiet about it, crying and looking so small as he sat on the floor of his room. He had never seen Robert so small and lost and sad. He never wanted to see it again. 

"Aaron?" Robert's voice was loud. "Aaron..." His hand was on his shoulder. 

Aaron flinched. 

"Where did you go?" Robert asked. 

"Nowhere," Aaron lied. 

Robert's eyes studied him, Aaron felt squirmy under it, and he didn't like the concern at all. But then Robert's gaze shifted closer to normal, and he nodded. "Okay, I'm feeding ya..."

"What?"

"Sit..." He pushed Aaron to a chair. "I have some time before Will get's here and you looked dead on your feet. Gonna cook you some tea, then we're gonna call Chas to pick you up after you eat it okay?"

"But the farm, your dad..."

Robert shrugged. "I'll tell him you're sick."

Aaron swallowed. 

Robert gave him a weird look but turned away and turned on the stove. 

~~~

Two days later, it was Mr. Sugden who sent him into the house after he dazed out in the middle of mucking out a stall. He told Aaron he looked peaky and to go inside and have a lie down. Aaron wanted to argue, but his head felt swimmy. He'd gotten no sleep, and Ross Barton been in his face all day and saying horrible things he couldn't bear to think. He felt heavy on his feet and thought maybe if he could fall asleep, he might not dream at all. 

When he opened the kitchen door, Robert and that bloke Will turned and looked at him. Their eyes widened at the sight of him, and Aaron realized he must look awful. Robert was touching his face again, and Aaron was so tired he just leaned into it for a second until he realized what he was doing. It jolted him awake enough to speak. "Your dad told me to lie down."

"Dad? My dad?" Robert asked. 

"Yeah."

"Ok... Let’s do what he said, then." Robert's hands were heavy and strong on his shoulders and guided him into the living and helped him settle onto the couch. Complete with pulling a blanket over him. "Want something to drink?"

Aaron shrugged. 

"I'll get you a lemonade," he muttered and took a pillow of the nearby rocking chair. "Use this, alright."

Aaron nodded and buried his face into it. It felt cool on his skin, and the world seemed less tilted. 

"What's he doing here?" he heard Will snap from the kitchen, and his voice felt like it went right through his head. Aaron grabbed the crocheted blanket Robert given him and pulled it over his head. 

"He's sick," Robert said, and Aaron heard him turn on the faucet, which meant Robert was making the lemonade for him, and he pressed his hot cheek to the pillow again. 

"You said that last time, he's always fucking around, Rob..." 

"Did ya see him, Jack sent him inside... He’s sick, so shut it."

"Just tired of your little shadow..."

"He's not a shadow," Robert huffed, and Aaron nodded into the pillow. He wasn't at all. That couldn't be true, could it, and Aaron suddenly felt restless and heavy at the same time. He tried to sit up, but his head spun around and felt like he might get sick. So he turned to his side, hoped for the best, and kept his eyes open afraid closing them would make everything spin. 

"He's been here exactly once while you were..."

"No, he's always hovering about, whenever I'm over here, and the car ride."

"Why are you being a drama queen..." Robert snapped, and Aaron could see him by the sink, lemons, and the pitcher behind him. He had a knife his hand as he threw his hands up in annoyance at Will. 

"Because I wanna be alone with you," Will hissed. 

Aaron felt his stomach drop. No? No? 

"Not here, not here..." Robert turned toward the kitchen door. "I've told ya, don’t do this now..." 

"When, Rob, it's been a week..." 

"Shh...Aaron...." Robert looked panicked. 

"Exactly, my point... Built-in fucking chaperone, hiding us here where you won't even look at me, Rob... I wanna be with my boyfriend."

 _Boyfriend?_ Something spiked in Aaron's blood, and suddenly he felt wide awake. Robert still liked boys? He hadn't stopped? He was with Will? While he snuck around with Katie? Aaron didn't know what do with his, his heart was hammering and he couldn't stop staring at Robert. He looked pale, and his eyes were wide and kept glancing in the direction Mr. Sugden was in. 

"Don't..." Robert warned and Aaron started to get up, he felt a need to go to Robert, to stop something, not that he understood what, but then Will was blocking Robert from his sight. He'd yanked Robert into him and kissed him hard on the mouth. Aaron froze and expected Robert to shove him away, he had to shove him away. But Robert kissed him back, and his hands went under Will's shirt, and Aaron's eyes widened as he saw Will's hand go for Robert's waistline. 

Aaron tried to open his mouth, but he couldn't do it, and he couldn't stop watching either. He felt more awake than he had in days, but his whole body was spinning, his mind was full of too much more information. 

"No, no..." Robert shoved Will away all of a sudden. "We can't."

"We can go to your room."

"NO," Robert panicked. "NO. We're not... I'M NOT GAY. YOU AREN'T MY BOYFRIEND. GET OUT. OUT!" He grabbed Will and shoved him out of the kitchen door, slamming it behind him and locking it. He leaned against the door, his breathing erratic, and then quickly refastened his pants before glancing into the living room. Aaron met his stare and was certain the panic he saw in Robert's was mirrored in his own. 

He leaned back on the couch and pulled the stupid blanket up and around him. He felt cold, and his brain was full of all the questions he never allowed himself to ask Robert. Every single one of them playing in his mind, over and over again. And he couldn't take his eyes off of Robert. He was still at the door, he'd looked away from Aaron though and was peeking through the windows on the door. 

"Did he leave?"

Robert nodded and let out a long breath. He straightened his pants on his hips and shirt, buttoning up the top buttons again. Aaron wondered how clothes could get rumpled so fast -- it all seemed to happen in seconds. Robert walked to the counter and poured two glasses of lemonade. Then he was sitting on the couch next to Aaron and handing a glass. 

"Drink, not too fast."

Aaron lifted it up and realized his hand was shaking. He glanced at Robert as he drank and thought he looked too pale. All his freckles looked stark, and he was breathing through his mouth. It reminded him of that night when he realized Robert wasn't really all that much older than him. It all came back to him now because Robert looked sad and ready to fly away. He looked like he wanted to run. 

"I'm sorry..." Robert breathed.

"What?"

He sighed and looked at Aaron. "You're always here."

"Don't mean to be..."

"I know that, who'd choose..." Robert sighed. "I was meant to bury it."

"Boys?"

"Yeah..."

"What if you can't?"

"Does it look like I did?"

"There's Katie..." Aaron whispered.

Robert smiled, just a flicker, but it was a real smile before it just faded away. "I really like her...which is messed up..." He muttered. 

"'Cause of Andy?"

"Everything..." Robert sighed. 

"Were you and he...together?"

Robert nodded. "It meant more to him."

"Why?"

""I can't... Let it go past just feeling good."

"Does it?" Aaron asked. 

"What?"

"With a guy... It feels good?"

Robert stared at him and shook his head. "Aaron, I'm not giving you the sex talk."

Aaron blushed and shook his head. 'That wasn't..."

"Are you okay?" Robert asked. 

"Are you?"

"No, but...but, something's going on with you? You... You're making yourself sick, Aaron? Have you been sleeping?"

Aaron ducked his head. 

"You aren't, aren't ya?" 

"I can't..."

"Why?"

He wanted to tell him, it almost felt like Robert would be the only person he could tell -- whisper all of it, all the bad and confusing things locked up in his head, causing him have nightmares every night. But he couldn't do it, the words wouldn't form. 

"You don't have to tell..." Robert muttered. 

"I can't..." Aaron bit back a sob and wiped his eyes, knowing Robert wouldn't understand.

"I'll wait." 

Aaron stared at him.

"For when you can," Robert said. "Least, I owe ya, right." 

Aaron nodded. 

Robert sighed and ran his hands over his face.

"Are you gonna try to make up with him?"

"No...can't...can't get caught," Robert inhaled sharply. "He was too needy, anyway, I was just waiting until after the test to drop him, to be honest."

"What about Katie?" 

Robert nudged him. "You like Katie or something?"

"What?" Aaron felt his face screw up at the thought. 

Robert nodded. "Yeah, didn't think so...but you ask about her a lot."

"Just think.."

"What?"

"You're better than that..."

"Better than what?"

"Messing with Andy's marriage," Aaron shrugged.

"No..." He looked down and shook his head. "I'm not." 

Aaron shook his head. 

Robert stared at him for a bit, then frowned and touched Aaron's forehead. Aaron tried to will himself not to blush, but he did and darted his eyes away from Robert. He felt a hand go into his hair, and Robert was standing up. "Come on..."

"What?"

"You'll never get a nap sleeping down here, go up to my room."

"But I can't...I'm too awake, I'll have a nightmare."

"I'll stay then..." He stopped at the table and started to pick up his books and notebooks. "I'll sit on the floor and study." 

"You'd do that?"

"If you feel safe enough with me."

Aaron shrugged. 

Robert nodded and started toward the stairs. 

"Robert," Aaron blurted. 

"Yeah," he looked back.

Everything got stopped up in his throat again, all the words and things he wanted to say and ask. "I... You’ll wait?"

"For what you can't say?"

Aaron nodded.

"I'll wait."

~~~

Aaron managed to sleep better for a few days, but it’d been the weekend and Monday, Ross Barton was in his face again…. Sometimes Aaron wondered if Ross wanted him to punch him, wanted a fight. He got into a lot of fights with the other students because he was the cocky ringleader of the biggest bullies in the school. Aaron almost did it, a few times, just laid him out — he knew he could. He knew he could take him. But he was afraid of it, afraid of giving in to the violence and the hatred he was feeling — because wasn’t that what his father did? Wasn’t that what Robert’s father had done? 

It was wrong. 

He felt it in his bones. 

He couldn’t be a monster. 

So, he kept his head down and refused to tell Adam and Victoria, why Ross had him shaking by the end of the day. Barton seemed extra cruel, almost desperate for Aaron’s attention. But Aaron refused it, he kept his head down, and he tried to avoid him best he could. He asked for rides home, instead of taking the bus. He walked the long way around the school to get to his classes — what was a few tardy slips. 

Then Ross blabbed. 

To the whole school.

To his bully friends. 

It was the hardest and longest day of Aaron’s life. Either he was getting looked at out of pity, or being accused of all sorts — being sneered at and called awful for being the son of a pedophile. But he tried, he tried not let it get him, but it was useless — and he’d had no choice but to get on the bus. Victoria and Adam tried to flank him, but it was useless. He held Adam back from trying to punch his cousin — Adam shouldn’t get in trouble for him. Ross was the worst on the bus, he managed to corner Aaron and whisper horrible things in his ear…

He couldn’t get them out his of his head, but he tried to pretend the words were never said…. So many wrong things kept jumping to his mind, and he felt ready to crawl out of his skin by the time they got off the bus. He told Vic and Adam to back off and shut up. He didn’t want to talk about it. No, he wasn’t telling his mum or Uncle Cain. He begged them to be quiet. So the group of them fell silent, and he followed Adam and Victoria to the Sugden’s. 

It was the last place he wanted to be, but he didn’t know where he wanted to be. He wanted quiet, so as awkward as the silence was on the way there, Aaron savored it. But he wished they'd stopped shooting him worried looks, he wished for them to get caught up in each other and forget he was there.

They went about doing their homework once they got to the house. Or least they all pretended too. All of them over their maths books, Vic and Adam sharing worried glances and staring at him like he might break. He shifted in his seat because he was afraid he might. His head felt heavy, and his stomach queasy, and Ross Barton’s voice was mingled with his father’s in his head. 

And he thought he’d forgotten Gordon’s voice, forgotten his lies and his words, and how he twisted things up and made Aaron think he was horrible. He’d learned, he learned a lot in counseling when he was younger, but he'd forgotten it all, or couldn’t access the needed memories. Not after weeks of Ross Barton bringing up the horrible nightmare he’d lived before a teacher, and his mum saved him. 

The Sugden’s kitchen door crashed open with a bang, Katie and Andy walked in shouting — at least it felt like shouting to Aaron. It made him jump, not startle, he jumped and stumbled out of his chair, his undone maths homework falling the floor. He flushed embarrassed and snapped at Vic that he could get it when she jumped up to help him. Andy gave him an exasperated and look and glanced at Katie, who rolled her eyes in response. Aaron felt like a nuisance, he felt wrong and wasn’t that what Gordon used to tell him… 

He noticed Andy whisper something to Katie, and it made her laugh, and he was sure it was at him, at his expense, and he felt angry and confused. He wondered what Robert saw in her, wondered why Robert had really fallen for her — because all Robert been doing since he threw out Will was seeing Katie behind Andy’s back and studying for his GCSEs. Andy was rolling his eyes again, and Aaron suddenly wished Robert would blow the affair and destroy Andy and Katie — wasn’t that the plan?

Only it was fouled up because Robert cared about her… and it hurt, and it confused him. Robert had just forgotten Will like he’d forgotten Mark. Aaron felt jealous and upset, his stomach swirled, and he wished he could stop liking boys, something was wrong… 

Then Ross’s voice was in his ear, ugly and mean… “Do you like little boys, too, Dingle?”

The contents in his stomach heaved, he felt clammy and cold, and he tried to stop it. Shut his mouth, hand up and over it, but it was useless, and he lunged for the kitchen sink, and he barely made it time. His insides heaving up, and his whole body shaking. 

He was afraid to move, he felt his insides moving and felt frozen bent over the sink, smelling what he’d done and felt his stomach roil and the voices in his head screaming things he didn’t want to hear or think. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t move, and he felt ready to be sick again. And everyone had rushed around him. He felt hands on his back and thought it was Vic and Katie, their touch was the opposite of comfort, and he wanted to shake it off. He wanted to yell, don’t touch me, but his voice was gone. He wasn’t even sure if he was all there at all. 

“Aaron, are you alright, Aaron, are you alright…” Adam’s voice was loud, and Aaron wanted to shut him up. He kept repeating the question, and if Aaron wanted to answer it, he wouldn’t have been able to get a word in. But he didn’t want to answer. He just wanted quiet. He wanted to be alone. 

“This has got to stop, we should call Chas… he’s nothing but a nuisance lately..” Andy’s voice hit his ears. 

He was nothing but trouble. 

“Give him a bit, Andy…” Katie said. 

“It’s not his fault, Andy,” Victoria argued. 

“He’s sick… Aaron, are you alright…” it was Adam again. 

The world was spinning and too loud, and he felt cornered. He was trapped, and, suddenly he was shoving off Katie and Victoria, pushing passed Adam not knowing where he was going, but he couldn’t get far. His legs were weak underneath him, and he just fell to the floor. He sank down with a thud and put his hands over ears and tried to shut everything out. It felt the world was going black at the edges anyway, but he could still hear them, chattering voices, but they’d turned muffled and far away, and he wondered where he’d gone. He felt displaced and dazed, and his stomach was still heavy, and he could taste the sick in his mouth. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He wanted to yell at them to shut up. 

He tried to will his ears not to listen. 

“Aaron…” there was a new voice. 

“Aaron?” it was softer and calmer than the rest. 

“Aaron?” it spoke slower with more silence between the next repeat of his name. “Aaron?”

He blinked and looked toward the sound and found deep blue-green eyes, and he knew them. He knew them, and they were safe. They were friendly and familiar. He knew them… he felt a soft touch on his knee, soft as the voice sounded. “Aaron?” 

He stared and tried to place the eyes, tried to place the voice, he knew him, didn’t he? It was why they’d silenced the others, why he could see him through the haze of his brain. 

“Aaron, can you see me?”

Aaron blinked a few times, and the world shifted a tiny bit into focus, enough to see more than just the eyes of the man speaking. It was Robert, and he let out a small breath of relief. 

“Aaron?”

“Robert…”

“Hi. Are you sick?”

Aaron shook his head. 

“What’s happened?”

“It’s those boys a school…”

“It’s my cousin Ross…” 

It was Adam and Vic, shouting over each other and it was too loud, and he couldn’t hear it, he couldn’t hear them tell what’d been happening to him at school and the panic made his voice work. 

“SHUT UP…” 

“Now, wait a minute…”Andy’s voice boomed, and he sounded like Mr. Sugden, and Aaron felt like the world was going black again until Robert’s voice filled the room. 

“Andy, get out,” Robert said. 

“What?”

“I said, get out.”

“I will not… we got to call Chas and have her get him.”

“Not yet… just… all of you go, I’ll talk to him.” 

“What are you going to do, Robert?” Katie laughed. 

“Just go...GO,” Robert shouted. 

Aaron willed them to listen to him… A piece of him wanted Robert to leave too, leave him alone because no one could help him. There was nothing to be done, something was wrong with him. That was all there was too it, there was something wrong with him. He wanted quiet, he needed quiet, to remember how to breathe.

But felt the light touch on his knee again followed by a soft. “Aaron?” 

He felt a small tingle of relief that Robert was still there.

“They’re all gone…can you look at me?”

Aaron peeked up and found only Robert’s eyes again.

“Can you stand up?”

His head shook, and his voice cracked. “No, can't breathe.”

“You are, just too much…that’s all….” Robert whispered, and his eyes moved out of Aaron’s sight, and he grabbed at Robert in a panic. “Stay.”

“Okay, okay…not moving…” Robert’s eyes were back in view. 

Aaron stared at them until slowly, Robert’s full face came into view, and he let out a shaky breath. 

“What’s Barton doing?” Robert prompted

“It’s nothing,” Aaron lied.

“Aaron, you’ve made yourself sick, again… Vic and Adam look dead worried…” his voice softened. “I am too.”

“He found out… he blabbed it to everyone, today.”

“Blabbed what?”

“About my dad.”

“Fuck…” Robert’s expression hardened for a second.

“I thought it was over, but it’s not…it’s never over, he’s always here, inside my head…it’s never over.”

“He’s dead, Aaron,” Robert said.

Aaron shrugged. “But he’s not gone, it’s inside me and what if…” his voice cracked on a sob.

Robert’s hand pressed gently against Aaron’s leg. “What, what if, what Aaron… please talk to me?

“What if he broke me.”

“No,” Robert snapped. “No, he didn’t.” 

“You can’t know that you can’t be sure.”

“I am Aaron… I’m sure.”

Aaron hiccuped in a sob, and he shook his head. “But you don’t know, you don't know what….” he felt his body start to shake again, his limbs heaving and Robert’s face was getting fuzzy, in he inhaled sharply and felt like he was breathing. 

“Shh, shh…” Robert tapped his leg again and sought Aaron’s eyes. “There you are… breathe with me, okay? Breathe in,” Robert whispered, and Aaron tried to follow his lead. “We won’t talk about it anymore, alright…breathe out… Breathe in.”

Slowly, the edges of his eyes started clear up again, and he started to see more of the Sugden kitchen around him and just how close Robert was sitting in front of him. He could see all his freckles and the specs of green in his eyes… Robert seemed to be breathing for him until he realized he was doing it on his own. 

“Any better?” Robert asked after a few minutes.

Aaron laughed.

“Stupid question,” Robert rolled his eyes at himself.

“Yeah.”

Robert glanced toward the door to the porch, and Aaron followed him. Adam and Victoria were hovered near the screen, keeping quiet but their eyes wide as they watched. Aaron tensed up. 

“They’re just worried.

“I don’t like it…”

“They care.”

Aaron looked away from them, Robert included. He never knew what do with people caring. Maybe he’d been alone with his father too long. It felt foreign still, even years later. His mum was loud with it, but so in his face with it that she never quite noticed he didn’t know where to put her love for him. Aaron sighed and told himself to be thankful, but he was shaky, tired, hurt, and scared. He sought out Robert again and caught him watching him. His expression was soft and concerned. And something nice flipped inside of him, and it was strange because the caring felt different from Robert. It didn’t feel intrusive, and somehow it made him feel better. Not a lot, but enough,, enough he was breathing again. 

“Can you stand?” Robert asked.

Aaron nodded, and Robert helped him to his feet. 

“Go up to my room and find something to wear from my bureau, okay?” 

Aaron looked at him, blankly, and Robert indicated his shirt. He blushed, realizing the mess wasn’t only his head. He'd gotten it over himself and not all in the sink. 

“It’s fine, go on up and change…I’ll be up soon,” Robert said, doing it again and making him feel better… but…

“Come with me,” he whispered. 

“I will, but first, gonna stop Andy and Katie calling your mum… go on.” 

Aaron peeked at the door again and couldn’t take seeing Adam and Victoria’s worried faces, so he nodded and hurried up the stairs. Robert’s room felt nice and familiar. Covered with books and dirty clothes. Aaron reached into Robert’s bureau found and old blue jumper that felt soft against his skin — and he flushed a bit, thinking it smelled like him. It wasn’t a long wait for the door to slowly open, and Robert walked in, carrying a glass of water. “You need this.” 

Aaron took a few slow sips and watch Robert sort of pace his bedroom, a conflicted looked on his face. Aaron knew he worried him and guilt gnawed at him, and he was about to attempt an apology when Robert sat down on his bed and gave Aaron a serious look. But his eyes were still soft, and when he spoke, so was his voice. 

“I promised, I’d wait… But…you don’t have to tell me, I’ll understand. But Aaron’s something really making your head spin, you’re making yourself ill with it and… that’s scary…” Robert looked away for a moment. “You’ve, you’ve kept a lot of my secrets, some of my worst ones. I promise I can keep one of yours.” 

“I like boys…” it left his mouth easily, and his heart hammered, but he'd always known one day he’d tell Robert. 

Robert nodded, but there was no surprise in his expression, and Aaron’s anxiety overpowered his relief. “No..no…does every one know….”

“What, no, no… hey,” Robert’s hands were on his shoulders. “No…I’ve just wondered, that’s all, I wasn’t sure.”

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Aaron whispered. 

“I told you, it’s our secret,” Robert studied him for a minute longer and took a deep breath. “This have anything to do with what you said earlier about feeling broken?”

The fear coiled in his belly, and he nodded, Gordon and Ross’ voices started to echo in his head again. 

“Shh…don't go away,” Robert whispered. 

Aaron searched out Robert’s eyes and let them ground him. Then he nodded. 

“He didn’t, Aaron. It has nothing to do with what he did to ya, I promise.”

“But…”

“No…look…” Robert’s face flushed and looked away. “That never happened to me, did it, and I…”

“But you like girls…” Aaron argued. “Like Katie.” 

“Yeah,” Robert smiled a bit at the mention of Katie.

Aaron looked away from him. 

“But…I like boys, Aaron… I don’t get it, and it’s complicated… and my dad…” Robert sighed. “I’m not good at this.”

“At what?”

“It’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay you like boys and not girls. It’s okay.”

Aaron shook his head. “But… you don’t act like it’s okay.”

“I’m not you.”

“But…”

“It’s different for me…” Robert snapped. “I… You’re the one that matters right now. And I’m telling ya it’s okay, Aaron. And, you, you… You aren’t like anyone else around here, Aaron. You’re good. You are _so good_. 

Aaron shook his head.

Robert shook him a bit, hands tightening on his shoulders. “You are. You’re the best person I know and look at ya, you’re still a kid… And I don’t want, I don’t want that ripped out of ya, Aaron. You gotta promise me, keep hold of who you are… Which is good…” Robert trailed away, and Aaron felt something crack inside of him at the sight of his expression. His eyes were sad, and his face fallen. 

“Robert?”

“It’s okay that you like boys…” Robert said again. 

Aaron almost believed him. 

“Your dad, he didn’t break ya… never think that.”

Aaron wanted to believe him. 

“Also… why the hell haven’t you punched Ross in the face?”

“I don’t wanna be a monster…” 

“You’re not, Aaron…. He’s the monster, your dad was a monster. I meant it, you’re good… but, stand up for yourself. You’re Dingle, yeah… your uncle teach ya how to throw a punch?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, cause Ross Barton is a little shit of a coward, and you can wipe his ignorant bullshit out of his mouth.”

“Yeah, guess I could…” Aaron nodded.

“Then do it, alright… it’ll be worth the trouble you get in.”

“Will it?”

“Yeah…” Robert sighed. “You need to tell your mum about making yourself sick, Aaron.”

“No,” he shouted. 

“Yeah… not about Ross, she’d make that worse, but that he’s back in your head. You can’t deal with this on your own… Please? You’re making yourself sick.”

Aaron chewed on his bottom lip.

“Think about it,” Robert said. 

“Alright.”

“Okay…” Robert nodded and let go his shoulders. “I um, talked to your mum, you’re gonna stay over. You can sleep in here, I’ll crash on the couch downstairs. I’ll go get your schoolwork and bring it up here.” 

“But Andy…your Dad?” 

“Let them have a go, I’ll tell ‘em you’re too sick to move. Not much of a lie even.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Robert grinned and started to leave his room.

“Robert,”

“What?”

He was feeling too much again, but this time it was nice. He felt heard and seen and somehow better. Lighter. He said the words, out loud to somehow who understood. A least a little bit. He wanted to say thank you, he wanted to convey it meant something. But it all got stopped up in his throat. “Will you help me with maths?” 

“Yeah, of course… be right back.”

Aaron watched him disappear and felt his heartbeat weirdly in his chest and decided to ignore what it could mean. 

~~~

It was over a month later when Aaron startled awake in his bed. He blinked at his ceiling a few times in sleepy confusion. He was used to waking up to a still dark night, but that was from his nightmares, and thanks to going back to counseling, they'd faded in the last few weeks. He sighed and turned to look at the time, and the clock blinked at 4:13 am. Confused, he sat in his bed, ears perked and listening, trying to figure out what may have woken him. 

_Plink_

He turned toward his window? What was that?

_Plink_

Something was hitting his window. He frowned, crawled out bed, and wondered what stupidity Adam wanted to get into at this hour on a weekday. Only when he peered outside, he saw Robert Sugden down in the back alley leaning against his car. He opened his window and looked down at him with confusion. 

“Come down,” Robert called up. 

Aaron shrugged out a yes and closed his window. His curiosity was peaked, but an unease swirled in his belly. He stepped carefully over the creaky step of the stairs, not wanting to get caught sneaking outside. His heart pounded harder and harder as he made his way toward Robert. Because there couldn’t be a good reason for this… 

As soon as within sight of Robert, he knew he was right. His face was all scraped up, and it looked he was sporting a black eye. “What happened.”

“You missed witnessing this one…” Robert laughed, but it sounded hollow. “They found out, Jack and Andy, about Katie…”

“You told ‘em?”

Robert shook his head. “She did.”

“Why?”

“To hurt me…” Robert’s cracked. “I thought. I thought she was done with me, we had this fight, and I thought she chose Andy...cause why wouldn’t she, everyone chooses Andy. I was hurt and well… I slept with her friend Marnie. Katie caught us in bed.”

“Robert…” Aaron sighed.

“Yeah, I know… I’m daft.”

Aaron nodded.

“She told Andy and Jack, made it out like she was my victim, said all sorts and they bought her story, they think I tried to ruin her… I…” Robert trailed off. “Maybe in the beginning, I did, but… Anyway, Jack punched me, and then Andy shoved me…”

Aaron felt his eyes tearing up, his heart in his throat. “Robert, why are you here?”

"You know," Robert whispered. "Jack did it. He finally found an excuse, Aaron. He kicked me out."

"No..."

"Told me to leave Emmerdale and never look back."

"But..."

"I'm leaving, Aaron."

"But you can't..." Aaron cried. "No."

"I have too... I want too... Why stay when I hate this place, Aaron." 

Aaron shook his head and wiped at his eyes. "Where will you go?”

"I'm screwed on university... But that was always true..." Robert shrugged. "London, maybe... Anywhere but here."

Aaron sniffled.

"I just... I wanted to tell ya." 

"Why?" Aaron asked. 

Robert shrugged. "Figured you might be the only person to notice I'm gone."

“Vic, will.”

“She kinda has too..” Robert looked down.

“That’s not true.”

“It is…” Robert shrugged and looked up. "Will ya...look out for her, for me?

"Yeah..."

Robert nodded, and silence fell. Aaron shifted on his feet, feeling at a loss, there was words and feelings in his head, but they were stopped up in his throat -- he hated it. He hated this... Maybe someday he'd known Robert might leave. But not like this, not because he was being forced to by a dad that never cared. It was unfair, and it hurt, it hurt a lot. 

Aaron knew he would miss him. 

"I gotta..." Robert broke the silence. 

Aaron nodded. 

"Take care of yourself, Aaron."

Aaron chewed his lip and watched Robert start to get into his car, and suddenly he couldn't do it, he couldn't just let him leave, he couldn't let him go without saying something -- though what he didn't know, there were no words. But he had to find a way... Because they were something to each other, they always had been. It'd started with the first secret, Aaron kept. He owed Robert something, didn't he? 

"ROBERT."

Robert stopped and looked over at him, and Aaron could feel his sadness. And he ran, he ran straight for him and barreled into him. He hugged him. He'd never done anything like it in his life, and it felt awkward but also right. He clung to him and wished he could say something, but this was all he could do. After a beat, Robert’s arms wrapped around him. Hard and solid. It was a tight hug, he pulled Aaron into him. Reciprocating whatever it was Aaron was trying to say -- maybe, or at least something close to it. They hugged, and Aaron felt something settled in his bones, only for it to unsettle a second later as Robert broke the hug and stepped away. He gave Aaron a sad smile, slipped into his car, and drove away. 

Aaron stared at the spot where the car vanished from his sight for a good ten minutes and thought he'd never see Robert again. 


	2. Secret's Told

Part Two: Secrets Told

Robert Twenty-six, Aaron Twenty-Two

Robert

Robert Sugden slammed on his brakes when he caught sight of the sign, causing his seatbelt to slam his body back into the seat. He gripped the steering wheel and stared at it and realized he'd never seen it before. It'd changed, it wasn't the old dull and fading Welcome to Emmerdale sign he remembered. The font was bolder, the colors brighter, and it looked cheery and welcoming. But was he? He could hear him, Jack, clear as a bell in his ears his voice steady and resolute. There was no hesitation, there was no break in the words, and it'd been an order. "You leave here, Robert, you leave Emmerdale, and you never come back."

Something broke inside of him that night. Jack destroyed the small flare of hope he carried in his heart that he mattered to him. His heart cracked. He told himself he was happy to be free of Jack, that he could be who he wanted without any fear. He almost believed it, for a long time, that he could be free. But it followed him, Jack was in his bones, the memory of violence and hateful words were impossible to leave behind. He tried more times than he could count, but he'd always go back to burying it. 

His eyes fell on the small bisexual pride flag keychain he had dangling from his windshield mirror. He'd put it there nearly a year ago, and he swallowed. Had it been that long since he first admitted the word and realized how right it sounded? It'd felt different, he'd felt stronger and more certain. That finally, he was being himself, and it would be okay… 

He looked at the sign again. His eyes ticked back and forth from it to the Emmerdale sign and back again. His foot still pressed hard against the brake pedal, and his hand twitching to stick the car into reverse. 

Robert looked at the keychain and felt the unwelcome sound of Jack's voice in his mind. Years of sly put downs and dismissals. The shout of hatred and anger as Jack called him twisted and sick. He was called wrong and disrespectful and selfish. He felt tears prick his eyes because he'd learned to tell the specter of Jack to fuck off. Maybe it'd been about a year, but it still felt new, it felt like he was still in the beginning. 

After all, the only people who knew were strangers and his ex-girlfriend Chrissie White. Chrissie had barged into his flat to catch him cheating on her, with her sister but found him with a man instead. Robert clenched his jaw as Jack's voice rose up with the memory. Shouting that he was damaged and self-destructive. And maybe he wasn't wrong? Because Robert couldn't tell anyone that mattered to him. He'd never told Victoria, no one he worked with knew — just his one night stands. He couldn't fathom telling anyone who mattered. He wasn't strong enough? Robert clenched his jaw and shook his head. He'd promised himself when he got in the car that he wouldn't do this. He didn't want to crash back into the closet. 

He'd loved Chrissie, but lying to her ate him up inside. It got harder and harder the older he got, but he never considered telling her. Instead, he fell into affair after affair. Both men and women, Chrissie's sister, her father's male assistant. But somehow her finding him in bed with Connor changed everything. It kicked him in the arse in a way that made him change. Made him want to change. Not to get Chrissie back, that was a lost cause, but to feel free of all the pain and all the baggage. To finally excise Jack's control of his life. All the lies and the secrets… It wasn't perfect, he had so far to go, but he thought he was finally getting there. He had a better job, he had a new flat, he was taking care of himself. And what mattered most was he'd uttered the word bisexual about himself out loud multiple times. It meant something. It did.

But then Vic called. His sister, the only family that mattered to him. She called him to beg him to come home for her wedding to her childhood sweetheart Adam Barton. It wasn't a surprise they were together and in love. Robert watched their childhood friendship blossom into something more. He'd hated it, not because he thought Adam wasn't good enough for her — though he thought that too. But because he envied it. Envied their connection. Envied how his father looked at them and approved of their love. Rooted for them, like he'd rooted for Andy and Katie. It hurt. Because Jack never rooted for him. Ever. He would always be jealous of Vic and Andy. They never had to fight to be seen. He fought for it, but it never worked, Jack refused to look at him in the eye. 

So, he'd told her no and made up lies about work. But she was stubborn and kept calling, kept coaxing, kept asking. And he got harsher and harsher toward her and felt horrible every time. Until he finally went too far, and she stopped calling and answering his texts. 

It weighed on him, the guilt churned in his stomach, and he stared at the ceiling every night. He started to think about their childhood before their mum died. Thinking about the family and the farm, the way it was back before his childhood was ripped away by a fire. He missed his mum in a way that crushed him, so he rarely thought about her. He pushed her away, but she kept popping into mind, the more Victoria avoided his attempts at texting her. Just wanting to know his sister didn't hate him too. And he started to realize Vic wouldn't have their mum at her wedding. And how wrong that felt, and he realized he couldn't — no, he wouldn't let her down. 

So, now he was staring at bloody Welcome sign and feeling like he was about to drive into hell. It was dramatic, but it felt dramatic. He felt trapped and afraid. His eyes ticked from the sign back to the keychain, and it's purple and pink stripes. _Thwack._ He shivered at the memory, and he heard his father's hatred swirl in his mind. Tears fell from his eyes, and he sucked in a breath to try to stop the wobble of his chin. 

He felt the thwack leather against his back. 

Robert reached up and yanked hard on the keychain. The string that held it onto the mirror snapped, and he shoved into his glovebox., slamming it closed. He nodded as he did it, trying to feel confident in the decision. He gave a hard sniff to clear his nose. Finally, he took his foot off the brake and hit the accelerator. 

He crossed into the hell and hoped he wouldn't get burned. 

~~~

The village wasn't the same, but it wasn't different either. Robert felt a heavy pang of homesickness as the village unfolded before his eyes. Years of missing it that he'd shoved aside rising up at the sight of it. It was small and quiet and picturesque. It almost felt like home, and he clenched his jaw against it. Because it wasn't his home. He wasn't wanted, and he knew it, and he needed to be realistic. But it was hard to shove away how much he missed Emmerdale when he was driving through it.

He tried to distract himself and let his eyes fall on a beautiful woman. She saw him and waved at him, and that homesickness rose instead of fell. But he watched her crossed the street, tucking her hair behind an ear and a cheeky smile on her face. He noticed she was heading toward the grocers, David's it was called… that was new, and he found he couldn't remember what it was called when he left. He told himself it didn't matter, but it felt like it did, and he realized he hadn't distracted himself from the truth. He missed Emmerdale. 

Irritated, he turned his attention back to the road, intending to hit the accelerator so the scenery would become a green blur. Only there was a man who was looking off to the side of the road, hands shoved into his pockets of a dark hoodie seeming oblivious to the fact he was about to get run over. Robert slammed on the brakes and honked his horn. 

"Oi, watch it," the man yelled at him. 

"Me, that's rich from the bloke standing in the middle of the road," Robert shouted out his window. 

As the man stepped closer, his hood fell from his face, and Robert felt smacked in his chest, and time slowed. The man was beautiful. It was the only word for it and his eyes…felt like _home_. That was bonkers, Robert mentally shook himself and tried to look away. But he couldn't because he knew those eyes. Why were they so familiar?

"Hey?" the guy said, and Robert noticed his brow had furrowed. 

Robert couldn't speak. He was struck silent from attraction and the eerie feeling of sensing something he couldn't pinpoint. He started to smile, though, at the beautiful stranger until he heard someone honking from behind him… 

And where he was and where he was headed thundered back to him. It didn't matter if this man was beautiful and it didn't matter why his eyes felt… No, no. It was ridiculous anyway that he'd thought he knew the man. And he couldn't consider acting on his attraction. Not here, not near Jack…

So he shut it down and muttered. "Sorry, never mind."

"But...Ro.." 

He barely heard him because he avoided looking at him, and his foot was the accelerator again. He felt like he was fleeing. He felt a bit sick like he'd rubbed sandpaper against his skin. Everything inside of him was screaming against burying his attraction to that man. It felt wrong to deny the urge to understand why he felt a pull toward him. 

Robert knew he wasn't making the right call. He was letting Jack control him, and it grated. But the lie would be easier, and he was good at lying. He'd always been good at playing roles and pretending things to get what he wanted. And right now, it'd be easier to play by Jack's rules. He knew what they were. He didn't need to see his father again to know what would be expected. What he needed to do in order to be allowed to stay. It hurt, and it felt awful. But he'd hurt Vic. He'd made her feel unwanted. Her silence was screaming it, and he hated himself for it. He promised himself he would be at her wedding. He would be there for Vic. It didn't matter if he wanted to turn around, it didn't matter if he felt uncomfortable in his own skin the whole time. If he turned around, he might save himself from Jack's disappointment, but he'd lose his sister. 

He could do this for Vic. 

Robert needed to make it up to her. All his rejections had hurt her, he'd gotten curter and curter with her. He was too harsh, but he'd wanted her to let it go for both their sakes. But he could never tell her why he never wanted to return to Emmerdale. He'd never break her heart like that — he just couldn't. So he'd pushed her away and probably gone too far. He usually did. He felt horrible, and he tried calling her and texting her, but she ignored them all. He was afraid she thought he didn't love her, and it was killing him. Getting back in touch with her a few years ago had been the smartest decision he ever made. But he'd controlled the terms. If she wanted to see him, she had to come to him. It'd felt safer that way — if she got too close, he'd end up telling her everything. And that couldn't happen. So, he'd play the role his father wanted, while making it clear to Vic that he loved her. He'd make sure his sister's wedding was special. 

Robert gripped the wheel as he saw the turn he needed to head toward the farm. _Home?_ He wondered it idly and was immediately taken back to that bizarre moment a few minutes ago when he saw that bloke's eyes. He shook his head against both thoughts. This wasn't home — it hadn't been since his mum died. And the thing with the man, that'd just been attraction. A second of time that he needed to forget. 

Robert took the turn. And his heart clenched a bit as he turned down the driveway, the gravel crunching under his tires. And the house came into view too quickly. He wasn't ready, and the homesickness was back as he stared at it. The house looked almost the same. Maybe it had some different flowers out front, and the paint was faded, but it was the same. The farm was the same old buildings… Unchanged. 

Just like Jack Sugden would want it. 

~~~

Robert paced the porch for the third time and knocked on the door again. Then he looked through a window and saw the kitchen. It was empty, and like the outside of the house, it was mostly the same with just a few differences. The countertops and kitchen table were the same, but there were new chairs and a bigger refrigerator. It made him feel strange, and he didn't want to examine why. But, the house appeared to be empty, and that was unsettling. It made something like fear churn in his gut. 

"Vic," he yelled because he wasn't about to shout for anyone else. "Vic!"

Nothing.

He looked around the porch and saw potted plants near the porch swing -- he always hated that thing because Jack bought it for Andy and Katie, and the two of them would sit on it like they were some perfect couple. A part of him would always wish he'd ruined them, it couldn't be helped. But there was always a small stab of guilt that he could never shake. Because a part of him would always wish it could be different. But he was never allowed to have what Andy was handed. Seducing Katie wasn't his finest hour, but it'd been borne out of jealousy and pain. He wished the pain would ebb away. "Focus," he muttered to himself and eyed the potted plants, again. They used to be where they hid the spare key. So he picked them up one by one, and it was under the last one, of course. He picked it up and unlocked the door. 

The kitchen smelled different, and he felt disappointed. It was more vanilla than lemon. But then he was he one always making lemonade because it reminded him of his mum. His eyes closed, and he wondered if he could see her face if he focused. See her standing at the counter, making the family's tea and talking a mile a minute about nothing, but always taking time to ask him about his day. She always saw him, and now his memories came with a fuzzy face, and he felt the crack in his heart threaten to widen. 

He shoved it away and decided to focus on the present. He took a look around, taking in the changes. They were small, but there was a wedding picture on a table, Jack and Diane -- the new wife. The woman who raised Victoria -- though from what he gathered she was never the mum to Vic, his mum had been to him. He frowned at that, hating Victoria lost their mum when she deserved to have her. It made him feel more confident he was doing the right thing. 

"Hello," he called out again, just in case someone was home, but the house was empty. He checked his watch and frowned. It was tea time, shouldn't someone be home? The longer he stood in the kitchen, Robert felt more and more awkward. He furrowed his brow and pulled out his cell phone. It felt surreal and strange, and it felt wrong feeling like a stranger in this kitchen that had been his domain for a long time. 

He pulled up Vic's number and frowned. Did he call her? Text her? What would he say? He pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and sat down. He stared at his phone for a good few minutes before he decided to call her. Only the second he pulled up her number, he remembered she wasn't answering his calls. He realized he would have to text her, and hope she at least read what he sent. He was halfway through typing that he was at the house when the phone rang. A picture Vic's face smiling up at him appeared, and he let out a sigh of relief. 

"Vic," he answered. 

"Robert..." Her voice was strange, and his stomach dropped. "Something awful's happened."

"Are you crying?"

"It's Dad. He's had a heart attack, Rob." 

"What?"

"One minute we were fighting about Aaron and the next... The doctors aren't saying much, but I think it's bad, it's bad, Rob... You need to come home."

It felt like the room was spinning, and his brain pinpointed the wrong information, and he stammered out. "You were fighting about Aaron? Aaron Dingle?"

"It's bad, Robert, please, please come home."

"I already am, Vic... Is it Hotten General Hospital?" 

"You're what?"

"I won't be an hour, okay, Hotten?"

"Yes, Hotten."

"I'm coming," he said and hung up.

**

Aaron

Aaron shook himself as the car sped away. He felt thrown into an odd space of déjà vu where it was both seven years ago and the present. All because the driver was freckled and gorgeous. It wasn't Robert, it couldn't have been — he would never come back to Emmerdale. Aaron sighed because he knew Victoria was heartbroken over it and angry with Robert. He wished he could tell her why, explain to her why Robert wouldn't come back — but it wasn't his secret.

And he had his own problems. At the moment, he was the most popular topic of village gossip and had been for a few days now. All because of Finn Barton, or at least he wished he could blame Finn. But he couldn't. He couldn't even blame the homophobic pricks that'd been attacking Finn. Because it'd been him in the end, not being able to stand by and watch the abuse. First, it was the insults, all the cliches that small-minded idiots tossed out at anyone queer. And they thought Finn was some poster boy for it, that all gay freaks were alike and they were going to show him. And Aaron had already been on his feet, his fingers curled up into a fist. He planned to let his hand make a fist and get between them and Finn. Do just enough to make them back down. 

They were cowards after all, and he knew it'd be simple, he'd fought cowards all his life in one way or another. But one of them shoved Finn before he got there, shouted something obscene, and called him a poof who couldn't fight back — like a man. And his mouth opened before his brain caught up. "Then fight a poof like me…" then he punched the prick hard in the jaw. 

And now the whole village knew he was gay. 

It hadn't been a secret. He'd told Adam and Victoria when they were eighteen, and he'd told his mum and the Dingles when he was twenty. Aaron was out, and he was comfortable in his own skin. But he hadn't announced it publicly, and he didn't tell everyone he met. He kept his head down and kept his private life quiet. Not that there was much to it at the moment. His last relationship ended badly, and he hadn't wanted to rush into anything new. His mum was pushing him back out there, more and more, and maybe he was ready. But he was still going to go at his own pace, and he really didn't want to it in front of the whole village. But he wouldn't have much choice now. 

And it wasn't as if the village was upset if anything they all seemed too giddy about for Aaron's taste. He would walk into a room, and people would stop their whispering. It tipped him off that they were nattering on about him, and it was driving him a bit mad. It made him feel closed in because they'd look at him with words about him on their tongues. He hated being looked at, it was uncomfortable, and it always made his skin crawl. It made him want to run and hide in the shadows where no one could see or find him -- which was how he'd ended up in the middle of the road. He was trying to get away from Bernice, who was carrying a bunch of gay leaflets and trying to shove them in his face. Like he was some kid struggling with his sexuality. 

But he wasn't a scared fifteen-year-old, confused from trauma and mixed messages anymore… Robert flashed to mind again. Aaron chewed his lip and looked in the direction the car had disappeared. The man's freckled face and Robert's face seven years ago trying to meld together into one — and Aaron felt like the images matched. He shook his head. It wasn't him, it wasn't him…and wasn't that was a familiar refrain. Because it wasn't the first time, he wished he'd caught a glimpse of Robert. It happened whenever he felt pulled toward a blonde man with freckles. It was a frustrating spark of hope that never seemed to fade — it was the wish of a fifteen-year-old boy. Aaron blushed embarrassed by the memories of his crush, and felt thankful he realized it after Robert left Emmerdale.

"Aaron…"

He looked over and saw Leyla and Tracy heading toward him and scowled, bracing himself for another awkward, weird conversation with people he rarely spoke to…. Pearl and Vanessa had tried chatting with him about what celebrities he found attractive the other day. Nearly twenty minutes of his time that he would never get back. 

"Hiya," Tracy grinned and pushed some of her hair behind her ear. "We're going to take Finn out to cheer him up, you know, after…" 

Aaron winced because he just wanted to put it behind him. He'd helped the guy out, end of. He was gay, end of. Why was it all such a production?

"So, do you want to come?" 

"What?" he asked, realizing he'd forgotten to listen to them.

"To the gay bar with us and Finn?" Leyla said with a strange smile. 

"No."

"But…" Tracy and Leyla shared a look. "Your mum said you were looking to start dating again — sorry to hear about that bad relationship, we've all been there."

"What?"

"Finn's a great guy, Aaron," Tracy said. 

"No."

"But…"

"I'm not looking, and yeah Finn's nice and all, but he ain't my type…" Aaron shrugged, turned, and started stalking toward the pub. He and his mum needed to have a few words. 

He walked straight up to the bar and sat down, faking a smile in return when she grinned at him as she helped a customer. He sat on the stool and pressed his foot against the bar, tilting back, waiting for her to talk to him. 

"On the house," she said with a wide smile and put a pint in front of him. 

"What've you been telling people," he hissed.

"What?"

"Tracy and Leyla just tried to set up a date with Finn."

"He's good bloke, Aaron, you could do worse, you have done…"

"Mum, my private life is no one's business. Keep your nose out, and don't tell people about me love life."

Chas deflated, "I'm sorry…but…"

"Mum," he groaned. "I just want this all to die down, and what're you doing telling Leyla and Tracy about my life."

"I'm proud of ya, and it's nice to talk about ya... I guess."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"Finn is a good boy."

"Not happening," he sighed. 

"I just…"

"No, Mum… all right. I like him fine, but as a mate."

"Alright, alright…I just, it's been a year since you and Jax."

"And I'm over it, he was no good for me. But Mum...I can find my own bloke or blokes… young yet."

She laughed and nodded. "Alright, I'll try to keep my nose out, but I'm your mum, and I love ya."

Aaron sighed but nodded resigned. She was always going to do his head in. 

Chas frowned, her gaze shifting over her shoulder. Aaron turned and saw that Katie just walked into the pub. He frowned, confused because the two of them were friends. 

"Katie, you have to give that husband of yours a talking too, Jack too…" Chas snapped. 

Aaron cringed and took a long swig of his pint. If most of the village was giddy and nattering on and on about him being gay, and sticking their noses into his love life. Jack Sugden was the exact opposite. Not that Aaron was surprised. As far as he knew, Jack had never liked him and had only put up with him for Victoria's sake. Aaron knew if Jack ever found out about him, it would be a problem for the man, so he'd barely registered it when Jack stormed out of the pub after the altercation with the homophobes. 

What he didn't know was what his mum was talking about. "What's happened?"

Chas sighed. "I didn't wanna worry ya."

"Mum?"

"Jack is on Diane to sell out of the pub, he doesn't want her near you…" Katie said with a sigh. "Andy's on his side, and I tried, Chas I really did, but I needed to clear my head, so I took a long ride. The horse is outside." 

"That bad, really?" Chas shook her head. 

Katie shrugged. "I mean, Jack's said things here and there but… I don't know, he knows Aaron."

"I just never thought he'd be so…" Chas made a face and trailed off.

"Homophobic," Aaron supplied, not afraid to say it. It felt relieving, he realized, to say the truth out loud. He'd known who Jack Sugden was since he was eleven. 

The two women exchanged uneasy looks, and Aaron looked into his beer. If they only knew the half of it — but he wouldn't say anything, though it grated and it'd always felt wrong. He'd never been comfortable keeping quiet about the lengths Jack Sugden was willing to go because of his homophobia. But it wasn't his secret, and he'd never break the promise he made Robert. 

"Jack's a good sort, though," Chas said. 

Beer went up Aaron's nose, and he started coughing. Chas grabbed him a bottled water, and he had to shrug Katie's hand off his back — he hated people touching him. 

"Alright, Aaron."

He nodded as he got his breath back. 

"I'm sure Diane will… but I'll work on Andy more when Jack's not around."

"Thank you, Katie… Aaron's a good kid."

"I'm not a kid," he muttered.

"I mean it, Aaron, I'll try," Katie said with a smile.

He nodded, but he was never Katie's biggest fan. He thought her and Andy were hypocrites who brought the worst out in each other. He had a pretty good view of their relationship over the years, the ups and downs, and he always wondered why they got back together. They always seemed happier apart — he remembered seeing the way Katie used to smile at Robert. And he'd hated it at the time, because of Robert, but he knew she didn't smile at Andy the same way. He shoved the memories away because it didn't matter now, and he wasn't supposed to know about that affair. So, how could he hold it against her? 

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he was relieved because it gave him a reason to leave the pub. He didn't want to keep listening to Mum, and Katie talk about Jack coming round. Maybe he should feel guilty his 'coming out' might hurt his mum's business. But it was hard to care about what Jack Sugden wanted. He pulled out his phone, saw it was Adam, and headed into the back room behind the pub to answer it. 

"Ads?"

"Something bad's happened, Aaron, it's bad…" 

"What...what's happened?" Aaron panicked. 

"It's bad, it's so bad… Vic's a mess."

"Is she alright?"

"It's Jack, he's had a heart attack. Vic…she's blaming herself."

Aaron felt a spike of guilt for his ill thoughts about Jack but shoved it away quickly. "He what? Why does she… what?"

Adam sighed through the phone. "We were fighting with him about you."

Aaron went right back to thinking the worst of Jack Sugden. "About the wedding?"

"Yeah, he was telling us that you would have no part in the wedding, and neither of us were allowed to see ya anymore. We were all shouting, and you know how Jack gets…"

Aaron shuddered because he did, and he'd seen worse than Adam. 

"But mate… he just collapsed mid-argument, it was like his body crumpled in on him Aaron… Jack Sugden, he just fell to the ground like he was nothing. It was dead scary, Aaron."

Aaron paced the room and just waited for Adam to keep talking because he didn't know what to say. 

"Vic can't stop crying, and she's blaming herself for the fight. She just walked off to call Robert — I tried telling her not too, he's a git who doesn't care about anyone but himself." 

Aaron shook his head. 

"Andy is on his way to the hospital, but none of us can reach Katie," Adam said. 

"She's here, I, uh… I'll tell her," Aaron said, feeling dread at the idea. 

"Yeah, yeah, good idea... Oh, the doc's walking up to us, gotta go."

Aaron chewed his lip and felt conflicted. His heart was pounding for Victoria because he knew she loved her father. Jack was always good to her, he doted on her and protected her. He was great with her, and sometimes Aaron watched the two of them and wondered if Jack Sugden was two people. But the man he was with Victoria was the man the village saw. It was the man Diane had married. And Andy idolized. And the man Robert wished loved him. He bit into his lip to push Robert out of his mind again — he needed to focus on the people who were here. He wouldn't let Victoria down, and he would fight to be at her and Adam's wedding. Because it was the three of them, and it always would be. 

They were his family as much as the Dingles. He inhaled sharply and walked into the pub to tell Katie. It'd filled back up with the locals, and the hum of conversation quieted the minute he stepped through the doors. He paid it no mind though and felt his brain scramble as he tried to find the words to deliver the news. 

"Katie?" he said. 

"Yeah?"

"That was Adam… who called me…"

She nodded. 

"I don't… Jack's had a heart attack, you need to go to the hospital." 

"What?" Katie and half the pub shouted. 

"Oh my God," Chas exclaimed, and she grabbed her purse. "I'll drive you, Katie."

Katie nodded dumbfounded.

"Aaron, watch the bar," Chas said and kissed him. 

"Aaron, what happened?" Pearl was his in face.

"Just what I said, he had a heart attack."

"When?"

"Today," he snapped. "I don't know more."

"Oh dear, oh dear," Pearl muttered and wandered back to her table. Slowly, as she repeated what Aaron said to practically every table. Aaron watched grimly as the pub's volume of whispering buzzing conversation got louder and louder. 

At least he wasn't the subject of the conversation any longer.

**

Aaron

His phone was ringing, and he wanted to stay asleep. But Aaron fought with the blankets he'd pulled up over his head during the night. He pushed at them and kicked them despite the fact his limbs felt heavy. He yawned and wanted to just crawl back under the bedding, but there was some reason he couldn't ignore his phone. Not that his sleep-addled brain could remember what that was. Finally he found it and answered with a grumpy, "What?"

"You won't believe my night," Adam mumbled, punctuating it with a yawn.

"Jack…" no wonder he'd forgotten. "He alright?" Aaron asked. 

"He survived the surgery, took all night, we've all been not sleeping on hard plastic chairs... No one would leave." 

"So, it's good news?"

"Doctors said things went smoothly, he hasn't woke up yet... Vic's still a mess, and the only person she'll listen to is Robert -- I'm trying not to take that personally, but mate..."

That woke him up. And his mind flashed back to yesterday, and he was seeing him again. Robert. That jawline, the freckles, his eyes — even the voice. He'd known, he'd known…and Aaron inhaled sharply and felt spun. He'd talked himself out of it, and it'd made sense to at the time, but he should've trusted his eyes. He groaned because Robert was still bloody gorgeous. "Robert…" he whispered his name out loud.

"Yeah…" Adam confirmed, apparently thinking Aaron was checking he heard right. "Guess, he felt guilty for being awful to Vic about the wedding. Drove down yesterday. He was at the house when Vic called him about Jack. He's been here all night." 

Aaron sat back down on his bed. 

"And I get she's not seen him, and her dad's in a bad way... But I wanna help her through this and all. But I just keep putting my foot in it... He's going to be alright, you know, I mean it's Jack Sugden."

Aaron felt a bit guilty as he rolled his eyes, but Adam saw Jack differently than he did. He didn't know what Aaron knew. He never saw the depth of how awful Jack treated Robert. Because of it, he was positive he'd never see Robert again, why he'd refused to believe his own eyes yesterday. Robert coming back felt impossible…yet? "He came back for the wedding?" 

"What he said, I don't know... There is something different about him. But it's been years, so guess there would be right?"

Aaron shrugged. 

"Anyway, I need to get out of here. Meet me at the cafe? Going to go home, shower, then get everyone some real food, you know. Meet there in an hour or so?"

"Yeah..." Aaron said and dropped his phone. 

He sat for a long time trying to get his mind around the idea of Robert back in Emmerdale. It felt impossible. He felt transported back to that space between morning and night when Robert had come to him to say goodbye. He stood up and went to his window, the same one, Robert threw rocks at to get his attention. He looked down at the alley and saw nothing but trash bins and boxes from the pub. But he remembered that night vividly. Robert leaning against his car, trying to look brave — but he hadn't fooled Aaron. 

He also remembered how alone he'd felt the second Robert drove away. He remembered hugging Robert. He blushed at the thought of it, it'd been a tackle more than anything else. He'd gripped him too tight, but Robert had gripped him back. And in the moment, he'd felt like he'd found something important only for it to vanish when Robert pulled away. That was when the loneliness hit, and in time it ebbed away, but Aaron wasn't sure it ever faded completely. 

"Robert?" he whispered and felt ridiculous. Of course, he'd come back, it felt wrong now to think he wouldn't. He loved Victoria. The wedding was soon, and Vic had been begging him to come, for weeks, before her heart broke too hard, and she decided he wasn't worth her time. But Aaron knew it was breaking her heart. And he knew Robert loved her, more than he let on, more than he let people see -- even Victoria. But Aaron knew. 

Vic had been gobsmacked when Robert had gotten in touch with her a few years back, wanting to reconnect -- as long as it wasn't in Emmerdale. Aaron had pretended it surprised him, but it hadn't. The real surprise to Aaron was how long it had taken, but then Robert been a kid with nothing to his name when he drove out of Emmerdale — how had he survived? 

Well, Aaron thought, remembering yesterday. He survived well hadn't he? He was driving an Audi Quattro, his clothes looked expensive, and he looked amazing -- Aaron chewed his lip and wondered if first crushes ever went away? It'd been seven years, and they'd been kids, that was something he'd always known. Because even when he looked up to Robert, it was impossible to ignore he was a sad little boy. It had made Aaron feel less alone. 

Because he'd been a sad little boy, and an angry little boy, with too much trauma from abuse, and confusion about himself all tied up together. It'd taken him years to unknot it. To make sense of who he was opposed to what he'd been through. It had taken him years to believe the words Robert told him one day when he'd had a meltdown in the Sugden's kitchen. That it was okay that he was gay. But he had, and he would always be grateful Robert was there for him.

He wondered what Adam meant about Robert seeming different? He couldn't help his curiosity. Maybe old habits just died hard, and seven years meant nothing. He was cursed to wonder about Robert Sugden. 

Robert probably didn't remember him... Aaron may have made himself deny it, but he'd recognized him. But Robert hadn't blinked at him oddly, there was no double-take. He hadn't recognized him at all. All those memories Aaron had of them -- they meant more to him than to Robert. Robert had been older and in charge of him more often than not. Maybe they'd both been sad little boys inside, but Robert had been too old to look twice at him. 

~~~

"Any word?" Chas asked the minute he walked into the backroom. 

"Just he was in surgery all night," Aaron relayed. "Meeting Ads at the cafe before he heads back over."

"They were all wreck when I left," Chas said. "I just can't imagine it."

"What?"

"This town without Jack Sugden?"

Aaron bristled, and he shook his head. 

"I know his reaction about you wasn't…right, Aaron. But he's a good man."

"He's homophobic, Mum."

"He'll come around," Chas said. "Vic, Diane, and Andy must all be beside themselves."

Aaron shrugged and grabbed a piece of toast off her plate. He wasn't about to give Jack Sugden any benefit of the doubt -- especially knowing Robert was back. It brought up a million old memories. Of himself, of Robert, and he shuddered a bit. 

For a moment, nausea rolled through him, and he barely swallowed the toast in his mouth. He took a few deep breathes and grabbed some water. If the village wanted to think Jack Sugden was a saint, nothing he would do or say would stop it. His only concern was Victoria. He didn't want her wedding ruined. She'd been planning it since they were fourteen years old. Adam didn't even know that, but Aaron did, having been stuck in the position of best friend. He'd put up with wedding ideas since seconds after their first kiss. It'd been a relief when she finally got some girlfriends, but she never did stop talking with him about it. Wanting to talk about her future with someone she trusted and loved. She called him brother a lot and seemed to cling to him even harder after Robert left. It was fine with him, he loved her like a sister. So he would make sure she got through this and got her wedding. 

He would be in it. Jack Sugden be damned. 

~~~

Adam was in the cafe already when Aaron walked in, sipping from a large plastic cup and looking shattered. His hair was a mess, and he was unshaven. It looked more like he'd been awake for weeks rather than one night. Aaron tried to remember the Sugdens were his family, too, as much as the Bartons. Aaron only felt that way about Victoria, but Adam liked the whole lot. He looked up to Jack when they were kids and did more now that he'd lost his own father. Aaron took a deep breath and told himself to be there for him. 

"Hey," Adam said, and seeing him so subdued was eery. 

"You alright?"

"I don't know. It was dead scary, Aaron. Just talked to Vic, he's still unconscious." 

"Major surgery, right?"

"I suppose. Brenda's making the sarnies, and then I'm heading back."

Aaron nodded. 

"I just..." Adam shook his head. "I don't know what to do?"

"About?"

"He nearly died and Vic... I don't think she could handle losing another parent. You know?"

Aaron nodded, but realized he didn't, not really. He'd lost a parent, but it was a gift to him. He would never miss Gordon, and he never even thought of Gordon as a father. He thought of Paddy as a father even through all the years he and his mum weren't together. Lately, they'd been getting closer again, and Aaron couldn't help but hope. He'd like the man he saw as a dad with his mum... It felt right. But, he really didn't know what Adam meant, and he didn't want to imagine losing his Mum or Paddy. 

"It's him, right? Like he'll die," Aaron muttered, playing the village line about Jack Sugden.

Adam nodded. "Yeah, just worried about her. She seems better, though, maybe whatever Robert said to her worked... I just want to fix it for her, you know? But how can I?"

Aaron shrugged.

"We both decided though, we're not backing down about you being in the wedding, mate. She's dead worried, but she is thinking this will soften him up a bit make him realize what really matters. And well, he'll come around, you know. He knows you, for one."

Aaron wondered what that had to do with anything? Jack never liked him, but apparently, no one but him understood that. "I'll be there, even if I have to crash it, mate... No way I'm missing, you become Mr. Victoria Sugden."

"Ha..." Adam barked out a laugh and looked more himself. "Think I should hyphenate? Sugden-Barton or Barton-Sugden?"

Aaron shook his head. 

"Here you go, send my love," Brenda said, dropping off a big bag.

"Ta Brenda," Adam said and stood up. "I better get back."

Aaron chewed on his lip. 

"Meet later at the pub? For a drink? I'm gonna need it."

Aaron nodded.

"Cheers..." Adam said and walked away. 

Aaron slumped in his seat. It was going to be a problem. Him standing up for Adam and Vic for their wedding. Heart attack or not, Jack wasn't going to soften up. And he wasn't going to come around. Aaron knew it, he felt it, it was burned into him from memories of growing up on that farm along with the other Sugdens. He'd fight to be there, he would crash the wedding if he needed too. But he found himself wishing for Victoria's sake that he was wrong about Jack.

**

Robert

Jack Sugden was in a hospital bed. He was sleeping, but he looked far from peaceful. To Robert, it was the face he remembered. Grim and uncompromising. Vic, Diane, and Andy all thought he looked small on the bed, but he didn't look small to him. Robert leaned against the wall, next to the chair, Victoria had fallen asleep in.

She looked small, he thought. She looked like the little girl he'd left behind, only with tear stains on her cheeks and circles under eyes. She looked lost, and he knew he needed to protect her. He'd come to Emmerdale for her, and he wasn't regretting it. That felt good to him, but he couldn't revel in it, because Jack was in a hospital room and hadn't woken up yet -- and his family was in knots over it. And he was wondering what the rush was? Seemed to him, they should let Jack sleep, and it wasn't that he was dreading seeing his father's eyes for the first time in years. It was practical wasn't it? He'd gone through a serious surgery. 

Robert wasn't buying his own lies because he wasn't ready to face Jack. He slid down the wall to the floor and pulled his knees in toward his chest. He tried not to feel like a nineteen-year-old kid again. The kid who had thought all he wanted was to get away from Emmerdale. That all he wanted was to get away from a father who didn't love him. 

Until it happened. 

He told himself the entire drive out of town it was what he wanted. He told himself it was in the cards, there was no way he was staying in Emmerdale and under Jack's thumb forever. But his heart broke when he passed the sign -- its paint was cracking back then, a bit like his heart and he'd turned around. 

He hadn't gotten further than the Woolpack, and that was when he realized why he turned around. It wasn't that he couldn't leave the town behind. It was he couldn't leave without seeing Aaron. 

He couldn't say goodbye to his sister, Jack hadn't allowed it, but he could say goodbye to Aaron. And maybe if he knew someone cared he was leaving, it would make leaving easier. It was irrational logic, and it hadn't worked. Robert remembered how seeing Aaron cry broke him a little inside. But then Aaron had hugged him, so hard and so tight, that he felt some of the cracks Jack beat into him start to fill up. 

And he'd wanted to stay. 

Forcing himself to pull away from Aaron's hug and to leave Emmerdale had been the hardest thing he'd ever done. And he swore he wouldn't look back. Ever. But he had. More often than he wanted to admit. He denied it constantly, but he knew a homesickness was always there inside him. No matter how hard he tried to bury it, it never died. 

He was never very good at burying things. 

Jack groaned, and Robert looked up fear filling him. "Don't..." He mumbled, but Jack's right hand moved, and he was trying to sit up. Robert glanced at Victoria and tried to will her to wake up. But she'd finally drifted off to sleep, and it would take more than hope to wake her. 

"What..." Jack slurred to himself. 

Robert stood up on shaky legs and watched Jack trying to get up and knew he needed to do something. "Don't move," he said and moved to the bed and put a gentle hand on his father's shoulder. "You've had a heart attack."

Jack looked at him and around the room in confusion. 

"Lie back down, alright?" Robert said and picked up the call button to notify the nurses. 

Jack slowly let his head hit the pillow, but his eyes stayed open, and he took in the room. Robert stayed where he was holding his breath, though he wasn't sure if it was for Jack to recognize him or not. He wanted his father to see him, but it felt like too tall of an order. 

"Robert?" Jack said.

He nodded.

"Where's Andy?" Jack asked. 

Robert clenched his jaw.

"I don't...what happened?" Jack's voice broke, and Robert saw fear in his eyes. 

"You had a heart attack," Robert told him again and looked toward the door. Where were the nurses? 

"I sent you away, you can't be here..." Jack mumbled, and his eyes fell closed. 

Fear jolted through him for a split second, until he realized the monitors' rhythms hadn't changed. Jack had fallen back asleep, and Robert stepped away from the bed just as the doors flew open, and nurses came running in. "He woke up for a second."

They nodded, and one of the nurses started to shake him awake. Robert went back to the wall behind Vic's chair and tried to remember how to breathe. He wondered when he stopped. It could have gone worse, and it still could go worse, he realized. Jack wasn't going to remember, he thought as his father reacted with confusion to the nurses. 

"Rob..." Victoria was sitting up in the chair and looking at the nurses, and he saw the panic forming. 

"It's okay, Vic, he's just woken up. He's well out of it, though, don't expect..."

"Dad, Dad..." Vic was at the bed. 

"He's very groggy, it's best to let him sleep," a nurse said. 

But Robert watched Jack's eyes lock onto Victoria. Robert watched Jack smile at her. He told himself it didn't matter and that it wasn't a rejection of him. There were rational reasons that Jack reacted with confusion to him. It wasn't a rejection, not really. But it felt like it to Robert, it felt like the same exact gut punch he'd grown up with... It always felt like Jack cared about everyone but him. 

But that didn't matter. He didn't care. He didn't.

~~~

Robert couldn't eat and was sitting on a hard chair outside his father's room and stared at the bacon sarnie Adam brought in. He was sure it would taste fine, it wasn't that he wasn't hungry. It was that he felt unsettled. Diane and Andy were in the room with Jack. He was awake and alert now, and he hadn't asked one question about Robert. It was hard to guess if it was because he didn't remember seeing him or if he just didn't care? Robert would bet it was the latter. Was Jack avoiding him and all the issues that came with him? He sighed and slouched down in the chair and wished he was anywhere but the hospital. But he felt like he couldn't leave. 

Victoria appeared in front of him then, proving his point. She had a chair in her hands, and she placed it next to his and sat down. She let out a long sigh, and he stared at her, worried because there was no relief in it. 

"Vic?"

"I need your help."

"Anything," he said. 

"I want..." She sighed. "This feels so selfish right now, with him in there..." She shook her head. 

"Vic? Talk to me."

"I want my wedding to be perfect, Rob," she said and wiped tears from under her eyes. 

"Hey, hey, it will be." 

"Not if... I'm so happy you came, I'm so happy you're coming. It wouldn't have a chance to be perfect without you..."

"But?"

"It's Aaron."

Robert sat up straighter, but he felt confused. "What about him?"

"Adam and I... We both wanted him as our best person. We fought about it for days..." Victoria laughed. "Then we realized we were being ridiculous because he could be there both of us. Just him. He's all we want standing up beside us. It's always been the three of us, you know?"

Robert nodded. "I don't see the issue."

"There wasn't... And it wasn't a secret, Aaron's been out forever at this point..."

 _He came out._ Robert was surprised he felt surprised. He knew Aaron, and he never took the easy way. He was stronger than Robert, braver and so, of course, he'd come out. It wasn't a surprise, Robert known Aaron would understand that there was nothing wrong with him. Robert bit his cheek to hold back a smile as he realized he was proud of him.

"You don't look surprised..." Vic was staring at him.

"What? About Aaron? I mean, yeah a bit, what does it matter?" he lied, keeping their secrets.

Vic gave him an odd look, but it was gone in a second, and she kept on explaining. "Like I was saying... Aaron's been out a while, but he's Aaron, and he's private, and he likes to keep his boyfriends away from Chas. Anyway, the village, which means Dad, really… They didn't know until a few days ago when he announced it to these thugs bugging a friend of ours. He was a right hero, jumping in and knocking one to the ground for Finn.

 _Sounds like him._ Robert bit his cheek again, so he wouldn't smile. Aaron was still Aaron, that was clear. Kind, brave, honest. All of that been true when they were kids, and it held true now. Years later. He whispered, "A real hero," before he could catch himself.

"Don't mock it," Vic said.

"I wasn't..." He shook his head. 

"Yeah, well, Dad blew up about it all…" Vic sighed.

And Robert felt everything inside of him sink. 

"He wants Diane to sell out of the pub, he tried to forbid me and Adam having Aaron in the wedding, or seeing him at all... It was awful, Rob and we were fighting about it when he, when he..." Vic started to sob.

"Shh," he grabbed her into a hug, and even though the angle was awkward, he hugged her as hard as he could. "Shhh, it's alright. Jack's good, right? Alert?"

"Yeah, now..." She wiped her face on his shoulder.

"This shirt is expensive, Vic," he tried to lighten the moment.

"Shouldn't have worn it then," she smiled into his shoulder and took a breath. Then she looked up. "So, will you help?"

"With?" he asked. 

"Getting Dad to see sense, getting him to stop being so..so... He needs to come around sooner rather than later because the wedding is in two weeks. We're not postponing it, and Aaron's our best person."

"Vic..." Robert shook his head. 

"Please?"

_Thwack_

Robert used all his will not to flinch as the memory of the leathering crashed into him. He fought it away by focusing on Vic's eyes, but her hope he could help her was crushing. He sighed because he knew it was a lost cause, and she would never understand why. "I can't."

"But..."

"Vic, he hates me. He'll never listen to me."

"He doesn't hate ya, he's missed you, Rob... We all have."

"Has he asked for me?" Robert snapped.

"He probably doesn't remember he saw you, Rob... Come on, come in with me." Vic stood up and tried pulling on his arm.

"No, no...I can't..." Robert sighed and looked away. His heart was pounding, and he hated that a piece of him was still terrified of his father, and still heartbroken at the chasm between them. He shouldn't care, and he hated that it wasn't as far behind him as he hoped. He'd fooled himself into believing he'd moved forward. 

It made stand up and pull Vic into another hug. A real one this time and he put his face on the top of her head and inhaled her hair. It was both comforting and unsettling because she smelled like their mum, or he hoped she did… maybe it was wishful thinking. He wouldn't leave Emmerdale, not until after her wedding. He would do all he could to make her wedding as perfect as possible. But his heart ached because he knew her wish to have both her father and Aaron there was impossible. 

One or the other wouldn't be there.

Robert knew who he chose.

**

Robert

"Get away from me, girl," Jack's harsh shout carried through the door.

"Mr. Sugden, please…" the nurse's pleaded.

"Don't touch me," Jack's voice was a shout. 

"Please, Mr. Sugden…"

Robert wanted to ignore the argument. It was more of the same, Jack was being a right shit about the nurses and the doctors. Diane walked out, looking stressed, about twenty minutes ago, and claimed she needed air. Robert thought she needed a better husband, but he kept his mouth shut. Andy and Katie had gone with her, but Robert's guess was Andy was on Jack's side. Vic and Adam gone off to be alone, Robert assumed they were having more discussions about the wedding. 

That left him. 

"I will not listen to some child…" Jack's voice was harsher. 

There was no more choice. He was out of excuses to avoid him. It felt like Jack was forcing his hand, and maybe it was absurd, but he felt like Jack always won. Or, he was being petulant and living in a fantasy world because a part of him just wanted his father to ask about him.

He barged into the room and stopped short right past the door. The nurse looked at him with a hopeful face, but he ignored her. Instead, he snapped, "She's trying to do her job, let her." 

Jack's eyes shifted from the nurse to him, and the scowl on his face deepened. Neither his expression nor his eyes showed any shock at seeing Robert. And he knew it, despite Diane and Vic's assurances that Jack had been too out of it to remember seeing him. It was wishful thinking, and it'd been foolish to hope. Jack remembered seeing him. 

"I need to take his blood," the nurse explained. 

"Let her," Robert repeated.

Jack kept his scowl in place and his eyes on Robert. Robert met his gaze. He let his eyes lock with Jack's stony expression. He wasn't going to show an ounce of fear. 

"LEAVE," Jack shouted. 

Robert flinched and wobbled where he stood. In that split second, it was seven years ago, and he was being denied entrance to his home. Jack was shouting at him for seducing Katie and using her in one of his sick and twisted games. Jack was in his face and condemning him for being a disappointment and sneering that he was wrong in the head. Then with the same breath, Jack ordered him to leave Emmerdale. And told him to never come back. He wasn't wanted. He wasn't loved. He was nothing. 

Robert had left, but the truth was he was always looking back. 

"I need to take your blood," the nurse repeated her voice small, but Robert was impressed by her ability to stand there in the face of Jack Sugden. He bit the inside of his cheek to try to fend off the tears pricking his eyes. He needed to keep looking right at Jack. Keep him from knowing how easy it was to transport him back to one of the worse moments in his life. He took a breath and dared Jack with his eyes to admit he meant for him to leave and not the nurse. 

As they stood there, it dawned on Robert this was the first time since Jack leathered him they'd made eye connect. There was enough guilt in Jack that he would keep his eyes down, and Robert always avoided his face because he couldn't stand the constant disappointment. Twelve years since their eyes met. That was a long time, but here they were now, and the silence was telling. 

"Give me a minute to calm him down," Robert lied to the nurse.

"Ten minutes," she said, and she hurried out of the room. 

"You need to let the nurses and doctors do their jobs." 

"I'm fine," Jack spoke through gritted teeth.

"You've just had heart surgery." 

"And you're here…" Jack nodded his head a bit. 

"You think I'm here for you…" Robert laughed. "I didn't come back for you. This is just a coincidence, Jack. I drove up here to apologize to Vic, and to tell her I'd love to be at her wedding."

"You've kept in touch with her?" Jack's mouth thinned.

Robert managed not to flinch, but he knew that expression. Jack thin mouthed and grim-faced. It was him holding a leather belt in his hand. It was him telling Robert he couldn't say goodbye to his sister because _This is no longer your home, boy._

"You threw me out, I don't bow to your orders anymore, Jack."

Jack's mouth turned thinner. 

Robert scoffed. 

Jack's eyes ducked, and he grimaced, shifting where he was up a bit on his arms, and Robert assumed he'd been trying to get out of the bed. He winced in pain, and Robert sighed. "Lie back down, will ya…"

Jack continued to glare at him, but let his head hit the pillow with a pained expression.

"Let the nurses and doctors do their job…" Robert muttered. 

Jack's face shifted to something that Robert could only consider expressionless, but he continued to stare at him, and it made him shove his hands in his jeans pockets. What he really wanted to do was cross his arms over his chest. But it would look too defensive, and he wasn't going to show any vulnerability if he could help it. So they stared at each other, and Robert started to notice all deep lines and wrinkles on Jack's face. For the first time he saw how much his father had aged. 

Jack looked away first, but it didn't feel triumphant, but Robert knew it wouldn't because there was never anything good between the two of them. Jack sighed and looked back at him, his expression different, but Robert still found it unreadable — he really only knew the angry side of his father, didn't he? 

"Son…"

"Don't." The tears stinging his eyes threatened to spill over. 

"Robert…" Jack tried again. 

Robert clenched his jaw and looked away. 

Jack let out a frustrated breath. 

And the nurse walked back in with a wary expression on her face. "I really need to take…"

"Let her do her job," Robert repeated.

Jack nodded. 

Which was a surprise, but Robert decided not to question it. He needed to get out of the room. It felt too closed in, and he couldn't look at Jack anymore because the word son was echoing in his head. And he hated it because it was a lie and it always been a lie. Jack didn't mean it, it was just a way for him to try to manipulate Robert into thinking the guilt Jack might feel at how he treated him meant anything at all. But it wasn't really guilt, it wasn't the guilt that made you try to change. It was all a lie, and he felt… offended Jack used it that he would dare use that word. 

He wasn't Jack's son. 

He was Sarah's son. 

She was the only parent that mattered. 

Always. 

Always Sarah's and never Jack's. 

"Rob?" Victoria appeared the minute he was out of the door. But he kept walking, he had to put more distance between them. There wasn't a distance far enough, he thought and decided to stop at a vending machine. 

"Robert?" Vic called his name again and stood next to him in front of the machine. 

"Vic…" he shook his head. 

"Whatever happened, I know he was glad to see ya, really…" she said.

He laughed. It was hard and bitter and painful. 

"Rob…" Vic sighed.

"He wasn't Vic," he said. 

"I don't believe that."

"It's true, Vic." He hated that his voice broke. 

She grabbed his arm in a tight hold and leaned against him. "I am."

"What?"

"Happy you're here. I'm really really happy, your home Robert," she said, and she smiled. Wide and bright, and he could get lost in that, he thought. It felt good to have his sister near him again. He missed her. He missed her every second of every day… He got so used to missing her he could pretend he didn't. But it was a lie, and her smile was a bit infectious. It reminded him why he was in Emmerdale. It made him match her smile -- with his mouth anyway, and he nodded at her and made a decision. 

"I'm gonna go get a room at the Bed & Breakfast. I need a shower and some food, maybe a nap." 

"No, no, stay at the house… your old room has a bed."

He shuddered at the thought of that room. "No, Vic. It's better, I don't."

She sighed. 

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it, but he couldn't stay in that room.

"Me too."

He kissed her on the forehead. "Meet me later?"

Her eyes lit up. "The Woolpack? I have a shift later… I wouldn't go, but we need the money for the wedding."

"Yeah, Woolpack. Around seven?"

She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. "It's a date, big brother."

He shook his head, but he was really smiling when he walked away.

**

Aaron

Aaron did a double-take when he saw Vic in her uniform sitting outside the Woolpack. He was pretty sure neither his mum or Marlon expected her to be working. She looked like she'd been crying, and it instantly made him feel uncomfortable. He hated it when people cried because it was like he could feel their pain, and his head was full of enough stuff on its own. But Vic was someone who mattered to him, and if she was crying, he was willing to let himself get a bit teary-eyed. He never knew what to do or say in these situations, but at least Vic knew that about him.

So, he sat down next to her but kept quiet because there was no need to ask her if she was alright. Of course, she wasn't alright, her father was in the hospital, and her wedding was possibly in chaos because… Well, because of him. He frowned, and for the first time, he felt guilty about what happened.

"Robert's home," she said, wiping at her cheeks.

"Adam mentioned it."

"He looks good, real good." 

Aaron bit back his agreement. 

"He and Dad…" she shook her head, and her voice broke.

He cringed, remembering the fights they used to witness as kids, both Jack and Robert shouting and neither willing to back down. "Did they fight?"

"No…a nurse even told me to thank Robert for getting Dad to listen to her," Vic laughed. "They didn't fight…but Robert couldn't get out of the hospital fast enough when he left the room." 

"Where'd he go?" he winced at how fast he asked it. 

"B & B… wish he'd stay at the house."

 _He won’t_ , Aaron thought. 

"He's meeting me here later."

"Yeah…" he definitely said that too fast. 

"Just him and Dad…"

"It'll be okay," he said, but he knew it sounded empty.

Vic looked at him, and he averted his eyes. 

"Do you…" Vic started but trailed off.

"What?" he asked.

"Do you know why, Dad did it, why he threw Rob out? And don't say because of Katie..and yeah I know about that…and I know you know too…"

Aaron shook his head. 

"Well?" She gave him a look. 

"What?"

"Why did Dad throw him out?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Aaron asked, hoping it would be enough, and he wouldn't have to lie to her. 

"You know Rob, he lied to me today. He acted like he didn't know you were gay…but I saw his face when I said it, he nodded. He knew." 

"He probably just figured it out…" Aaron muttered.

"You two, though…"

"Us what…" Aaron felt his cheeks heat. 

"You had that raging crush on him…" Vic laughed. 

"It wasn't raging…" Aaron looked away, embarrassed.

"He was always nice to you, you know… Robert's never nice."

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"Please…" she made him look her in the eye. "Please, do you have any idea, Aaron?"

He couldn't look at her and lie, so he ended up sighing.

"You do, don't ya?"

But he couldn't tell her the truth. "Vic, I can't tell you any more than you already know. The fight was about Katie, it was… Why are you asking?" 

"Well, I figured it out about Katie… but I think there is more too it. It was the last straw, wasn't it? But maybe, maybe if I know more, maybe I can fix it, and maybe…maybe Robert could stay home longer." 

"Vic…don't..." He started not wanting her to wish for impossible things. 

"I'll get my hopes up if I want too," she cut him off. "I'm getting married, and my brother is at home. The doctors seem pretty optimistic that Dad's out of the woods if we can get him to listen to them…I think things are looking up."

Her capacity for hope was stunning, and Aaron didn't know what to do with it. "Vic…"

"Aaron look, I know Adam told you about the fight. But Dad, he's gonna come around on ya, I know he is. He knows you, I mean you're family. It'll work out, you'll see. There is no way I'm getting married without you by my side. I want the day to be perfect."

"Want that for ya too." 

"It will be…oh, I'm late for my shift…thanks for the cheer up," she hugged him quickly and disappeared inside. 

He stared at her vacated spot and thought she perked herself up. But she was setting herself up for a hard fall. Jack wasn't going to come around about him — it didn't matter how well they knew each other. It wouldn't matter Victoria saw him as family. Jack didn't, and he never had. Sometimes he'd catch Jack staring at him when he was at the Sugdens, and he knew the look he saw in his eyes. 

It was the same look Robert got whenever he stepped outside of a line Jack didn't approve of, which was just breathing some days. Aaron knew Jack knew about him. Probably since he was fifteen or sooner. Jack knew he was gay, but it wasn't confirmed, so he'd pretended it wasn't true. It was the only reason he put up with Aaron as Victoria's best friend. Because he could lie to himself that Aaron wasn't gay, and say he was just a bit too Dingle instead. Now that it was public knowledge. Jack wouldn't pretend anymore. He was too homophobic to lie when faced with the truth. Aaron knew it ran deep in him, so deep he'd destroyed any hope of a relationship with his son.

 _Robert_. 

Aaron looked over at the Bed and Breakfast and felt an itch under his skin to go over there. He could find out what room he was in and knock… But then what? Robert wouldn't recognize him, it'd be yesterday all over again where Aaron saw him, but he wouldn't see him. It hurt a bit, but he had no right to feel that way… his teenaged crush didn't entitle him to anything.

 _Raging crush_ , Victoria's tease echoed in his head. He rolled his eyes. It wasn't the first time he'd been teased by Vic or Adam about having a crush on Robert. The truth was they teased him for over a year before Aaron realized they were right. 

It'd taken Robert leaving for him to see how deep and jumbled his feelings for him were. Aaron blamed the hug because when Robert's arms had wrapped around him, everything else in the world seemed to fade away. Only to crash back ten times worse when Robert let him go and drove away. He'd ended up feeling empty in ways he couldn't express, especially at fifteen. He'd cried and felt crushingly alone for weeks because he wanted that wholeness back. Because it was beautiful, and it'd soothed the chaos that was causing havoc in his mind. The feeling only lasted a minute, or less but it'd rocked him to his core

But now he was nearly convinced he'd imagined the serenity. It felt likely it'd been a byproduct of his crush. After that hug, it'd been impossible to stay in denial about his feelings for Robert. Because for months afterward, Aaron had felt on his own. Because as close as he was with Adam and Vic, he'd felt like only Robert understood him. Aaron felt like there was no one around anymore who knew how to talk with him without making him want to punch their nose. 

Robert never treated him as a traumatized little boy, who had panic attacks and fits of temper. Robert never pitied him or looked down on him for crying. He never treated him differently for falling apart — it was like he understood the turmoil and anxiety that roared in Aaron's head. 

He glanced toward the Bed & Breakfast and pushed down the urge to find him. Too much was rushing back to him, and he couldn't bear the thought of looking right at Robert Sugden and having to introduce himself to someone who mattered to him, who he'd felt connected too. No, it would be best to let Vic do the introductions.

~~~

The minute he stepped into the pub, Aaron sought out Robert, and he found him within seconds. It was almost like his gaze was pulled right toward him like a magnet. It dazed him, and he shook his head, but he couldn't tear his eyes off of him. He was sitting at a corner table with a hand wrapped around a pint with an unfriendly expression marring his features. It was familiar to Aaron, and he was transported back to his childhood, when after an altercation with Jack, Robert would fall into sullen silence. Aaron chewed his lip and forced back the instinct to walk over there, no, the plan was to let Victoria do the reintroductions. 

He just couldn't stand to see Robert looking at him again as if he was a stranger.

"Aaron, mate, over here," Adam's voice boomed over the crowd. 

As he walked toward him, Pete and Finn, Aaron realized he was walking through a crowd of women, and rolled his eyes as he realized Charity was running another's Lady's Night. Last time he'd been forced to chat with way too many women for his taste. 

"Ready to fend off the ladies," Adam laughed, reading his expression, as he sat down on a stool by the bar. 

"I'm just gonna tell them I'm gay," Aaron muttered because now that it was public knowledge, there was no need to protect his privacy -- though, it grated. Not because he was ashamed of his sexuality, far from it, but his instinct was to protect his private life -- he never liked sharing his feelings, maybe it was part of why all his relationships failed. 

"Don't know, Aaron might make someone's day with that... The blonde guy in the corner hasn't taken his eyes off of you," Pete Barton said, breaking into his thoughts. 

Aaron turned and saw Robert drinking his pint. 

"What him? No, that's Vic's brother Robert, he's a right ladies man... Probably just recognizes Aaron."

"Not the impression I'm getting," Pete said and nudged Finn. 

"Yeah, he looks pretty interested."

Aaron chewed on his lip and glanced over at Robert, trying to keep his head down, so Robert wouldn't spot him. He caught Robert glancing his way with a strange expression on his face before his eyes darted around the rest of the pub. 

"Nah, nah," Adam laughed. "Robert's a right womanizer, right mate..." He hit Aaron's shoulder.

"Huh? Yeah..." He mumbled because it was a lie. He turned away from Robert and tried to figure out what the glances really meant? Was Robert actually recognizing him? It made something flutter in his chest, but he wasn't going to get his hopes up. He leaned forward on the bar and waved Charity down for a pint and told himself to focus on his mates. 

But the second he had the pint in his hand, he was looking back at Robert's table just in time to see Robert glancing away from him, and hope made his insides dip. Aaron frowned though, and wondered if Robert did recognize him why wasn't he walking over? He shook his head and told himself not to read into anything. 

He tried to focus on what Adam, Pete, and Finn were discussing, but it was no use. He kept carefully glancing over toward Robert, not wanting to get caught looking because he was afraid of what might happen if their eyes locked. He flashed to yesterday and how Robert drove away without a backward glance, and inwardly groaned that their past meant more to him than Robert. 

Of course, it did, he thought, he'd probably been a nuisance to Robert, only thought of as Victoria's friend. Just because Aaron knew a few secrets didn't mean they held any kind of connection. Aaron chewed his lip and tried to tune into the conversation around him. He somehow managed to nod and say enough, so none of them noticed his distraction.

And he was distracted because he couldn't keep his eyes away from Robert and he kept thanking his lucky stars they managed to keep missing each other -- but that meant Robert was looking at him, and it was hard not to question what that meant? He felt unsettled and tried again to look away and keep away. But he turned back and found himself looking straight into Robert's eyes. 

They were green-blue, and he fell back in time. He remembered how he'd surfaced from a panic attack staring straight into those eyes. He could remember every fleck of color in them and how he'd been unable to place whose eyes they were, but he'd known they meant safety. 

His brain buzzed with a million thoughts, as he stared into Robert's eyes and remembered safety washing over him. Then he saw something flicker in Robert's expression, and somehow he knew...he knew. It was an acknowledgment, but it faded away to confusion a moment later. It made Aaron look away because he felt dizzy at being seen and unseen in the same second.

Then it hit him, Robert couldn't place him, and he nearly laughed because, of course. Aaron shook his head at himself and remembered that he'd been a skinny kid with a nearly shaved head and acne all over his face the last time they'd been together. Now he was a bit taller, unshaven face with hair on his head. Aaron was nothing like that fifteen-year-old kid anymore -- at least not on the outside.

The realization filled him with confidence, and he felt it again...a knowing, he knew now, Robert recognized him. But he was confused as to how, and all Aaron needed to do was introduce himself. But the thought was daunting, it was terrifying for reasons Aaron couldn't place, so he turned back to his beer and told himself to stay. But the intense urge to walk over to him was making him jumpy, and his legs kept twitching -- like they needed to move, like they needed to go to Robert. There was no denying it he decided and stood up. 

"Yeah, gonna go say, hi..." He mumbled at Adam and cocked his head toward Robert.

Adam shrugged like it was nothing, and that irritated Aaron, because it wasn't nothing, it wasn't nothing at all. This was Robert. And the minute Aaron turned, he was in his line of sight. He was licking beer from his lips, and Aaron felt hit with attraction. It was then Aaron understood that childhood crushes never went away, no they stayed with you and carried forward. It almost made him step backward instead of forward. There was something buzzing inside of him that told him once he sat down across from Robert, there was no going back...

From what he didn't know, but it felt scary in a way he didn't understand. But it also felt like something he couldn't deny... He was meant to go over there, they were meant to reunite. 

Aaron took another deep breath and started walking toward Robert's table. Robert looked up, and Aaron felt his eyes on him, and it was intense, new, but also familiar. It was Robert. Somehow that boosted his confidence, and suddenly, he was sitting down. He grabbed one of Robert's uneaten chips because he needed something to do with his nervous energy.

"Took me a bit to figure it out," he said.

**

Robert

Vic was busy with work when he got to the pub because it was singles night, which seemed more like Ladies' Night to Robert because everywhere he looked, there were women and only a handful of men. Robert hid himself in a corner and scowled at everyone that looked his way. The last thing he needed now was bad pick up lines and stupid innuendo. He didn't have the energy for it, and he felt like he was barely standing. He was dead tired, but he couldn't sleep, he'd tried at the B & B after he'd eaten some food and showered. But it wouldn't come, all he could do was go over and over what happened in Jack's hospital room.

It wasn't a conversation. He couldn't call it that, but it'd been intense and had left him feeling awful. _Son._ It kept echoing in his head, and he felt the lie of it, and he felt awe that his father had the nerve and confidence to speak it. To him. After everything, after the years of being put last after Andy and Vic. After… that leathering. That had been the last time he heard the word tied up in words masquerading as an apology. Seven years had passed, and it was the same lies and secrets. 

Robert clenched his jaw and watched Vic deliver food to a nearby table. She grinned at him, so he smiled back. He reminded himself he was here for her and not Jack. It was a couple of weeks out of his life, he'd keep up a pretense. But he felt that sting in his eyes again and picked up his pint in hopes the beer could help fight back the tears. He managed to win the battle in the room with Jack. In his room at the B & B and in the shower. It was impossible to deny that it hurt, but he wasn't going to let Jack win. He couldn't. 

"Here you go," Vic said, appearing in front of him. She placed a plate of fish and chips in front of him.

"Thought, I ordered the burger."

"Sorry, gave the last one to Adam."

"Why does he get special treatment, and I don't?"

Vic rolled her eyes. "He doesn't like fish, and you do.… I'm sorry, but I gotta…"

"I know, I know, make appetizers for the crowd."

She nodded and turned around. 

He picked up a chip, not because he was hungry, but because he needed to stop thinking. He looked up at the buzzing crowd of people in the pub, hoping for something interesting to watch or listen in on. But nothing stood out, except he caught the eye of a woman. She smiled at him, and he immediately scowled at her — he wasn't looking for that much of a distraction. And she wasn't his type anyway. Robert sighed and dug a bit more into his plate of food, but he just wasn't hungry, but maybe if he ate it, it would help him sleep. And that would mean he could forget about Jack for about eight hours. 

His ears picked out Adam's voice through the crowd, and despite it being unintelligible, it made him look up and seek out his sister's fiancé — he supposed she could do worse? He spotted him by the bar with some men around his own age, and he looked like he was waving someone over to join them. His stomach sank, and he hoped it wasn't Andy or Katie because it was best if the three of them to keep ignoring each other. He swung his eyes over to check and lost his breath. 

It wasn't Andy and Katie. It was him. The man he'd nearly run over. The one with the bright blue eyes and gorgeous face. His heart thumped in his chest, and he tried to look away. But he couldn't do it. He watched him join Adam and his friends, sitting at the bar at the perfect angle for Robert to watch him. Which felt a bit like a curse because he felt the itch to get up and introduce himself. He was bloody gorgeous, and Robert wasn't sure he'd ever been so attracted to anyone in his life. And he would under any other circumstances get up and introduce himself. But he was in Emmerdale, and he thought about his father's hard stare, and he knew he had to pretend to be what Jack wanted...

For Victoria. 

He looked away and tried to eat more of his chips. But he kept looking up to watch Blue-Eyes. He drank his pint between glances and waved over Charity Dingle for another. He told himself over and over to stop looking, but he couldn't stop himself, and when he found himself staring at him, he wished the attraction would fade. 

In an attempt to not look at Blue-Eyes, he swung his eyes around the room again and spotted Chas Dingle behind the bar. It made him glance over at Adam for a second and back to Chas. Where was Aaron? Shouldn't he be with Adam and his friends? 

Aaron was one of the two people in Emmerdale he missed. It was odd maybe, but he thought of them as mates, despite the fact Aaron had been a kid. Maybe it was all the secrets Aaron kept, and the few Robert knew about him — well, Aaron's biggest secret was out. He felt a rush of pride again, but he shook his head as a bit of envy stabbed his heart. 

Aaron was braver than him. 

He should get up and talk to Blue-Eyes. Be strong and tell Vic he was bisexual. But he wouldn't do it, or couldn't do it. He felt torn apart inside, and he felt a hard stab of hate at Jack for getting too deep inside of him. He clenched his jaw and decided to finish his pint, then find Victoria and tell her he was tired and going to bed.

It felt out of his control, but he ended up glancing over at Blue-Eyes again. It was like he needed to look at him, and he saw him laughing. And Robert wanted to hear what it sounded like…would he know it too? He groaned a little and slouched down into his seat. He wanted Blue-Eyes. Robert wanted him enough to want to shut out Jack's voice. But he couldn't, not completely. 

He tore his eyes away from him again and ended up looking at Chas, and it occurred to him he should go ask about Aaron. Use that to stop himself from pining over Blue-Eyes. But he cursed himself because the second he thought of him, his gaze immediately drifted back to him. And that pull he felt toward him had he almost standing up…but he tempered it down and told himself to just look. 

And a few seconds later, Robert found himself looking straight into those bright blue eyes. Their gazes locked, and Robert felt it, he viscerally felt them looking at each other. He felt known. He felt like he knew those eyes as well as he knew his own. It felt like… _home._ The same strange thought as yesterday. Eyes didn't feel like anything. Stares were just stares. And Blue-Eyes had looked away nearly the same second their eyes locked. Robert told himself he couldn't have felt all of that during a one-second glance — well two if he counted yesterday. He shook his head and went back to his pint, but he glanced up again… He stared at his profile, a sense of familiarity buzzing around in his mind again. Did he know him? But that was impossible, he would remember knowing a man that gorgeous. 

Next time he looked over, Blue-eyes was moving, and Robert couldn't stop himself from tracking him, only to realize he was walking straight at him? Shit, shit, shit… Robert put his pint down and took a deep breath. There was no way he was coming over to chat him up, this was the Woolpack, the local village pub and not a gay bar. It was fine, it was fine, no one would even consider queer intentions here, at worst the guy didn't like being stared at — which was fair enough. 

Robert could apologize for that…he could pretend to feel bad about it. He braced for a confrontation. But the man just sat down across from him, reached over and picked up one of his cold chips and ate it. Robert furrowed his brow, confused by the action, and watched him steal another chip. Which led to his eyes going to the man's mouth, and he was pulled into taking in the man's face again and those his eyes… those bright familiar eyes.

How was he so familiar? 

"Took me a bit to figure it out," he said, his voice deeper than Robert expected, and it was perfect. _Wait what had he said?_

"What?"

"You haven't placed me… yet." He stole another chip.

"Come again…" Robert narrowed his eyes… Did he know him? How would he forget him?

"And I used to think you were so clever," he laughed.

The laugh slotted everything into place. He did know his laugh, he remembered the sound of it, and of course he knew those eyes — he'd stared into them more than once while they held silent conversations that were of him asking for promises he never deserved. 

Robert felt his whole world tip sideways. "Aaron?"

"Yeah, it's me."

**

Robert

"Aaron?"

"Yeah, it's me."

Robert felt boneless and floaty. He gripped the edge of his seat with his free hand, half afraid he might fly off of it, and thought he really should stop staring. But his eyes refused to shut or move away. All he could do was stare at Aaron. _Aaron._ Aaron Dingle. Aaron was the gorgeous blue-eyed temptation that managed to distract him from Jack. Maybe he was floating in the air because he felt oddly disconnected — _you're having an out of body experience_. 

"Aaron?" he sputtered out, attempting to accept the reality.

Aaron took another chip from Robert's plate. "Took you long enough."

"It's just that..." It was Aaron. His attraction was no longer blinding him to it, he saw it now, and it was all in the eyes — and he should have recognized the shade of them. He stared into those eyes like they were a lifeline how many times? Begging and pleading and always getting affirmations and kindness. Knowing who the man was only made his attraction stronger, and that was tipping him sideways again. He took a deep breath, amazed he managed to remember how but ended up sputtering. "You, you're Aaron."

"We've established that, mate."

 _Don’t call me that._ It was in his head so fast it spun him to the ground. He felt himself land in the chair as if he had been floating, and he took another deep breath. It was a loud thought, it felt intrusive and felt true, and it was all entwined with his brain finally seeing Aaron in Blue-Eyes's eyes, and he knew, he just knew nothing else could ever throw him as off-balance as much as realizing he wanted Aaron Dingle. It didn't matter that he'd finally felt reconnected to his body, his entire world had been upended. Robert felt his cheeks heat up, and he felt awkward, and like he didn't know what to do with his body. Somehow he managed to pull his beer up to his mouth, mostly just for something to do as he attempted to remember the English language. 

"So, uh …you're back." Aaron looked down and grabbed another chip, and Robert relaxed, realizing they were both nervous. 

"Yeah... it's been a long time."

Aaron nodded. 

Robert drank more of his beer and reminded himself he was a charmer, but did he want to charm Aaron Dingle? He wondered if Aaron was feeling anything close to the myriad emotions roaring inside of him. 

"Vic…" Aaron's voice seemed loud. "She… Vic's thrilled you're here." Aaron winced. "Considering…"

"You don't have to do that," Robert snorted.

Aaron looked at him. 

"Pretend you care about Jack." 

Aaron shook his head, but he was looking at Robert with soft eyes that contradicted the small scowl on his face. It was an expression he remembered, and he'd missed it — he'd missed him. It slammed into him, and Robert knew he was staring but was it impossible to look away. 

"You don't have to pretend you don't care…" Aaron said, his voice soft. 

And of course, he understood about Jack, and Robert slumped a bit in his chair, and his eyes fell to his hand and how he was twisting his pint glass in a circle on the table. He took a deep breath. "I shouldn't care…"

"No, you shouldn't...but I get it." 

Their eyes locked, and it was as if no time had passed. It was the same as it had always been on the farm, all those years ago, when Robert could find Aaron's eyes and know deep in his bones that he could trust him. He felt it now, too, and he remembered that Aaron knew his darkest secrets. He also knew Aaron had kept his promise to keep them. Robert stared into his blue-blue eyes and felt something soft settle in his chest — it felt like… 

_Home._

And he felt titled sideways, again and wondered if he'd ever feel right side up — did he even want to feel right side up? He doubted it because if Aaron kept looking at him like he was now...like he was something special. It was something he could get used to, and it made him lose his breath for a second. Then he felt disappointment when Aaron's eyes darted away. Robert frowned and wondered if he'd imagined it all until he noticed Aaron's cheeks were tinged pink, and he was diving back into the cold chips. It reminded Robert they were both nervous, it felt telling, and it calmed him.

"I should have Vic bring you a warm plate," Robert offered

"Nervous..." Aaron admitted and dropped the chip. 

"Me too."

Those blue-eyes lifted back up and their gazes locked, but this time the chatter and noise of the pub faded away into nothing. There was only them, and Robert felt stupid for not placing Aaron quicker because everything about him was true and good and familiar. He was staring into a sharp mind, a kind heart and a brave soul — and he knew, he knew Aaron saw him too…

And that was a dangerous thought, given the want and lust and something else that was making his heart pound. He felt nostalgia, and the memories of Aaron's trust and empathy were vivid and almost pure… But they also broke his heart a bit as they all came crashing back... 

Because most of them were some of the worst moments of his life. 

"Robert…" Aaron breathed, and his hand reached forward and touched Robert's wrist. 

The touch sparked something, and Robert stared at Aaron's fingers as they brushed against his skin, and he pushed the glass he was holding away, moving his hand and tangled their fingertips. 

"Robert..." 

His eyes closed at the sound of his name in Aaron's throat, but it helped him focus, and he knew he could do this. They could talk about anything. Maybe he should feel vulnerable being so laid bare to someone. After all, half his personality was about controlling what people did and not see about him. But Aaron already knew the worst of him, and it made him feel safe. 

He opened his eyes, and the way Aaron was looking at him stole his breath, and he lost whatever it was he was going to say. 

"It's okay," Aaron said. 

He nodded. "I know."

They laughed, and Robert hoped he was right about them being on the same page. 

"Great, you two are catching up." 

Their hands parted, and Robert felt on edge, and guilty that he wanted Vic to go away. "Uh, yeah..." 

"I thought, I'd...say hey..." Aaron said with a slight wince. 

"I'm chuffed," she grinned, and Robert realized she was oblivious about her intrusion, and of course, she was because she didn't know about him, and his heart sank because she never would… 

She put two pints down on the table. "On the house."

"Why?" Robert asked warily, noticing the cheeky way she was looking at both of them. 

"I can't do something nice for the return of my wayward brother?"

"No.," he said, not liking the glint in her eye. 

"You and Aaron should catch up... Not like you weren't friends or whatever..." She looked at Aaron. "Could maybe learn a thing or two, you know about what you've been up too."

"Vic, you're being weird," Robert said. 

"You would know," she grinned and turned around. 

He ended up watching her until she disappeared into the kitchen with a furrowed brow, and his suspicions aroused, though he wasn't quite sure what it was he needed to worry about. But one look at Aaron told him he was about to find out because he looked upset. His whole face had fallen, and he was chewing his lower lip in that same nervous habit Robert remembered.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"She's got something in her head..." Aaron sighed. 

"What?"

"About why Jack threw you out…

"What? She doesn't know about me…?" He felt panicked and sweaty. 

"Huh?" Aaron's eyes widened, and his hand was back on the table, their fingertips touching. And it shouldn't comfort him, but it did, and Aaron's words were secondary. "No, no, not that..." Aaron's voice was firm, but he frowned at Robert. 

Robert nodded.

Aaron inhaled sharply. "But, she's figured out Jack didn't just send you away because of the affair with Katie."

"So…I mean, it was for a lot of reasons."

"She also cottoned on to the fact you knew I was gay."

"I tried to play that off..." Robert shrugged.

"She's known forever, it's not like it's a secret…" Aaron laughed. "She thinks you figured it out because..." Aaron cut himself off, and his ears went red. "Anyway...she thinks because you knew that I might know more than I've said about you and Jack. All that was her hinting. I should try to find out."

He frowned and looked toward the kitchen. It was worrying and possibly a problem that he might need to head off somehow. He furrowed his brow, though, and looked back at Aaron. "Why?"

"It's the wedding innit?" 

It wasn't a surprise, but he was still unclear. "But I'm here. It's why I came back, Aaron."

"But… she wants her family, together, Robert. Really together. She wants you to move back home."

"Emmerdale isn't home," Robert said. 

Aaron's face fell a bit, then he shrugged. "She wants you, Jack and me, all there and getting along."

He slumped back into his seat. "She asked me to get Jack to come around on you… she thinks he will anyway. I told her it wouldn't help, I mean he hates me. She's…" he looked over and caught sight of her stopping at a table full of women, they appeared to be her friends. She was smiling like everything was right in her world, and he liked that smile. 

She was going to lose that oblivious happiness.

"I'm sorry," Aaron said, and he felt their fingertips touch. 

He looked back at Aaron and felt dazed by him again for a minute, and it took a second to speak. "For what?"

"Don't know, just am... "Aaron shrugged and looked at the bar. Robert tracked his gaze and found Chas. "They all -- my mum, your family. They all think he's gonna come around on me. Because he _knows me_.” Aaron rolled his eyes. 

Robert's limbs started to feel heavy. "He won't."

"I know, and it's no skin off my nose but..." Aaron's eyes moved in the direction of Adam. "They're my family, you know, the three of us?"

Jealousy hit Robert because friendships weren't something he ever really found or had with anyone — especially not the tight-knit bond he knew his sister had with Aaron and Adam. It hurt because he knew he'd never know that…and the hole he usually ignored felt bigger. 

"I don't want her to get hurt, but..." Aaron trailed off.

"She will," Robert muttered.

"Yeah."

His eyes found his sister again, and she was laughing along with her girlfriends, and she looked like their mum, beautiful and worthy of good and amazing things and she wanted a perfect wedding. He wanted to give it to her, and he knew he couldn't. It hurt to look at her, and he looked away. 

"She's strong, though," Aaron said. 

"Shouldn't have to be… And is she? Is she strong enough to watch Jack Sugden fall off the pedestal she's put him on?" Robert's voice cracked, and he felt the thwack of the belt again. The feel of hard leather and he remembered every second of losing what little he had left of his father.

Robert shuddered, and the pub felt suddenly claustrophobic. All the voices were too loud in his ears, and he rushed to his feet, nearly falling to the ground as did, but he found his balance and ran until he was outside and gulping fresh air, but it was doing nothing to ease the panic. He could barely see, there was just a section past his nose that seemed clear, but he also felt like he was back in that bedroom again, terrified and alone. Until he felt a strong arm around his waist and he let it guide him until he felt a wall behind his back And hands were on his arms, curled around his biceps, solid and safe. 

"Breathe," a gravelly voice whispered, and distantly he knew it was Aaron. "Breathe, Robert."

Robert listened, and slowly he blinked until he could see again, and he was drowning in blue. 

Aaron's hand stroked up and own his right arm. 

_Aaron. Home._

"Better?" Aaron asked. 

Robert shook his head and decided to focus on Aaron's eyes and Aaron's face — maybe they could drown out the memory and help him put it back away where he'd buried it. He felt dizzy. 

"Hey, breathe…Robert, breathe for me."

He nodded and stared into Aaron's eyes and found his breath again.

"Tell me?"

"I keep...it's been years since I've... but I keep flashing back too..." He can't say it, but their eyes met, and Aaron understood, of course, and tightened his grip on Robert's arms. 

"I shouldn't be here," Robert muttered. 

"Yes, yes, you should," Aaron's voice was strong.

"I still can't breathe."

"You are, you are." Aaron stroked his arm. 

"I want to be…strong… I need to be for Vic, but…I don't know if I can." 

"Focus on Vic then, just her, Robert. It doesn't have to be about him."

"He's Jack Sugden, Aaron," he spat out. "He's impossible to ignore…." His chin jerked, his eyes filled with tears, and he shuddered as he tried not to sob, hating feeling out of control, but he'd been fighting them all day — fighting them for years, and a sob broke out. 

"Hey, hey..." Aaron's arms wrapped around him in a tight grip pulling them together into a tight hug. Robert felt his head fit against Aaron's neck like it belonged there, and another sob shook him and then another, and it threatened to break him into pieces, but he knew he wouldn't shatter. 

He was safe. He was with Aaron.

He let himself feel it, the pain, the heartache, the loneliness, and the losses that were all part of who and what he was, and it hurt, but slowly it faded away. And his breath evened out minutes, hours, seconds later. He had no sense of time, and gradually he became aware of how hard he'd pressed his face into Aaron's neck. He was breathing in his skin, and he didn't want to move. He felt Aaron's hand stroking up and down his back, and it made him burrow in deeper, and it brought up a memory. 

Robert remembered fifteen-year-old Aaron Dingle, with tears streaking down his face tackling into him, arms around his waist, and a face against his chest. He remembered how easy it'd been to hug him back. He remembered how, in those seconds, the last thing he wanted to do was leave Emmerdale. He let out a long breath and realized he felt all of that again because this was where he wanted to be. 

With Aaron. 

Who was still stroking his back, with his other arm tight around him when Robert lifted his head up, feeling stubble scratch against his cheek, and he sighed stepped back only enough to make them wobble where they stood, only enough to look at Aaron's face. Their eyes met, and Robert realized he must look a mess, but Aaron's hand was in his hair, now pushing it away from his face with a soft expression on his face. 

"Alright?" he asked and bit his lip. "Dumb question."

"What else are you meant to ask? Still, feel awful?"

Aaron smiled, and his hand stroked down Robert's back again. 

"I'm better," he said. 

"Yeah?"

"Didn't solve anything, but…" Robert tightened the arm that ended up around Aaron's waist. “But you… _you_ helped."

Aaron shrugged. 

"You always have…" Robert shook his head. 

Aaron blushed. 

"I missed ya," Robert whispered. 

Aaron blinked at him, bewildered. "I doubt it."

"I did… you were.... You were the closest thing I had to a friend."

"Me?" Aaron smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Didn't see me as just some kid?"

"Well, a kid, yeah, but not just some…" Robert shook his head.

"But a kid."

"Not a kid now…" Robert breathed and run his hand down Aaron's arm. "Not at all."

Aaron blushed deeper. 

"Aaron…" Robert breathed, and his hand was on his face. "I…"

"Yeah?"

"You're beautiful…" he finally let it fall past his lips.

Aaron inhaled sharply. 

He held his gaze and tested to see if they could still talk without words. He felt Aaron holding it, and he dipped his eyes down to his mouth. 

He nodded.

And Robert kissed him.

**

Aaron

Robert Sugden was kissing him.

_Robert Sugden was kissing him._

Aaron's hand had been following the curve of Robert's spine in an attempt to offer comfort, but now it gripped at the shirt underneath his palm. Needing to grab onto something because his knees threatened to give out. But Robert's arms tightened around him, making everything switch, so Aaron was the one being held. Aaron knew there was no chance of falling, but it did nothing to quiet his shock at feeling Robert's full bottom lip brush at the spot between his own.

Robert's lips pushed between his lips more deeply, but the touch was soft and barely-there, testing even though Aaron had given his permission. But knowing Robert meant to kiss him and feeling it were two different things, and his mind was still on a loop. 

_Robert Sugden is kissing me._

He felt Robert's arm tighten around his waist, and another landed on his cheek before slipping behind his neck, and he tilted his head upward before Robert's silent order of move closer was clear. He kissed Robert more firmly, not wanting to be kissed but _to kiss_. Then he chased Robert's mouth as it moved slightly back in the usual press and pull of a kiss because all he wanted was the pressure of Robert's mouth against his own — _he'd always wanted this_. His other hand was threaded through Robert's hair, and he let go and let it slip down to Robert's neck, pushing him closer to him, and he felt Robert lean into him. 

They kissed for minutes, hours, or maybe seconds, no matter what it didn't feel long enough, but when they broke apart, both of them were breathing deeply like the breath been knocked out of them. And maybe it had been because Aaron never felt so breathless. Robert's hand was on his cheek again, and their eyes were locked, and a million wordless things were being shared. 

But after a moment, Aaron realized Robert's eyes were puffy, and it was only moments ago he'd been crying into Aaron's neck, chest heaving, and fighting for breath. Guilt rushed through Aaron, and his hand started to follow Robert's spine again, and he shook his head slightly and worried his bottom lip with his teeth. 

"Hey, what?"

"You're upset," Aaron said. 

"Was upset…" Robert said, but he nodded. "Maybe, I still am." 

"Yeah."

"I meant it, though," Robert said. 

"What?"

"You're beautiful."

Aaron inhaled sharply again and shook his head. 

"You are…" Robert laughed lightly and pressed their foreheads together. "It fits, though."

"What?"

"This is where we said goodbye," Robert said. 

"I thought I'd never see you again."

"Same… I was never going to look back."

"You did, though?"

"Yeah, I did, and it finally dragged me back."

"Dragged?"

Robert sighed. "This place is him, Aaron."

"It's not just him, though, is it?"

Robert stroked his thumb down the back of Aaron's neck. "No. It's Vic and you, but…"

"The bad memories are louder," Aaron supplied. 

"It's the leathering it's been chasing me since I drove past the Welcome to Emmerdale sign…" his voice deepened, and Aaron knew it was pain. 

"He can't hurt you like that again."

"It was never the physical pain," Robert whispered. 

Aaron nodded, and his voice clogged up, but he understood it and his hand stroked up Robert's back and met his other hand around his neck, and he pulled Robert down toward him, and their lips were a breath apart when they heard the door of the Woolpack bang open behind them. 

Robert sprung apart from him, and it wasn't a surprise. But Aaron hated it, hated that space was suddenly shoved between them and Robert trying to straighten his hair and his clothes before anyone caught sight of them. He felt something uncomfortable settle in his chest, and he wondered if it would leave any time soon. 

"Rob…" Victoria and Adam appeared. 

Aaron hoped he didn't look too disheveled. 

"Yeah, yeah…here," Robert said, his voice hoarse from crying.

Victoria looked between them, and Aaron could see her mind working, but it came up short with a reason for the way they looked and the way they were standing. Aaron supposed it fit because she was working with false facts about Robert. 

"You two, okay?" Adam asked, looking bewildered. 

"I had a bit of a wobble, Aaron was just offering support…" Robert caught his eye, and Aaron felt the gratefulness in Robert's eyes like it was physical. 

"A wobble?" Vic asked. 

"It's Dad, Vic…. It's hard for me."

"You two will work it out," she said brightly. "I'm finally off, so we can sit down and start our catch up."

"Yeah, yeah, I'd love that, Vic," Robert said, giving Victoria his full attention. Aaron felt a weird stab of jealousy, but he shoved it away easily. He knew how important both brother and sister were to the other. 

"Aaron, stay?" Vic asked. 

"I don't know, Vic… don't want to get in the way."

"You wouldn't be," Robert argued, and Aaron was locked into silent communication with him, and what Robert was asking was clear. Please stay, and Aaron's lips tingled, and he felt Robert's palm against his cheek. He hoped his ears weren't too red. 

"Yeah, mate, you're family too," Adam added.

Aaron nodded, but he was only looking at Robert. 

Victoria grinned though and looked at Adam. "You two get the drinks and let me get a bit of a head start with him."

"Yeah, go on."

Aaron nodded and watched Vic hook her and Robert's arms and beam up at him. "I'm so happy you're home, you know," she said. 

Aaron watched Robert grin at her, but his pain and hesitancy about his father was clear in his eyes. It made the flutters that were in his chest and stomach sink, and he felt like everything he'd ever wanted was right in front of him, but if he tried to hold on to it, it might fade into nothing. 

"You alright, mate? You can leave if you want, those two won't mind."

"Nah, I'll stay," Aaron shrugged. "Just never thought he'd come back here."

"Yeah, me either…" Adam frowned. "He better not hurt her. She always downplays it, but his leaving was hard on her."

Aaron nodded because he knew it, it was just he knew how hard leaving was on Robert. "He won't."

"You sound sure."

"He came back for her, didn't he?" Aaron said. "He hated it here, but he came back for her."

Adam nodded. "Yeah, and he wasn't all bad, really. Let us get away with a lot somedays, remember?"

Aaron nodded. 

"Still think he's fit?" Adam punched his arm.

Aaron shook his head, but he didn't dare lie out loud. 

"Let's get those drinks," Adam said and headed inside. 

Aaron took in a few deep breathes and touched his mouth. His eyes flew closed, and he felt spun, and it felt as if he was in a daydream. It felt too good to be true, but fear was under his skin too — everything could fall apart. And he wasn't sure how to navigate the situation so it wouldn't. 

He wanted it to stay together.

**

Aaron

For the first time in Aaron's life, it wasn't disconcerting to wake up in a bed that wasn't his own. He knew where he was, he knew who he was with, and there was a certainty in his bones that he was where he belonged. It'd been a week of stolen moments, and last night they'd fallen asleep somewhere in the space between snogging and talking, lost in the sight, sound, and taste of the other. Aaron blushed at the memories. Because despite it all being perfectly chaste -- he'd never felt so intimate with anyone. 

It made perfect sense it was Robert though -- it could only be Robert. He knew that now, like he knew his own name. Aaron pushed his nose into Robert's pillow and inhaled, blushing about why, but it was a smell that wrapped around him. It was a smell that had been missing from his life, and he knew he needed it in it. He believed they'd fallen into something that was forever, and that it meant they could bide their time and take things slow. It was the timing of everything that caused the need to -- or Robert's need to wait, but Aaron was willing to follow his lead. 

He sat up and readjusted his hoodie that'd gotten a mussed up and stretched in weird positions during the night. The room was empty, but Aaron knew Robert couldn't have gone far. He yawned and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, and saw his mum and Adam both left messages. He also saw it was late morning and frowned. Robert must have let him sleep in, it made a blush creep up his neck. 

The door to the room opened, and Robert walked in with a breakfast tray balanced in his hands. Their eyes met, and Robert sighed, "I wanted to wake you."

"You shouldn't have let me sleep so late," Aaron muttered. 

"You looked cute..." Robert grinned at him, his eyes shining.

Aaron made a face at the thought, but he knew his eyes were shining too as their eyes met, and he got off the bed and walked toward Robert and took the tray. He put it on the bed and meant to grab Robert by his waist -- only Robert beat him to it. His hands slid around Aaron's waist, and he yanked him into his body, and their mouths slotted together. He tried not to smile, but it knocked him sideways -- every kiss did, and he wondered if he would ever stop thinking, _Robert Sugden is kissing me._

He wasn't fifteen anymore, he was twenty-two, but it all slid together, and sometimes he wasn't sure it was real. There was something surreal about them, about how they felt and how they fit together that made Aaron wonder how it could be real. Because it felt too good to be because he felt indescribably whole and certain about who he was and where he was meant to be. _With Robert_. Aaron leaned up on his toes and gripped Robert's biceps and hoped he wouldn't slide to the floor because the kiss was threatening to make his knees give out. 

Robert cradled his face in his hands, and slowly, their mouths parted. But they didn't budge an inch, and Aaron felt Robert's thumbs rubbing up and down his cheekbones, and he loved the drag of it against his stubble. He kept his eyes closed a second longer, Robert's breathe on his lips, making him shiver. His eyes opened, and their gaze locked, and they both laughed. Robert pressed his mouth to Aaron's nose before stepping back and trailing his hands down Aaron's arms until their hands threaded together. 

"Are you ready?" Aaron asked when Robert's gaze drifted away for a second. 

"Not yet…Aaron." Robert yanked him closer to him, his grip tight around his hands. "I don't want to do reality yet."

"I'm not reality?" Aaron grinned. 

"Alright, not the bad reality, how about that?"

"Alright," Aaron said. "I missed ya when I woke up."

Robert grinned and nodded. "Me too, but I wasn't far."

Aaron stroked his thumbs over Robert's pulse points. "Think that was the best night's sleep of my life -- is that weird?"

"No…" Robert pressed their foreheads together. "You're what is keeping me sane, Aaron... _Us_."

Us...it made Aaron want to press hard kisses against his mouth and his throat, and push him onto the bed. But he couldn't, and he understood why, but it took a moment for the impulse to pass, and he rubbed a hand down Robert's spine to help it ebb away. They were reasons they were moving slower than he wished and reasons they were keeping them a secret. In a way, it made sense because they'd always been the other's secret keeper. A piece of Aaron loved it, loved having Robert to himself -- the two of them being the only ones who knew that finding each other again had changed everything. 

And it had changed everything. It made Aaron's world feel shifted under his feet. It was terrifying, but in a good way. In a way, he knew he couldn't regret. There was no regretting him and Robert. And that meant everything that came with it...because it wasn't perfect. It was marred by the same awful thing that had always loomed over Robert's childhood that stopped it from being happy. 

Jack Sugden. 

Aaron understood now why he'd wanted to protect Robert -- even as a child he'd seen Robert's pain and understood it and wanted to protect him. The truth was Aaron hated secrets because Gordon had used a secret between them to abuse and control him. Secrets made him uncomfortable because they felt like lies -- and he hated lies. They would churn under his skin. But Aaron had kept Robert's because he knew they might do more damage spoken than unspoken. He put that on Jack. But he'd also kept Robert's secrets because he'd always wanted to protect him -- he thought the reasons were because they were a bit alike, but Aaron understood it on a deeper level now. Robert was his to protect. But it didn't make keeping the secrets easy, and Aaron knew he couldn't them a secret forever -- it wasn't possible. They were too important to keep hidden, and the thought made him chew his lip. 

"What's wrong?" Robert asked, his fingers dug into Aaron's cheeks again. 

"It's nothing." 

"Don't, Aaron, I need you to be honest, please?" He wondered if he should be frightened how well Robert could read him. 

"Just want to tell people is all…" Aaron grabbed Robert's hips, feeling him start to step away. "No pressure, I swear, I just… I hate secrets, Robert."

"Yet, you've kept mine all these years…" Robert's expression fell, guilt flooding his eyes, and he looked down at their feet. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be…" Aaron shook his head and pressed a kiss to Robert's cheek. "I wanted to help you, I did, and they were never my secrets to tell."

"It was always too much to ask," Robert said and stared at Aaron. "You were a kid, and you had your own things to deal with."

"But you saved me too," Aaron admitted. "You told me I wasn't broken, Robert. You were the first person to say that who I believed."

"Really?" Robert looked stunned. 

"I just always wished you saw that for yourself too," Aaron said, and he watched tears spill out of Robert's eyes. It made him pull Robert into him, and he felt Robert's face squish against his neck. It felt like it belonged there, and he tightened his hold on him. He marveled at how Robert calmed down in his hold and at how holding Robert against him made him feel. 

"Home…" Robert whispered into his neck.

"What?" Aaron stroked a hand down his back, unsure he heard him correctly.

Robert kissed his neck, where it met his shoulder and pulled away, his hand stroking Aaron's face. "I'll tell you, someday, not now."

"Robert?" Aaron wanted to know, but he watched Robert's expression shift, and his eyes went dark. 

"I wish the hospital would keep him longer," Robert muttered, and he stepped out of Aaron's hold, and it felt like he needed to put distance between Aaron and Jack. 

"I'm sure the hospital staff is happy they aren't."

That made Robert laugh and look at him with a small smile.

Aaron shrugged. 

"I wouldn't go, but Vic's begged me, and I just can't seem to say no to her…" he sighed. "I'm going to make things worse for her."

"No. He is," Aaron said. "It'll be him. Not you."

Robert shook his head.

"I mean it, Robert."

"I know you're right, but…" Robert looked upward. "I just... Why, why do I wish it could be different, it's not even rational."

"He's your father," Aaron offered because if he understood one thing, it was the tangled up knots that family could cause. 

"Is he?" Robert asked. "Because I try to remember anything he did that lines up with a father, I can't remember him ever putting me first. So, why do I want approval that I can't get?"

"I don't know, but does it matter why, if it's how you feel?" 

"I hated Vic sometimes," Robert said, and he sat down on the foot of the bed. "It was easier hating Andy. Still is… But sometimes I hated her too."

Aaron moved over to him and stepped into the vee of Robert's legs, his hands falling on his shoulders. 

"He was great with her, he listened to her..." Robert went on. "I mean, he put up with you and Adam for her," he laughed. "The worst thing was he talked about Mum with her. Like really talked about her with Vic...." Robert inhaled sharply and wiped at his eyes. "He never talked about either of my mums with me. He never took time out to see about my day. He never gave me those things… So, sometimes, I hated her. And I didn't want to look at her, but then I'd feel guilty. So, I would look at her, and it'd hurt anyway because she looks like Mum."

Aaron squeezed his shoulders. 

Robert blinked his eyes and shook his head. "But I wouldn't let him make me hate her. I refused because she was my sister, and she is pretty amazing. I should've called her sooner, though, huh? But I wanted to be settled, so I'd have excuses for when she begged me to visit Emmerdale... it's selfish." 

"Hey, you called her in the end."

Robert wiped his eyes again and grabbed Aaron's hips. After a beat, he looked up. "How did you let him go?"

Aaron understood he meant Gordon and he snorted in reply. 

"It's alright you don't have…"

"No…it's alright," he explained quickly. "I didn't. Not for a long time. You remember how it'd crash up in me sometimes as a kid and when I was fifteen. Those months Ross was pecking my head until I took your advice and decked him one."

"Wished I'd seen that," Robert grinned.

"I didn't let him go, Robert. I was in and out of the therapy for a long time. I got in fights too much, and it got worse, really… Until Paddy."

"Paddy? Paddy Kirk? The Vet?"

"Yeah…" Aaron laughed at Robert's expression. "He and mum dated, it didn't last long before she left him for someone. And I hated that guy, so I stayed at Paddy's. And he was like… a Dad. A real one, the kind you read about or whatever... It snuck up on me. We had fights, and I was a right git. At times I was a monster to him, but he never stopped reaching out and listening. It was because of him I faced up to telling Adam and Vic about me… It took longer to tell anyone else. But I knew, I knew if I told him and Mum they'd understand. I mean, he knew, Paddy knew though, he knew way before I was ready to say it."

"A real Dad, huh?" Robert sounded bitter, but Aaron understood and ran a hand down his spine. 

"I think it was around the time I understood I could always count on him like I did Mum and the Dingles that I started letting Gordon go…and maybe I haven't completely. Sometimes something can still set me off, but he can't control me, not anymore." 

Robert sniffed and shook his head. "I can't...Jack."

"It's a bit different, though…" Aaron whispered. 

"Yeah… No one expects you to respect him."

"Yeah… Everyone knows Gordon was vile," they spoke together.

Robert wiped at his nose and leaned forward, his head hitting Aaron's stomach. 

"They'll see it, Robert."

"Or, he'll swallow it up and suck it in for Vic, and fool them all."

"He won't."

"How are you so sure?"

"Cause, I've seen how he's looked at us. He won't, Robert, I don't think he can."

"Then, Vic's wedding is ruined…" Robert sighed.

"Do you want him to play her?"

"Maybe…" Robert sighed. "It's wrong, I know, alright. But this is her wedding, and she loves him, Aaron... And he's doted on her. He's the only parent she has left. Mum's gone," Robert's voice broke. "And, I don't want to her feel orphaned..." He inhaled sharply. "I don't want Vic to feel that, and if she loses him if she ever sees him the way I do — It's getting something ripped out of her, and I can't do that to her." 

Aaron sighed. 

"If… if I have to clench my jaw and let him look good, for her, I will."

It felt like cold water hit the back of his neck. A spike of fear rushed him, and Aaron moved out Robert's hold and turned around. 

"Aaron?"

There was only one loud thought in his head suddenly and he turned around and stared right at Robert. "I want us."

"Me too, Aaron," he said without hesitation, and it made some of Aaron's sudden fear settle, but it wasn't' enough.

"I'll leave Emmerdale, for ya...." Aaron started but he trailed off unable to find find words for what needed to be said.

"Aaron," Robert breathed. "I can't ask..."

"I will," he said it again because he wanted Robert to understand. "I want to be with you."

"But?" Robert asked because of course he knew.

Aaron nodded and wiped at his suddenly wet eyes. "I won't hide. I can't hide. I can't, Robert, not forever. I won't lie to my family... I won't lie to my mum, Paddy, Vic, and Adam. I can't lie to them."

Robert looked away and Aaron knew he understood. He crossed the room again, realizing he'd moved too far away, and Robert's legs opened to allow Aaron back into the same vee as before. He squeezed his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. "I just...you want me to be honest, so, you needed to know."

Robert nodded.

Aaron tried not to be afraid of the silence, instead he decided to steer Robert a bit in a the direction Aaron felt he needed to go and could go. "And, Rob…You should tell her, tell Vic."

"Tell her?" Robert shook his head.

"That you're…" Aaron paused and realized he didn't know himself. What Robert was, not in words anyway.

"Bisexual," Robert whispered, his head bent into Aaron's stomach. 

"Yeah, that," Aaron ran his hand up and down Robert's back.

Robert let out small relieved breath. Then slowly he looked up at Aaron and his hands fell onto his hips. "Aaron, I don't know when...I don't know." 

"I know," Aaron nodded.

"I promise I won't ask you to keep this secret forever, but it can't be right now."

"I get it..." Aaron reassured him with a look and his hand against Robert's spine. But his honesty compelled him. "I don't like it, but I get it."

Robert pulled him closer by his hips. "I don't deserve you, I don't deserve you... I know that. I" ve known it since I was fifteen."

"That's not..." Aaron started.

"I never should have put it on you," Robert gazed at him, his eyes full of guilt.

"Robert, you never should've been in that position."

"You hated keeping it a secret."

"I almost broke that promise, a few times," Aaron admitted. "But I never could, I couldn't go back on my word to ya...and I think I knew it wouldn't have helped."

Robert nodded. "It wouldn't have mattered."

"Part of me hoped, though…"

"Your mum wasn't going to save me like she saved you, Aaron... If they even believed ya."

"It was naive thinking."

Robert wiped his nose again and sighed. "I have to get going."

"Want me to come with ya?" He offered.

Robert snorted. "That'd be perfect, really, us showing up to his room together."

"What you'd think he'd know?"

"Yes," Robert said. "I think all he sees when he sees me are the things he hates." 

"Robert..." Aaron shook his head.

"It's alright... It's better I deal with it alone."

Aaron frowned. "Yeah, well, Vic's asked me to the house later. We both know why..." He sighed.

Robert deflated more. "I'm not looking forward to it."

"Me either."

"If I don't leave now, I won't." Robert stood up. 

Aaron expected Robert's hands to fall from his hips. 

"But first…" Robert leaned down and captured his mouth with his lips. 

Aaron felt whole. 

**

Robert

It was awkward. 

He had somehow beaten Vic to the hospital, which meant he was alone with the rest of his family -- if he could call them that. Diane was friendly enough, but she was a stranger, and he wasn't looking to change that. Katie and Andy and he had fallen into an unspoken agreement to remain distant. To avoid all the unspoken issues that existed, so they were on opposite corners of the room, avoiding even minimal eye contact. Then, of course, there was Jack. Robert felt his father's eyes land on him when he walked in and glanced at him for a split second. Long enough to see the stare was unfriendly and to catch his mouth twist into an unfriendly line. 

It made Robert unsure what to do with body. For the first time since he was a gangly pre-teen, he hadn't clue what to do with his legs or his arms. But he fought against crossing his arms, needing to hide how vulnerable he felt, so he leaned against the wall in the corner of the room and shoved his hands into his jeans pockets. It was a trick he'd already used, and he was pretty sure he wasn't fooling Jack. But it felt like his only choice, and he silently tried to will Vic to arrive sooner. His eyes following the second hand on the wall clock in the room, hoping for her or hospital staff to arrive with his father's release paperwork. 

He started to wish he'd taken Aaron up on the offer to come with him, despite knowing it'd be a massive mistake. He was positive his father would take one look at the two of them and know. Jack Sugden wasn't stupid, and in the past week, Robert remembered comments said and looks given whenever he and Aaron were alone in the house. They were -- mates -- Robert supposed, though he'd never thought it and it was never called it by anyone else. But Aaron was his ally and Jack was sharp eyed. Especially toward Robert, because he was always looking for excuses to lecture and use to push him away. 

He'd only brought a few lads to the house after he was fifteen, and he knew every time that Jack had spotted it. He saw the thin lined mouth and the clenched fists. But if there were no proof, Jack would just make sly statements and go on about Andy and Katie and wonder why Robert couldn't keep a girlfriend. Jack liked to live on the line of if he didn't see it, it wasn't there, while still making sure Robert knew who he was wasn't permitted. It was a dangerous game and Robert always felt like he was playing with fire when he risked it. He had risked it though, and he wondered why -- to push it, to hurt Jack, to hurt himself?

It ended in hurt and panic every time. 

But Aaron somehow was always there to keep him from burning. He bit the inside of his cheek to stop the smile that wanted to form on his face. It was near impossible, but he couldn't start grinning happily -- which was what happened when he thought about Aaron. He let his eyes fall closed for a moment and felt Aaron's mouth against his own, the scratch of his stubble, and his palm pressed hard against his spine as he soothed Robert. It was calming and his insides felt full instead of empty. 

Aaron was his home. There was no denying it when everything he was screamed it when he looked at him, when he held him, when he was held by him. But it petrified Robert too -- because it couldn't stay hidden. It couldn't be another secret they kept. And Aaron was clear about it, he would tell people because he knew no other way to be. Aaron was honest in how he lived his life, in how he loved his family. 

Robert envied it and wished he had the strength. He needed to find it, he thought, but he couldn't conceive of it. Not yet, now now. Not with Jack's heart attack and Victoria's wedding, which less than a week away now. He came back to Emmerdale for her but ended up finding Aaron. That was everything, and Aaron was his only port in the storm. But it wasn't his focus, his focus was making sure Victoria got her perfect wedding. Which was another thing that petrified him because he saw no way to accomplish it. 

"Stop fussing, woman," Jack's voice was loud in the room.

Diane threw her hands up. "I'm going to see what is taking so long..." 

Robert watched her leave the room and wished he could follow. He bit his cheek again, so he wouldn't sigh in frustration. He didn't want to be here. In fact, he really rather ignore his father as much as possible. But it was out of his hands, as usual when it came to Jack he didn't have any control. It made him feel itchy inside his skin. 

"Jack…" Katie spoke with a soft voice, and it instantly made Robert feel uneasy. He looked at her, directly for the first time since arriving, and watched her move closer to Jack's bed. "I need to say this, and I do hope you'll listen."

"I've told her not too," Andy said. 

Robert felt his muscles tense and wished he could leave. 

"We've had this discussion…" Katie's voice got harsher as she glared at Andy before focusing back on Jack. "Andy and I had this discussion, and I hope you'll listen as he has…"

"Just spit it out, girl," Jack said. 

"Victoria's wedding..." Katie started but her courage seemed to wane enough for Jack to cut in again.

"What about it?"

"Aaron has to be there," Katie said too quickly. 

"No," Jack said.

"Yes, Jack," she sighed and kept her voice soft again -- like she was trying to sooth some beast. "He's their best friend, and he's been family to us for years."

"No," Jack repeated, and he sounded like a child to Robert.

"You know him, Jack. He's a good sort, and he loves our Victoria."

"That sort will never be near my daughter."

"He already has been, Jack…for years, they're best mates, and they love each other."

"I will not allow it."

Robert wanted to disappear, and he heard Vic in his head, pleading with him to take up Aaron's case for her and to try to sway Jack to her side and to see sense. It wouldn't go any better than Katie's current attempt. Robert knew it would go worse. 

"Andy…" Katie sighed as she looked at her husband for help. Robert nearly laughed, wondering what exactly she expected. 

"Dad…" Andy started looking unhappy. "she makes a... good point..." Robert thought he sounded like he was asking instead of telling. "Vic loves him, and she chose him to stand up for her and Adam..." Andy started to sound more sure of his words. "I mean, he is a good kid, and he's always been there for Vic and this family over the years." 

Katie nodded along. "Exactly. Jack, I mean it is Aaron Dingle we're talking about....you know him, you know he's been good to her."

Jack looked between her and Andy, his mouth that angry line that made Robert twitch and feel a belt on his back. He wanted to sink through the floor and knew he was about to hate whatever came out of his father's mouth. Only it got worse because Jack's head turned, and those hard eyes were staring right at Robert. 

"And what do you have to say about it," Jack barked, and Robert felt his insides flinch.

"What?" He played dumb and hoped he hadn't physically jumped.

"About Aaron?" 

_He’s my home._ It was a quick and unbidden thought, it always was and Robert wondered if that proved the truth of it? It was comforting, though it wasn't unhelpful at the moment, and he bit the inside of his cheek. "Vic loves him," he said because one of them was allowed to publicly. 

Jack grunted. "That's all you have to say?"

"Hey, this is Katie's conversation…" Robert tried to worm himself out of it.

"Right, Robert and him were..." Robert felt Katie's eyes on him, and he looked at her if only to glare in an attempt to get himself out of this. But she was nodding. "They were kind of mates...he spent a lot of time with the kids, he knows what both Aaron and Adam mean to Vic." 

Robert looked away from her and shook his head. He wanted to go back barely acknowledging her existence. He rolled his eyes when he noticed Andy move closer to her out the corner of his eye, due to her paying him attention. He didn't want her, whatever love he'd felt had disappeared the day she turned on him. It was never real, it couldn't have been if faded away so swiftly. 

"Mates," Jack snorted his eyes dark and on Robert.

Robert felt cold and realized he'd been dead right not to show up with Aaron. 

"That boy followed you around like a puppy, Jack muttered.

Robert shook his head as Andy laughed. "He kind of did, Rob."

"Should've known then," Jack said, shaking his head, and Robert knew Jack had always known about Aaron. But he put it in a box and pretended it wasn't true because it'd never been spoken -- it being out of sight somehow making it not real to him. 

"Jack," Katie said, clearly not reading the thin-mouthed expression on Jack's face for what it was... "For Vic, I think you need to allow it. It's her wedding, and he's so important to her."

"She loves him," Robert heard himself repeat again despite knowing it was fruitless, but he had told Vic he would try.

Jack just grunted and shook his head. 

Katie sighed. "I need some water, anyone want anything?"

Robert shook his head, but Katie was only looking at Andy and he muttered that he would go with her. And within seconds Robert found himself alone with Jack. 

"You and that boy..." Jack said, the line of his mouth going even thinner.

"What Aaron?" Robert asked trying to look perplexed. 

"That boy…his life screwed him up." Jack shook his head. "Outside forces put him on the wrong path with that pervert of a father."

The shock of Jack's words had Robert standing straight up, to his full height, and he felt sick, and half wondered why he was surprised his father would think it. It almost made a sick sense. 

"Life twisted that poor boy...." Jack continued. "I'd hoped I was wrong all these years, but I should've known because he thought you hung the moon, and what did you do? You put the idea in his head it wasn't a perversion with those lads you'd bring home... You just confused him all the more, didn't you..." Jack glared at him. "At least it's trauma that scarred and broke him, but you… _You just were._ ”

Robert felt ill.

"I tried with you, boy. I made mistakes, but I tried to get you on the right path…' he shook his head. "But you wouldn't go, and it's still there, ain't it. I told you to bury it, but you never stopped with the self-destruction."

He wanted to leave to walk away but he felt stuck to floor, his mouth open and unable to stop staring at Jack and willing him to shut up. 

"Your sister told me about your failed engagement, she gave me the whole sob story…wanted me to be nicer to you, thought it would garner sympathy," Jack snorted. "You ruined an upstanding job and a life with a good woman -- she sounded too good for you. What was it for, Robert? Another cheap thrill, couldn't keep it in your pants. At least it wasn't a man...."

"It was..." Robert bit out.

Jack startled.

"I lied to Vic about that part. It was a man, Jack," he snapped. "But, don't give me some holier than thou crap about cheating. Like you never cheated on Mum? Multiple times. Have you cheated on Diane yet?" Robert scoffed. "You're sick, Jack. You're sick to say that about Aaron..." 

He paused so he wouldn't throw up, and he tried to remember how to breathe. He paused and tried to stop shaking. Because he was shaking with... Disgust and hurt. "You think it was his father and me that made him gay?" he asked, looking back up. "You're the one wrong in the head. But you know what...JACK. I did tell him he wasn't wrong or broken. I said those exact words right to his face when he was fifteen..." A sob escaped his throat. "Fifteen, Jack. You know the age where you tried to leather it out of me... I wouldn't do it to him, I wouldn't let him think it was wrong or ugly...even if I..." He trailed off years worth of self-hatred screaming in his head. "I did what you should've done for me, what any REAL DAD, would've done...." He stopped short and inhaled sharply, and tried to fight the panic that was pressing against his chest. 

He backed into to the corner of the room, ducked his head down and tried imagine Aaron holding him. That hand hard against his spine, but soothing in its strength and Aaron's body heat around him. His body there to lean on, and his face kind and brave. His home. Robert breathed a little easier. Aaron was his home, and he'd always been his home. He breathed in the knowledge and tried to let everything else slide away. He couldn't let it go, though, he could feel Jack's presence in the room. But despite the shaking, he managed to get his breathing under control and the room suddenly felt deathly silent. 

Then his phone went off and he reached for it, praying for it to be Aaron but it was Vic. A picture of her face came up and she was beaming in it. Happy and beautiful and looking like their mum and he felt everything sink down inside of him. She wanted a perfect wedding, with all the people she loved surrounding her. He looked up and saw Jack, on the bed grim faced and purposely looking away from Robert. He doubted it was shame. He managed to hate him in that split second. It was white hot pure hate but it faded quickly and Vic came back into his view. He'd told Aaron he'd do anything to give her what she wanted...

Robert studied at Jack, a father who couldn't look at his own son, and who wouldn't want the world to know why he couldn't look at his own son. 

"If you don't allow Aaron to be at Vic's wedding, I'm telling them, Jack," he said it as he thought it. 

Jack turned to stare at him and scoffed in disbelief. 

"There are a few scars on my back from the buckle," he said, his voice a threat. "I'll tell them about seeing me with that lad, about you leathering me with the buckle and the lies you told to cover it up. I'll tell her, Jack. I'll tell Vic what you did to me. I'll tell her why you did it..."

"You wouldn't dare," Jack snapped.

"Wouldn't I?" Robert laughed. "Wouldn't I, Jack... I love to self-destruct, don't I dad... I ruin everything I touch? Right? I'll tell her, I'll take her pride and love for you and twist it into nothing..." He spat out, but he was afraid he might fall, his limbs felt heavy. Fear was pulsing through his veins and pounding in his ears. "I'll do it, Jack. I'll tell her, Diane, Andy, Katie... The whole of Emmerdale. I'll tell them you leathered me for kissing a boy..." His voice broke, but the threat managed to hold, and he locked his gaze with Jack's and refused to look away from the hate he saw.

Jack glared at him for a good minute before he looked away. It was just a shift of his eyes and his mouth remained a line. Everything went deathly quiet again. And Robert found himself leaning back into the corner of the room unable to stop his arms from crossing in front of him, because he felt like he was on quicksand. There was no stopping the shake that was in his bones, but he refused to take his eyes off of Jack. He couldn't back down, the threat was out there now, and he had to make it look real. 

Maybe a minute later Jack looked at him again with clear disgust in his eyes and he opened his mouth. Robert braced himself for whatever was next but nothing happened. Because the door to the room opened and Victoria came in with Adam on her heels with a wheelchair. Victoria babbling happily that Diane had signed all the release paperwork, and it was time to finally take Jack back home. 

Robert felt strange as he watched it all happen. As he watched his father fall into the person he was in front of everyone else again with an ease that just made his stomach hurt. He looked up at the ceiling of the room and hoped Jack would 't call him on the bluff he just made. It was all lies. He listened to Victoria laughing and knew he wouldn't do it... 

He couldn't take another parent from her.

He couldn't say it -- to her, he couldn't, even as he heard Aaron's voice in his head telling him, she'd be amazing about his sexuality. But it came with with too much pain, it came with too much twisted history. He blinked his eyes and glanced at Jack. He was grinning at her and the others, everyone was back in the room and talking about what he wanted for tea...

It was his father's call. 

Robert wished he'd kept his mouth shut. 

**

Aaron

The Sugden Farm was a part of Aaron's history. He remembered the first summer he’d spent on the farm. He’d felt like he was made of glass but hadn’t wanted to be treated as fragile, and it was the same summer Victoria was always a second away from crying. Maybe it was why they'd come together so easily, both of them crushed by feelings too big for their ages. And somehow, with Adam being a good-hearted and funny kid, who never treated them differently, the two of them remembered how to be kids. And the pain wasn't allowed to sink too far into their bones. That first summer held many of Aaron's favorite and most vivid memories. And Robert was there on the edges of his memories, always there with food, or lemonade, or towels because they always needed care.

It'd been mothering. Aaron never connected it before, of course, but he inhaled sharply and wondered if it'd been how Robert held onto his mum. He took over her role on the farm. He'd known it in a way as a kid because he'd watched Jack expect things from Robert no parent should expect. To take care of his sister, her friends, the food, his chores, and never be second late with any of it. He remembered finding it unfair, but he also remembered that even when Robert got angry and shouted that he felt trapped, he never took it out on them. He was always kind to Vic, to him, even Adam. Though, maybe Aaron had gotten it better. It was Andy and Jack who got Robert's wrath -- and they'd deserved it. 

He frowned, remembering the fights, and it brought up the bad memories of the Sugden Farm. Because for all the good there had been a lot of bad. The farm was the place where some of his most confusing and worst memories took place. He dreaded it for the first years of high school because Adam and Vic were falling in love. It meant he was left out, but it also meant he'd felt deeply why he felt so left out. He knew he would never fall in love with a girl, and it was confusing. Made worse because he knew Robert been punished for feeling things for a boy. Aaron shuddered, where he sat, and an uneasy feeling shifted down his spine. He remembered the sight of Robert's back... A week or more after the leathering. It was raw and red, and obviously painful. But Robert's face had been worse, the way it'd scrunched up when he cried and begged Aaron to be quiet. Repeating that his father wasn't a monster and Aaron remembered wanting to argue. 

It was one of his worse memories, and for years it added to his own fears about himself. Until Robert lifted it away years later -- after Aaron had another panic attack. He had one too many at the farm, but the worst were the ones after Robert left because the Sugden kitchen went from one of his favorite places to his least favorite. It lost its warmth when Robert left and it never go any back until Victoria started cooking. But it was never the same, and he'd lost a safe place to be. He'd never realized the depth of why until now -- of course it was tied up with Robert.

But the house was him, Vic and Adam too, even the bad memories of feeling like they'd forgotten him were pieces of the whole puzzle. He'd told them he was gay sitting on the roof right outside Victoria's window and in a way, given himself back his best mates. There was a new inseparableness between them, and they were the truest support he'd ever gotten. Neither of them seemed surprised, and they both immediately made him admit his crush on Robert was real... He remembered how deeply he blushed about it and felt his cheeks heat now years later. 

He chewed on his lip and stared at the house and felt glued to the seat of his car. The truth was it might be the last time he stepped foot inside it. Because it was Jack Sugden's house and not Victoria's. Even if he always thought of it as hers, maybe even theirs sometimes. It wasn't, and it never would be -- and it might be taken away, and it hit him hard. The house was a mainstay in his life, a place he could always go and be welcome. It was a safety and the first house that had ever felt like home. Because he and his mum lived from house to house the first few years, he was in Emmerdale. Wishing Well, the Mill, Paddy's, and then finally the places the Woolpack. He stared at it now and let himself feel fear at losing it and try to process the thought of stepping inside of it one last time. A large part of Aaron didn't want to, but Vic had asked him to come because she had a plan. 

She wanted to plead her case to her father, show him he was being ridiculous about banning Aaron from her wedding and her life. He wasn’t sure what she was thinking at all. The truth was she was being blind to the homophobia, most of the people around Jack were. Saying things about him knowing Aaron and that he's a sensible and good man and he'll come around. It was like they couldn't face the thought someone they admired was wrong. He wondered what it would take for people to stop excusing Jack? He shivered at bad memories, all involving Robert, that could be used to help them see the truth. Only they weren't his stories to tell and wasn't sure Robert ever would. 

That made a mix of feelings rush him that he wasn't ready to think about, so he pushed it away. He decided to try to figure out Vic's thoughts on everything? Just so he would be prepared because he knew walking inside was going to hurt -- not just him. But her. She thought Jack wouldn’t be homophobic, with Aaron standing in front of him. She thought her father would feel shame when she mentioned how Aaron always been there for her. It was naive, but it also made sense -- Jack was always a good father to her. Doting and protective. Stubborn but loving, and Aaron used to watched it and wonder if he was two people. Because he was night and day with Vic and Robert. It was why Aaron felt it in his gut that Jack was relieved he could stop pretending to like him. 

Jack had never liked him, he'd just put up with that Dingle for his daughter's sake. Jack had never liked him because he knew what Aaron was -- maybe he'd known it before Aaron even? Had he known about Robert that long too? Aaron knew because Jack had always looked at him like he looked at Robert. Never quite directly, with this uneasy dislike that Aaron knew could easily lead to hate. But Jack pretended, he somehow lived knowing the truth without ever acknowledging it. As long as it stayed hidden from his sight. Which meant Aaron was allowed as long as he never told Jack he was gay. As long as he stayed in the box, Jack wanted him to live in. He was better at fitting Jack's box than Robert had ever been. But he wasn’t Jack’s son, and he was private and never announced his business. No instead, he'd just ignored Jack, the best he could, kept his head down, and focused on the little family that was him, Vic, and Adam.

Aaron wiped at his eyes and frowned at the tears. Vic was going to be hurt, and she was going to be pushed out of her denial in the most painful way. There was no way around it because Jack was about to show her the man that destroyed Robert. The man that Aaron kept quiet about after promising Robert he wouldn't tell. Not just to keep Robert's secrets, but because of Vic. There were times he could have pointed things out to her or told her something that didn't involve Robert, but he never did -- she was his best mate, his chosen family, and she'd lost a lot. A mother and a brother -- Jack took Robert from her. Aaron almost felt relief at the idea of her seeing the truth, but he'd never wish the pain of parental betrayal on her. He knew it. He knew how hard it hurt and how deeply it shaped someone. He saw that in himself and in Robert. 

He hated that Vic would be hurt, disillusioned and upset. But he couldn't help but wonder if it would hurt Robert more. Because it felt like Robert needed Vic to have their father. Like Robert needed her to keep Jack as the good and doting father, she and the world believed him to be... Robert seemed wrapped up in protecting Jack for her in a weird way that Aaron couldn't quite grasp. He was trying to suss it out, felt like maybe he'd need to help Robert through watching Jack fall from Vic's pedestal. Part of it was Robert felt orphaned and alone, and he rather die than see his sister feel that pain, but Aaron believed it went deeper. It was more than parental betrayal. It was almost like if Vic got to keep Jack, maybe it was easier for Robert to pretend he still had a father?

Aaron bit his lip and wiped at his eyes. Was that it? Or was it that Robert was terrified Jack was right about him, and there was no reason to destroy Vic's perfect picture. Because it was all Robert's fault... "No," Aaron bit out because he couldn't stand the thought of Robert carrying the self-loathing Jack had taught him forever. 

"I hate him," Aaron said, wanting to taste it on his tongue. "I hate him." 

It was always there under the surface. He just hadn’t given it a lot of thought because his priorities had been Robert and Victoria. His priorities had been himself, and it never really bothered him that he wasn't Jack's favorite person. Why would it? He'd always known Jack was a horrible father. He never liked him, but he never realized how deep the dislike went. Maybe that look in Jack's eyes that he knew could lead to hate was a mirror of his own feelings for Jack? Aaron sighed and let himself feel the hate because it wasn't about him. He didn't care what Jack thought of him at all. Who he did care about were Jack's children and his ability to hurt them. 

There was no saving Robert, and Aaron hurt knowing it. He stared at the house and for half a second thought about stepping away and bowing out of being Vic and Adam's best person. But no, it felt too wrong because he'd gotten a front row seat to their love story. He couldn't miss their celebration of it, he had to stand up for them. But it was going to be a mess, Vic was going to get hurt, and Aaron wished he could find a way to soften the blow for her. 

He was procrastinating going inside because the minute he did, both Vic and Robert were going to be gutted. Jack would destroy Vic for the first time, and Aaron didn't want to see it, and he didn't want to cause it -- he knew rationally it would be Jack's fault, and he would blame Jack for it. But it was hard to separate him being the impetus for the situation. And Aaron didn't want to think about what it was going to do to Robert. Robert wanted to protect Vic from him, maybe because he could never protect himself? Robert didn't want his sister to lose both her parents because he lived with that pain every day. 

Robert wasn't ready for Vic to know the truth about Jack because it brought his own lies and secrets to the surface. If Vic stopped seeing Jack as something good and bright, she might look at Robert and ask for things that he wasn't ready to confess. Aaron sighed because he and Robert were one of those things, and he knew it. He tried to ignore the sting of that because he wanted to be there for Robert — he needed to be there for Robert. Aaron wasn't going to rush him or force him. He understood it all needed to be on Robert's terms. But it scared Aaron because of the way he felt about Robert... 

He just wasn’t sure he could keep them a secret. 

As if on cue, Robert walked out of the house. His shoulders were slumped, and he looked crooked as he walked down the porch steps and disappeared out of sight. Aaron knew where he was heading, and a small smile lit his face because that was always the way of things. If Robert was on the farm, Aaron could always find him. 

He made his way around the porch and toward the back of the house. Soon his feet stepped into soft grass and caught sight of the large tree with it's overhanging branches. It was hard to ignore the deja vu of walking toward the tree looking for Robert. He was exactly where Aaron knew he'd be, leaning against the tree, hands still deep in his pockets and staring off into the distance. He doubted Robert saw the last remnants of the sunset that was in front of him, as he moved next to him and leaned against the trunk as well. He nudged the whole right side of his body against Robert’s, both needing to touch him and hoping to comfort him. 

“This is uncomfortable,” he muttered as the rough surface of the trunk pressed into his back. 

“It’s not a featherbed.”

“You always seemed pretty comfortable…”

“It had its bonuses,” Robert laughed. 

Aaron felt a sharp pain of jealousy in his gut and remembered how he hated that farmhand. He couldn't even remember his name, he wondered if Robert did? “I never really meant to watch...” He shook his head. 

“You saw more than I knew, didn’t you?”

“Yeah…” Aaron blushed at the memories. “It was curiosity. And the hope that if you were like me. That it was okay.”

“It was always okay for you…” Robert muttered. 

“What about for you?” he had to ask. 

“I was doing good, Aaron," he sighed. " I told people and was almost living as an out bisexual...or I was getting there. But then Vic called, and Jack was in my head...really thought I'd got him out but..." Robert shook his head. 

“You look awful,” Aaron took his hand, and Robert gripped his hand tightly enough it hurt. 

“Hospital was awful...It was bloody awful. He’s…” Robert's voice broke. "He's awful, Aaron." 

"What happened?"

“Katie tried to take up for Vic about the wedding,” Robert muttered. “He reacted how you'd expect, but..."

"What?"

"He turned it on me... Katie was asking, and he turned on it on me."

"How?"

"Wanted my opinion on ya," Robert sighed. "Said you used to follow me around, made Andy laugh..." 

Aaron rolled his eyes. 

"I just stuck up for Vic, or tried too..." Robert wiped at his nose and slumped more against the tree, his hand tightening around Aaron's even harder. 

Aaron thought he looked defeated, and he felt uneasy. 

"Katie gave up and left, Andy went with her of course, and we were alone."

"What happened."

"I...can't..." Robert stuttered and looked at him. "Aaron, you shouldn't...I wish you wouldn't find out." 

Aaron shook his head, confused. 

"Find out what?"

"What he said it was..." Robert shook his head. "I can't say it, and I can't protect you from it..."

"Hey, hey," Aaron moved, so he was facing him. "You don't need to protect me." 

"But I want too," Robert whispered and touched his face. "I want to."

"The truth will do," Aaron said. 

Robert laughed hard and bitter. 

"He's disgusting, that's the truth but..."

"What?"

"Maybe I am too..."

"No," Aaron grabbed his shoulders, one hand sliding down his back, pressing Robert toward him. "No, Robert. You're amazing."

"What?"

“You are…you’ve always been amazing,” Aaron said. “If he can’t see that…” 

“God, I don’t deserve you,” Robert breathed.

“Don’t.”

“It’s true," Robert breathed, and he tugged on Aaron’s hand, and their bodies crashed together. "I don't deserve you, and I missed ya..." Robert touched his face. “I missed ya.”

"Yeah?" Aaron asked, rubbing his hand up and down Robert's spine and looking right into stormy eyes. 

“Yeah…today...all the time I was gone..." Robert's chin wobbled, and he looked away.

“Hey…” Aaron pressed into him.

“I don’t want you going inside.”

“I told Vic.”

“I don’t care…she doesn't know what's she asking and Jack... God, he'll be awful to ya, Aaron. And I can't…” 

“It doesn’t matter what he says or does to me. I don’t care, he can’t hurt me.” 

Robert blinked, and tears fell from his eyes. "Vic?"

“I know…” Aaron kept his hand against Robert's lower back and looked up at him. "But we can't stop this, Robert. He's going to hurt Vic, all we can do is be there."

Robert sobbed and wrapped his arms around Aaron, his face falling into his neck, and he inhaled sharply, trying not to cry. Aaron tightened his hold, and Robert burrowed into him and mumbled. “I want to run.”

“I know.”

“But you’re right, I just don’t know how…I’m not as strong as you,” Robert pulled back and looked at Aaron. “I’m not.”

“You’re strong.”

“I don’t feel it…maybe I can’t. Not here...not near him.”

Aaron hugged him because there was nothing he could say, and Robert tried to burrow even deeper into him like he wanted to hide inside Aaron's skin. Aaron realized he was shaking and tried to soothe him by rubbing up and down his spine again, knowing it had worked before, but it wasn't working now, and that unsettled him further. 

“Rob…” he whispered, wishing he knew words or actions that could make the situation less unbearable. But he couldn't find them. They stayed pressed together, both desperate for the contact and both dreading having to break apart. Aaron felt it, and he sighed when his phone went off, and Robert pulled away so he could answer it. 

“Vic’s noticed my car is here,” he muttered, reading the text.

Robert groaned. 

“Maybe we should get it over with?” 

“It…” Robert wiped at his nose. “Watching Jack break Vic's heart?"

“Yeah, but she’ll know the truth.”

“How is that good?”

“She’ll understand why you’ve been gone? Why you and Jack…”

Robert paled. "No...if, she understands that... No. Her losing him isn't good..."

Aaron felt a pang of fear and jumped when his phone went off again. "We can't put it off..." He muttered. 

Robert stiffened, but he nodded. 

Aaron swallowed an apology because it felt empty. He wanted to save Vic and Robert from what would happen when he went inside, but he knew he couldn't. A part of him wanted the truth to come out. Aaron wanted the secrets to fall away, and for the Sugden's too really see Robert. And they never would unless Jack was out of the way. The truth felt the only way to accomplish that, and Aaron felt horrible for wanting it, but he looked at Robert and couldn't regret it. He knew Vic was strong, and Robert was stronger than he knew -- he'd survived so long. He had been accepting himself, he would find his way back there again. Aaron found Robert’s hand and squeezed it, offering silent reassurance and comfort. He expected Robert to let go quickly, the two of them unable to walk together into the house. 

But Robert looked at their hands and squeezed Aaron's. He let out a long breath and muttered. "Right, over with..." And he started walking, pulling Aaron with him. He set a quick pace until they were almost at the door, and Robert stopped short. Aaron squeezed Robert’s hand to offer more comfort, thinking Robert stopped to try to brace himself. But a second later, Aaron was pushed against the wall of the house.

Robert's hand was on his cheek and stared straight into Aaron's eyes. "Aaron..." He breathed and bit his lip before he bent down and kissed him. Aaron melted into it, and the world tilted sideways, and Aaron understood that the world would always tilt sideways when Robert touched him. 

“Just...I couldn’t do that at the tree. It felt wrong. You deserve all your own spaces,” Robert murmured before he pressed another soft kiss against Aaron's mouth.

"Robert..." He breathed. 

Robert ran his thumb against his cheek and let out a soft sigh and moved back enough to look fully into Aaron's eyes. Guilt was all Aaron could see. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron blinked. "What? Why?"

“For hurting you…”

“You haven’t.” 

“I will.” 

Aaron shook his head.

Robert stepped back and pulled his hand out of Aaron's grasp, and he watched a mask slide over Robert's face. It hardened all the edges of his face and made him look older and beaten down. _Jack’s winning,_ Aaron thought and wished he hadn't. It made him want to reach out and grab Robert. To yank the armor off of him. But he couldn’t, and he watched Robert walk inside the house from where he stood. He wiped at his eyes and counted to ten before bracing himself and stepping inside the house himself. 

The first thing he saw and heard was Vic. 

“That is what I do,” Vic whined and slammed Robert on the chest. “Aaron, tell him to tell me the real lemonade recipe.”

“What?”

She held out the glass she was holding. “I’ve been trying to make it taste like this for ages?”

He took a swallow and was transported back in time, and it was perfect. It was a taste he’d been chasing too, wherever he ordered a lemonade, something was always off about it. He looked at Robert. 

Robert rolled his eyes. “I just make it like Mum, Vic. You have the recipe.”

“It doesn’t work for me.”

“Well, then you’re doing something wrong.”

“Or you and her aren’t sharing a secret,” Vic said and poked Robert in the chest. 

Robert shook his head. 

Vic grinned and turned back to Aaron. “That is mine,” she said and grabbed the glass. “Pour yourself your own.”

Aaron laughed and made his way over to the pitcher. He felt Robert move with him, but they kept a distance between them. Glancing back, Aaron saw Vic join Adam in the living room. The rest of the family was there, circled around Jack. He sat in the center of the living room in his chair, the quilt that was usually thrown over the couch around his legs. Everyone seemed to be chatting and smiling -- like it was just any family gathering. 

That was until Jack glanced toward the kitchen, and he and Aaron's eyes locked, and Aaron felt the hate. Jack wasn't going to attempt to hide it any longer. Everything was out in the open, and Aaron was looking at a man who despised him. But the worst part of it all was he recognized the expression because he'd seen it aimed at Robert more than once. Jack's eyes moved left as Aaron thought it, and he saw Jack's lips press together as he took in how close Robert stood to him. 

Robert tensed and whispered. "I'm sorry."

Aaron wanted to reach out and take his hand, but he knew it'd just make everything worse. He watched Jack stand up, the quilt falling to the floor as he did so and his family around him, attempting to order him to sit back down. But he stepped over the quilt and into the kitchen in long and confident strides, and he seemed large and looming. Jack Sugden was a presence, and Aaron felt his breath hitch and frustration was heavy in his chest. 

Jack didn't stop until he was a nose to nose with Robert and Aaron realized they'd been standing closer than he realized. “Did you bring that boy here?” Jack barked.

"Dad..." Vic's voice sounded far away, and Aaron glanced over. She was teetering on the invisible line between the kitchen and living room. Her eyes were wide and worried. 

Jack held up a hand to silence her and keep her at bay. Aaron watched it work and hated he felt trapped in it himself. 

“What if I did?” Robert snapped, loudly

“But…” Vic muttered, but it trailed off because Jack waved his hand again.

Jack leaned even closer to Robert and held his gaze. Aaron glanced between them felt punched by the unease and fear he caught in Robert's expression against the stubborn hatred that shone in Jack's. It was palpable, and things were being said between them in the hard silence that Aaron didn't understand. The air was hissing with it, and Aaron felt panic start to rush in his veins. 

"Are you going to do it, boy?" Jack asked his voice low enough that only the three of them could hear it. "Now is your chance."

"Jack..." Robert cringed as his voice broke, and Aaron noticed he was looking at Vic over his father's shoulder and not at his father. 

Jack laughed at Robert and nodded his head. "You were always a coward, boy...knew you didn't have it in you." 

Robert's eyes flicked to his father, and his face hardened, but then it flew back to Vic, and he deflated and pressed himself against the counter behind him, trying to run from Jack without having the space to. Aaron fought the impulse to reach out to him, the need to comfort him surging through him, and he bit his lip to stop himself from doing something to remind Robert of his strength because Jack was succeeding in making Robert think he was weak. 

Suddenly, Jack's hard stare was on Aaron and he felt himself stand straighter. He would not give Jack an inch, but he couldn't help looking at Vic, still standing just inside the kitchen looking confused and scared herself. 

Jack leaned closer and spoke in the same low whispered he'd used on Robert. "It’s not your fault, boy… it was that pervert father of yours... And him.” Jack’s eyes flitted to Robert. “They messed you up, put you on the wrong path.” 

Aaron reeled back into the counter from the shock and anger flooded him. He narrowed his eyes at Jack, shook his head, and wished he could find words. But he was too disgusted. Not at Jack blaming his father, he'd done the same thing when he'd been younger and hadn't known better. But Robert? Jack was blaming Robert for him being gay. Jack was making some sort of twisted situation where Robert was to blame for all of this? Aaron felt sick, and that was what fell out of his mouth. "You're sick."

Jack just shook his head and stepped backward before speaking in a louder voice, no longer hiding things from the rest of the family. “You're no longer allowed in this house, boy. Leave.” 

“Dad, No, please...." Vic was in the kitchen now and getting between her father and Aaron. "Please. It's Aaron, he's family."

"That boy is not family. It's my own fault for allowing you to be friends with a Dingle... They're all messed up, and he's the worst of them. It's not his fault, I'll give him that, but as long as he chooses....that path," Jack spat it out. "He's not welcome near you or my home."

"But..." Vic stared at him and looked at Aaron, Robert, and back at her father. Adam walked around Jack and grabbed her hand. 

"Jack," Adam said. "He's our brother, our best friend. Aaron's always been there for us, he's family."

"He's not family," Jack spat. 

"But..." Vic's voice broke. "You nearly died, and Aaron's been there for us...like always. You know Aaron, you know he's a good bloke, Dad."

"He's a Dingle, and he's a pervert."

"JACK," Katie and Diane shouted as Vic's face fell, and her shoulders slumped in the same defeated way as Robert's. She wiped at her eyes and turned toward Robert. 

"Rob?" She cried, and Aaron watched him grab his sister into a tight hug, his chin landing the top of her head and holding her tight. Aaron watched Robert's chin wobble, and he glanced at Aaron. His eyes were full of guilt, and he closed his eyes, and Aaron wondered if it was to try to hide it from him. 

“I’m sorry,” Robert muttered. “I’m so sorry, Vic.” 

“No, no,” Vic pushed away from Robert and shook her head. Then she turned toward her father, and Aaron looked away when he saw the truth hit Vic. She didn't know her own father, not as well as she believed. He wasn't really the man she believed would always protect her. He looked away and hated the piece of him that had wanted her to see the truth. 

"Victoria, you are better off without him. Andy and Katie will stand up for you and Adam at the wedding." 

"I don't even know you," Vic whispered, and then she ran. She ran out of the house, the door slamming behind her. Aaron started after her on instinct, but Adam stopped him, and he nodded at his best mate. He understood they needed to be alone in this. 

“Jack…” Diane’s voice was loud. “Maybe, we should discuss this...”

“Woman, it is the end of the discussion.”

“You heard him,” Andy said. “Aaron, you should leave.”

“Yes, he should,” Jack barked. 

But Aaron was focused on Robert and wished he could look away. Because it hurt Aaron's heart to see him. Robert was focused on the door, where his little sister had fled her own home in pain. He looked stricken and guilty, and a lot like the little boy he'd watched cry as he begged Aaron not tell. He'd begged Aaron desperately to keep it secret Jack leathered him for kissing a boy. The memory was vivid now because the pained and frightened look on Robert's face was the same. He was lost, scared, and guilty about things he shouldn't be. It made Aaron ache to touch him, ache to fix it, and that made it worse because he couldn't... 

“What are you waiting for, boy?” Jack yelled, making both Aaron and Robert jump. 

“Jack…” Katie and Diane said, and Aaron really wondered what they thought that would do? 

"I want him gone," Jack snapped, glaring at both his sons before he stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs. 

"Aaron really should go," Andy said, speaking for the first time since everything started. 

“Always his little lackey,” Robert said, but it didn't hold half the usual venom. 

“You may as well go too,” Andy snapped back. "You're not helping."

"I'm not," Robert shouted, but then he deflated again and looked like he believed it. 

"Let's go," Aaron said, using Andy's words as an excuse to get them both out of the house. He allowed himself to step closer to Robert but pulled his sleeves over his hands so he wouldn't take Robert's in them. 

Robert met his eyes and nodded so minutely that Aaron nearly missed it. His face looked blank, but Aaron thought his eyes looked wild. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to hold him. Instead, he walked out of the door and realized he held breathe until he felt Robert on his heels. 

The relief faded quickly because he could barely cope with how awful it went, and he wasn't even sure if it was worse than he imagined it because living it and seeing it coming were two different things. He felt like he was shaking and stopped short between his and Robert's cars and felt Robert bump into him. He reached back and tried to grab Robert's hand, but arms slide around from behind, and Robert's face pressed down against his shoulder. And he could feel Robert shaking and felt a flood of rage toward Jack. 

"Follow me to the B & B," Robert murmured in a small voice. 

Aaron shook his head and twisted around in the hug and pulled Robert into him. "You're too upset to drive, you're shaking."

"I want to hate him," Robert whispered. 

"I do," Aaron said. 

Robert huffed out a breath. "You drive."

Aaron nodded and turned to open his passenger for Robert. He closed the door and walked around the car and tried to calm his own heartbeat. The only thing he could do right now was try to get Robert through it all. Try to help Robert deal with Vic losing her father. Because there was no going back, maybe Vic would forgive Jack, but it would never be the same -- and Aaron hated how it was breaking Robert. 

"Alright?" he asked as he got into the car and rolled his eyes at the stupidity of the question. 

He made a sound that was trying to be a laugh and shook his head. 

"Sorry,' Aaron mumbled and glanced over at him.

Robert kept his head bent down and pulled on his seatbelt, his hands visibly shaking. Aaron waited a bit for him to look at him, but it never came. Robert shifted as he secured the belt, and expression looked lost and guilty. 

"Robert?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered. 

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Aaron muttered and started the car. 

"Maybe I do," Robert muttered and looked away.

Something in his tone unsettled Aaron, but he refused to let it stop him from reaching forward and offering Robert comfort. As he pulled onto the main road back to the village, he reached out and put his hand on Robert's thigh. He half expected Robert to shove him off because he'd seen the look on his face before. It was the look when he muttered about burying things and gave into the idea his father was right. Aaron hated it, but he soothed his hand up Robert's thigh when it wasn't knocked away and let out a breath when Robert's hand curled around his and kept him there. 

**

Robert

Aaron's hand on his thigh felt like permission to breathe, but he wondered when he’d stopped. He closed his eyes and remembered kissing Aaron outside the door. Needing to hold Aaron’s face in his hands and look into his eyes and feel like he could live there for the rest of his life. His home. One he didn’t deserve. It was after he made himself let go of Aaron and step inside that he stopped breathing because he’d taken one look at his sister’s smiling face and felt sick about what he was about to allow. 

Her smile had been bright as she teased him about keeping something out of their mum’s lemonade recipe. Her grin almost seemed too wide, and all Robert could see was a lamb right before slaughter. Innocence about to be malevolently blindsided. 

His father was ill-intended, there was no getting around that.

Robert shuddered and grabbed hold of Aaron’s hand, knowing he didn’t deserve to hold it or feel the reassuring strength that was being offered. Not when he was right back there, nose to nose with Jack and being called a coward. His father knew, after all, that Robert wasn’t strong. That he was weak and all his talk about telling the family the truth about the leathering was an empty threat. 

Robert hadn’t even tried to speak the truth, all he had done was let Jack pin him with hate-filled eyes and blame him for Aaron — Robert felt sick as he heard it again, his father’s little theory that it was Gordon and his own actions that tricked poor Aaron onto the wrong path. Robert shuddered and wondered when and how he’d been so awful his father could compare him to a pedophile. It was sick, and it was twisted, and Robert felt like he failed Aaron by allowing Jack to speak it in his presence. 

He failed them both. Vic and Aaron, the only two people alive who meant anything to him. Who meant everything to him. His heart hammered, and his breath was loud in ears, and it felt like he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. It reminded him of his last few weeks living in Emmerdale when he was still going through the motions of being Jack Sugden’s son. The place felt suffocating, and he’d felt trapped and ready to run, but he’d kept telling himself to stay for Vic… though it got more and more flimsy of an excuse. Because he was selfish and because there was nothing more to do but to run…

From Jack.

From their secrets.

From himself.

Aaron squeezed his hand and moved both their hands up down and down Robert’s thigh and offering him comfort and grounding that Robert craved but knew he wasn’t deserving of. He wanted to run. He needed to run, he felt it in the way his chest hurt when he tried to breathe in too deep. He couldn’t relax, and he couldn’t think about Vic without the threat of tears stinging his eyes. He felt his chin wobble and willed himself to not cry. But it wasn’t easy because his father was far from done when it came to hurting Vic. 

Her heart was already broken, Robert watched it happen over his father’s shoulder as Jack spewed his vile opinions about Aaron’s choices in regards to his childhood trauma. He’d watched her feel disgusted by it too, but the worst part was her surprise at how vile Jack sounded. He watched the shock bloom on her face and rip away her smile as the shock faded into heartache. And he ached for her, but he hadn’t even tried to run after her. He felt thankful for Adam for not letting her go off alone to deal with seeing the ugly truth about their father. 

But she still didn’t know everything, and Robert knew that meant she couldn’t give up on Jack. That she wouldn’t give up on Jack, because he knew she’d never given up him — even though he thought she should. Vic didn’t give up on her family. She should give up on them both, neither of them were worthy of her. Him especially. Because he knew what Jack was and yet a part of him wished for his father. He wished for Jack to accept him and love him without condition. It was always there in the back of his heart, and he wished he could turn it off because it was impossible. He would never be accepted by Jack. 

He wasn’t sure why he couldn’t let it go… maybe it was just how it was with parents and children. Aaron thought if he told the truth, it would help him let go — and maybe that was true. Maybe if he said it out loud to someone who wasn’t him, his father, or Aaron, it would set him free. But he thought about how Vic’s eyes had gone from shiny to dull the more Jack spoke to Aaron. He’d watched his sister heart crack, and he knew he was too much of a coward to make it crack further. 

He wanted to keep the secret. He wanted to bury the leathering. Maybe speaking of it would destroy Jack… But he felt a stab of doubt because no one believed him. No one ever took his side when it came to Jack Sugden. Wouldn’t he just be blamed for it? It didn’t matter that he had a witness in Aaron because everyone always thought the worse of him, and maybe he deserved it. 

But Vic didn’t…and she might believe him, and it’d rip away another parent from her. Jack was already hurting her, he’d already fallen from the pedestal she held him on, and it would never be undone. Why hurt her more? Enough pain was already out in the open.

Maybe in time, his family would see that Jack couldn’t change, that this was an unfixable flaw in the great Jack Sugden. Maybe over time, it would dawn on them all that he wasn’t the great upstanding man the village believed in and honored. Maybe Robert wouldn’t have to say anything. 

Aaron squeezed his hand again, and guilt rocked Robert back into his seat. He closed his eyes and returned the gesture and wished he deserved to take comfort in it. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to just focus on Aaron. It was simpler wasn’t it than letting his thoughts run wild about his and Jack’s messed up relationship. Robert felt Aaron’s callouses and the combined heat of their skin as they held on tightly onto each other. Neither wanting to let go, Robert could feel that from Aaron that he needed the touch as much as Robert. The only difference was Aaron deserved the comfort. He shook his head and focused on their connection. On their hands. Robert loved how they fit together. In a way, it felt impossible, it felt unreal. The way he loved Aaron was both new and old. Because he hadn’t known Aaron was what his heart was missing, and now that he did — he wondered how he had breathed without him. It felt like they’d been like this forever and not only a week. Robert closed his eyes and focused on listening to Aaron's breathing instead of worrying about his own. He leaned toward the driver's side, their arms pressing together, and when he opened his eyes he was staring at Aaron’s perfect profile. 

_Home._

It was a feeling bigger than him. Bigger than Aaron. Maybe even bigger than Jack — though insecurity ate at Robert and told him not to believe in it. Suddenly, he felt the overwhelming sense of belonging to Aaron, and it hurt. It ached because he’d already let Aaron down, and he was going to do it again. Because he wanted to run. He wanted to keep the truth about the leathering a secret — and the only way to do that was to not tell Vic the truth about him. 

_You don’t deserve him._

Robert pulled his hand free, and he flinched when he saw Aaron tense at the loss of contact. In seconds he was staring into blue eyes so full of worry it stabbed him in the chest. Robert felt horrible and disgusted with himself. It made him want to reach for Aaron's hand, but he didn’t. He thought he should look away, too, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. And Aaron stared at him for as long as he could before having to glance back at the road. 

The loss made Robert feel empty, and he remembered suddenly what it was like without Aaron. And he nearly reached out to grab him again. He felt the pull of it, it was overwhelmingly strong, and there was a voice in his head he couldn’t place, but it was screaming. _He is your home._

He wanted to trust that voice, and he wished it was louder than Jack’s. He wished it was louder than his own because it echoed Jack's condemnations. Robert wished he knew how to be himself in Emmerdale. He wished he knew how to be who he was meant to be near his family. Because wasn't that what people deserved? Was he people? Could he deserve to say the truth? Could he deserve Aaron…

He sighed.

"You can talk to me, you know," Aaron said.

"I know.” 

Aaron gave him a look.

"She looked... She looked at him like he was a stranger."

"He is," Aaron said.

"He's her dad..." Robert sighed, and Aaron echoed it. 

"Doesn't mean he's good for her," he hissed at Robert, and their eyes met, and Aaron’s point was clear. _He’s bad for you, Robert._

The inside of the car fell silent, and Robert tried to see it from Aaron’s point of view. Tried to humor the idea he deserved better than Jack. That maybe he deserved Aaron, and if he told the truth, he wouldn’t destroy Vic’s world — but he lost his mum and his dad — as much as parts of him fought the latter. He didn’t want to cause Vic more pain, more grief. It was something that broke you. He was broken, and he wasn’t sure even Aaron could fix it. 

Aaron pulled into a spot behind the Bed and Breakfast and glanced at Robert as he turned off the car. Robert felt pain at how unsure, lost, and young Aaron appeared in that second. He bit his lip and glanced at the building. "Do you want..." 

"Yes.” Robert felt desperate to keep Aaron with him. He couldn’t send him away. He needed him with him for as long as possible…. _Home,_ the softer voice in his head argued. _It’s forever_ , it whispered. But Robert felt too cynical and broken to believe it could be real, that it could be true. He knew he didn’t deserve Aaron, not after tonight — not when he had the chance to tell everyone, and he bottled it. 

He breathed out in relief at Robert’s yes, and guilt rushed Robert, and the need to touch Aaron became impossible to ignore. He yanked Aaron into him and kissed him. He meant for it to be soft and quick, he meant to reassure himself that Aaron was his — at least for the moment. But Aaron sighed into the kiss like he was just as desperate for reassurance, and their connection flared. Everything felt bright suddenly, and Robert’s body hummed with it, and the thought of living without Aaron felt foreign and impossible. For a few brief seconds, he soared with happiness and the certainty that Aaron was his…

But they broke apart for breath, and it let the fear in. It laced through Robert that losing Aaron was an inevitability. He would sabotage it with his cowardice and weakness. It stopped him from breathing for a second. Aaron tried to catch his gaze, but he was afraid of what Aaron might see, so he pulled further away. He tried to ignore that Aaron's face fell and that he started to chew his lip.

"Let's get inside,” Aaron said after a second.

"Yeah..." Robert hated how empty he felt. They walked toward his room, side by side, but with too much space between them. It felt miles wide to Robert, and he couldn’t help but remember that Aaron hated secrets. He understood why, how could he not knowing Aaron’s past and the good person he was — Robert always knew Aaron’s kindness. Of course, he hated secrets. Robert wasn't sure he liked secrets, but they were in his blood. He wondered if he could recognize himself without them? He wondered if he existed without them? They were such a part of his life, he barely thought before he lied… 

_You don’t deserve him._

He opened the door to his room, and they both walked in. He pulled off the suit jacket he was wearing and tugged top buttons loose, it felt tight by his throat. Aaron sat down on the bed, his sleeves pulled over his hands, and watched him. Robert was struck by how young he looked again and by how worried he looked. Worried about him? Worried about them? 

Robert couldn't blame him because he understood. Given their connection and their history, Aaron knew Robert’s weaknesses, he knew his biggest fears. Aaron knew his pain, and he knew Robert wasn’t good with facing the truth. Robert sighed and sat down next to Aaron and toed off his shoes. 

"Text Vic?" he asked.

"You can do it?"

"It'd mean more from you,” Robert said. “Please, I’m worried.”

"No, it wouldn't," Aaron argued, but he pulled out his phone. But then he deflated. "I hate feeling like it's my fault…” 

"It's not,” Robert said quickly. “You know that. It’s not,” he repeated, knowing it was his fault. 

“I know…” Aaron shook his head. “It’s hard not to feel somewhat responsible…”

“I’m…” Robert lost his voice, unable to find the words to apologize for the things Jack said. “It’s not your fault.”

“No. It’s Jack’s,” Aaron said and caught Robert’s gaze, sharp blue eyes telling him the truth. Robert wished he could believe him. 

“I don't know what to say?" Aaron said a second later, his fingers over his touch screen. 

Robert shrugged because it felt like he had too much to say. To Aaron. To Vic. To himself. His head felt heavy with it all. 

"I'll go with stupid," Aaron laughed, and Robert watched him type: _How are you, yeah I know, dumb question._

They stared at the screen of Aaron's phone for a good minute, and Robert wasn't sure how to take her lack of response. He just hoped Adam was proving worthy of her, and keeping her from falling apart. He felt on the verge of falling apart himself. He sighed and fell backward on the bed and felt his heart jump in relief when Aaron followed suit, their arms and legs touching. He could feel Aaron's body heat and their joined weight on the mattress. Something about it was comforting. But it wasn't helping him focus, or rather it wasn't stopping him from overthinking everything. His eyes fell on some cobwebs on the ceiling. "Think they'd take care of that," he muttered out loud because it was inconsequential. 

Aaron made a noise, and he felt their hands slide together. Just a touch from Aaron and Robert was threading their fingers, needing to link them together. "You don't have to make chatter,” Aaron said.

"I know." Robert turned his head and fell into blue eyes. He didn't want to look away, ever, he thought, and he shifted, so they were even closer. Aaron's eyes were his home, and he wanted to keep him. Suddenly Jack was back in his head, not that he'd gone far, but he managed to find some small comfort with Aaron. Just being with Aaron calmed the rage of emotions in his head. But it couldn't keep them at bay for long because Aaron was part of the turmoil. 

Did he deserve him? How could Aaron really love him? Was it all too fast? They reunited a week ago, and they were already thinking about forever? Robert swallowed over a sudden lump. That couldn't happen if he wasn't honest with Aaron. He hated lies, and he hated secrets, and right now, Robert was keeping something from him. It felt wrong, and he felt twitchy in his skin and focused back in on Aaron's eyes. Eyes he'd shared secrets with without even speaking in the past, eyes that were always kind and honest and let Robert in -- he inhaled sharply as a realization hit him. He was a liar, he'd lied to everyone one in his life, important or not, but not Aaron. 

He'd never lied to Aaron. 

He couldn't start now. He blinked and tears fell. 

"Hey," Aaron's hand was on his face. "What is it?"

"I don't want to keep things from ya," Robert whispered. "I asked you to be honest, so I should..." He trailed off the fear he felt surprising him. He expected it, but it felt harder than he expected. It felt like the moment he told Aaron the truth, something was going to irrevocably shift between them. But he couldn't turn back because Aaron was his secret keeper, and that meant Robert told the truth. Even if it felt monumental and against his nature. 

But it was right. 

"Robert," Aaron's voice was in his ear. He'd moved closer, and his hand was strong and sure against Robert's spine. He closed his eyes and knew he loved this habit, this gesture between them. The comfort and the solid promise of being there. Robert needed it, but in the moment he was terrified of losing it and felt the impulse to bottle it. But the idea of lying to Aaron felt too big. It felt fundamentally wrong. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I threatened Jack."

"You what?"

"At the hospital. I threatened him, I wanted to blackmail him into letting you be there for Vic's wedding. I told him to let you go to the wedding or..." Robert's voice wobbled and his chin with it, but he pressed forward. "I threatened to tell Vic and the rest of them about...It..the...the leathering."

"Shit." Aaron's hand pressed harder into Robert's back, and Robert leaned into it and closed his eyes as he tried to brace himself to say the rest of it.

"Wait..." Aaron said. "Is that...that's what Jack meant when he mentioned now was your chance?" 

"Yeah...and he called me a coward. He was right too, I knew I wouldn't do it... Even when I was threatening him, I knew it was just a ploy -- I was just trying to see if he was afraid of people finding out about me. But...he knew I was bluffing."

"Robert, you're not..."

"What?" Robert turned to look at Aaron, and he felt hated the soft and understanding look on his face. "Don't say I'm not a coward, Aaron. We both know I am."

"No, I don't know that," Aaron snapped. "You're scared, Robert, there's a difference."

"Maybe it's a fine line, but I can't tell... I can't do it to Vic. He gutted her enough tonight."

"It's not just Vic it'll gut..." Aaron's voice was low.

Robert shook his head.

Aaron's hand rose up his spine, but instead of dragging back down, his fingers toyed with the hair on the nape of his neck. Robert closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the sensation. 

"The secret isn't really about what Jack did, Rob." 

He inhaled sharply. 

"It's about why he did it."

In that instant, Robert was fifteen again, and he felt Mark's hands on his ribs and his mouth on his neck. Felt their bodies moving together and how it all felt so right. Until his door slammed and everything ended. "Stop..." He whispered.

"It's not too late to do it," Aaron said. "You can still tell her."

"No..." It was a whine, and he hated himself for it. "I can't do that to Vic."

"He's hurting her anyway and this... It could help you both."

"Help?" Robert looked at Aaron and sighed. "How will it help? Vic loses another parent, and I..."

"You've been carrying your secrets to long...you deserve your sister back. Don't let him take her from you."

"I can't...' Robert shook his head and twisted so he could face Aaron. He needed to see him, he needed to look into his eyes and touch him. He breathed out in relief when Aaron's hands landed on him in return, and their foreheads crashed together. They both inhaled. 

"He doesn't deserve your protection."

"I know, but..."

"Rob," Aaron tightened his hold on him. 

"But how do I tell Vic her father is..." Robert looked away from Aaron for a second, trying to find the words he needed, wondering if someone could voice the jumble of fear and insecurity rushing through him. When he looked back up at Aaron there was something chillingly familiar about his expression. It was twisted up with worry, uncertainty, and fear... and Robert fell through time again. He was fifteen and looking at an eleven-year-old Aaron as he pleaded with him to stay quiet. Robert felt sick with it as bits of that night came flying back to him, and the word monster echoed from his past into now. 

He gripped onto Aaron and sought out his eyes. He needed to feel it, the jolt of deep recognition that flared between them. The knowledge they belonged together. He relaxed in a second as it wrapped around him, and he closed his eyes and drank in strength from it, but he wasn't sure it was enough…

"How can I tell her Jack's...a monster," he somehow managed to whisper.

"By telling yourself."

He tensed up and twisted himself away from Aaron. He couldn't look at him as all his fear and pain curled up inside of him. Robert needed to disappear, he was panicked, and when he panicked, he ran. The impulse was strong, and he was on his feet and pacing the room. It was too small, and he felt trapped, and he looked outside, and his brain started to make plans to drive back to London. But they'd left his car at the farm, and he swore under his breath. He needed out, he couldn't breathe here, he couldn't be in Emmerdale, he didn’t belong here. There was nothing keeping him…

Aaron. 

Robert turned back to the bed and felt heartbreak when their eyes met. Aaron sat on the edge of the bed, playing with the hem of the sleeve that was covering up his hand. He was chewing on his lip, and he looked dejected. He looked afraid and his eyes looked dull with sadness. Robert knew it was on him, all the pain he saw it was all his fault. It was what he did… and he hated it. He could fix it though, he could fix this….he could fix it. "Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" 

"You'll leave Emmerdale, for me?"

Hurt flickered in Aaron's eyes, and he shook his head slightly. 

"Please, Aaron" Robert rushed forward and dropped to his knees in front of Aaron. He put his hands Aaron's thighs, and he peered up at him. "Please. We belong together, we do, I know you feel it too. It’s too strong, I can’t be without you anymore…but I can’t be here. Promise…promise me you'll leave with me?"

"I..." Aaron pulled his lower lip into his mouth, and slowly he put his hands on Robert’s shoulders, but there was no squeeze, and Robert started to fear the worse, but Aaron spoke his tone careful, “After the wedding."

Robert sighed in disappointment, and he hated himself for it. It wasn’t the answer he wanted, and he knew what he wanted was unfair. But it felt like the only way, but he looked in Aaron's eyes and saw pain and hurt -- and he knew he put it there. He wasn’t good, he didn’t deserve Aaron, and maybe he was better off without Robert. The voice buzzing in his head was yelling at him to run, leave, and he tried to see himself doing it without Aaron. But he couldn’t, even knowing Aaron might be better off. He couldn’t. He was too selfish. He needed Aaron. He sighed and let his head fall onto Aaron's lap and wrapped his arms around Aaron, seeking comfort that he didn’t think he deserved. 

“Are you staying?" Aaron whispered with a shaky voice. 

"I can't leave without you."

Aaron exhaled, and a hand slipped from Robert’s shoulder to his spine. "Tell her, Rob."

"Aaron..." His voice sounded choked. 

"She should know... You need her to know."

Robert wished it didn’t terrify him, and that fear made him shake his head.

"She'll put it together anyway when you tell her about us."

Robert averted his gaze away from Aaron because he wasn't ready to tell her. 

Aaron sighed, and his frustration was clear.

"You said you wouldn't push," Robert whispered. "I can't right now, too much is going on... I'll do it someday, Aaron, but..."

Aaron pushed Robert away and stood up. "I can't..."

"Aaron," he pleaded. 

"I can't, Robert."

"It'll happen, Aaron, someday. But don't force this now..." Robert begged. "Please. I..."

"You're already one foot out the door," Aaron hissed.

"I won't leave without you."

"But you won't tell Vic you're with me? You won't tell her your bisexual."

"I....can't... Especially now..."

"She needs to know about Jack, Robert. She needs to know about you... You need to let go of the pain and self-hatred and admit Jack abused you."

"It's not that easy."

Aaron sighed. "I can't do this..."

"What? Us?" Robert shook his head. "Aaron, you've got to understand..."

"No..." Aaron sighed. "You're messed up, he messed you up -- I get it. I do understand. But you... It’s like you need to keep it a secret, a part of you is still trying to hang on to a father that hates you... And it's unfair, and I get not being to completely let it go... But Rob, you deserve to stop carrying it with you. You deserve to be yourself...I wish you could see it. I wish you could see how amazing you are and how wrong Jack is..."

Robert closed his eyes and wished Aaron was wrong. He wished he didn't care about what Jack thought about him. He wished he could get Jack's voice out of his head, but he didn't know how to let it go and closed his eyes, and shook his head. "Aaron, I can’t…”

"You can, but…” Aaron sighed. “I just…I can't, Rob, I can't do it..."

"Do what? Be with me?" Fear made him feel cold.  
  
"Lie about us," Aaron said. "I know I said I wouldn't push, and I really don't expect you to do it right now... I don't. But I need more than someday, Robert. I need something concrete. A month from now? Two? I don't think I can keep quiet longer than that…not about us. Rob, can you?"

"Aaron..." He wanted to crawl out of his skin. The fear of telling the truth about himself to his sister felt crushing. It was too close to the whole truth, the real reason he was thrown out of the house. The real reason he and Jack would never get along. His sister wasn't dumb, and Aaron was right -- he didn't want to give up to the last tiny bit of hope Jack could come around. And outing him would extinguish it. 

"No?" Aaron asked.

Robert wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t. 

Aaron deflated at his silence, and he looked away. 

"Can't someday be enough..." Robert pleaded. 

"No...cause I can't, I can't keep us a secret, Rob... I won't, I can't keep loving you a secret!" 

"Oh..." Robert breathed out too stunned by Aaron saying it, saying what it was he felt every time he got lost in Aaron’s eyes. 

Aaron watched him for a moment like he was waiting for Robert to say something. Robert wished he knew words that might work, but he couldn't say anything Aaron wanted to hear. Aaron sighed, and the sound was painful to his ears, and his eyes widened as Aaron stepped closer. 

“Aaron…” he tried to make his name mean everything.

Aaron shook his head before he leaned up and kissed Robert’s cheek. “I’m gonna go home.”

Robert choked on a sob, and a blink later Aaron was gone. "You're my home," he whispered too late. 

**

Robert

The water was cold, but Robert barely felt it, he just stood numb under the spray and wished he knew how to make the right choices. _Right?_ Could he do it? He'd thought he was in London, but it'd just had been pretend because it was in a vacuum. He wasn't here, in Emmerdale, and in Jack's sight. His father's grim mouth and dark eyes condemning him. The echoes of shouts telling him he was lacking, he was sick, he was twisted, he was a coward, he was wrong… It echoed and echoed, along with the thwack from the belt.

Robert shut his eyes tighter and tried to shove Jack to the back of his mind. Into the box where he'd locked him up and kept him at bay. But it was impossible to do it in Emmerdale because it was Jack's domain. He had all the power. Being wrong was his legacy, making the selfish choice was his go to…it was all Robert knew, wasn't it? He'd let Jack call his bluff last night, he'd let Jack under his skin again, he let his fear push Aaron away. 

He sniffed hard and blinked against tears. The right choices felt unfathomable to him. Did he even know what they were? He flashed to his keychain, the bi flag that hung from his rearview mirror. He'd been proud of himself for putting it there. For opening himself up to be seen — so what if it was strangers. It felt huge at the time, but now it felt like nothing Nothing. Maybe he shouldn't have torn it down and hidden it. Maybe if he'd been strong enough to keep it plain sight, he could breathe now. 

Maybe he wouldn't feel unworthy of Aaron, and like all his choices since coming home were wrong-footed and motivated by fear, he should be strong enough to fight. He almost wished he'd never stepped foot back here, but he couldn't regret finding Aaron. His Aaron. But Aaron felt like he was slipping through his fingers. It seemed almost inevitable that only seconds after he'd found his home, he may have burned it down — everything good in his life always burned down.

He didn't know what to do, and he swallowed a sob and knocked his head against the shower wall and felt his head slip against the wet tile, and it felt like proof he'd let Aaron down. He'd known he would the other day standing in the hospital, and he hadn't even tried to fight against it. He let Jack win, and all he wanted to do was run away… He could only survive if he was far away from his childhood. He couldn't be strong here, he saw no way to be strong. Robert wished he knew the words to tell himself to be strong. He wanted to be strong. 

Nothing came to him, so he shut off the water with a shake of his head.

The impulse to leave Emmerdale still burned under his skin, but he couldn't leave, not without Aaron. His life had been empty, it'd been days and days of motions and no real living. There was no living without Aaron, there was no him without Aaron… He laughed because he was too scared to be with Aaron, but he was nothing without him. What was going to give? He only cared about two living souls in the world, Aaron and his sister. No one else mattered, he barely mattered, but they did… But he was afraid to tell his sister the truth and Aaron… Aaron needed the truth.

Robert felt another wave of sickness last night coming back to him and Vic's heartbreaking expression before she'd run out of the house. He wondered if she ever texted Aaron back? Was she alright? Had Adam proved his worth and dried her tears well enough? He grabbed the towel and managed to step out of the shower and into the room. He shivered a bit at the air on his cold, wet skin and went to his luggage. He'd never bothered to unpack, and looking at his clothes, he heard Aaron's voice clear as a bell. It was broken and higher than usual as Aaron shouted that Robert was already half way out of Emmerdale. 

It was no wonder he'd begged Robert for some confirmation that he mattered enough that Robert wouldn't keep them a secret forever. He wanted that too, didn't he? He tensed at the thought and took a breath. His fear response was loud but worse, it was comfortable. But the answer was yes, he knew it was yes, he loved Aaron… He'd fallen hard and fast. He wasn't turning back on it now, not when he looked into Aaron's eyes and felt at home. But the fear won out, and he stayed silent. Robert kicked himself for it, kicked himself for muttering _someday_ over and over. In his head, he'd been trying to imagine telling Vic, but he couldn't manage it. He couldn't see himself telling Vic the truth about him because it was asking him to reveal too much. 

It was too wrapped up in Jack. He was already ruining the happiest time of his sister's life with his homophobia toward Aaron. But what really cut into Robert was Jack blaming him for Aaron. He hated how deep it hurt that Jack could still shred him up into pieces. What had he done that made Jack see him as so awful? So twisted and sick? It was hard to keep it from getting under his skin, and he hated the part of him that fought against just purely hating Jack. It'd be easier to bear if he could just hate him. For a while, he thought he succeed but one second back in his presence, and it was just another lie…he wanted to make it true, didn't he? But it felt like he wasn't capable of ending it. 

He could end it because it wasn't Jack who held all the cards. No, he just held a piece of Robert's heart hostage. But he could excise it, couldn't he? Telling the truth could loosen the hold. He could stop protecting Jack, and maybe that would lead to him not believing Jack's view of him. He wasn't sick, he wasn't twisted, he wasn't wrong… 

_You’re not._

Why was it so hard to believe that voice? It was the voice that told him Aaron was home… It was real, it held power, but he felt trapped in fear. And it might make him lose Aaron. Jack's voice echoed in his head again. _Coward_. It was true because he'd let Aaron walk away last night out of pure terror of the truth and the pain that would come with it. That was failure. That wasn't making the right choices. But he felt at a loss of how to push through the terror to fight to tell the truth.

Robert was used to secrets and lies. 

Robert got dressed and picked up the phone to call a cab. He needed his car, he felt trapped without it. But he might feel trapped with it too because he couldn't leave Emmerdale. Not without Aaron. It didn't matter to Robert he'd walked away last night. Robert knew they weren't done, he felt in his bones. He understood he'd pushed Aaron to it, and that he left to breathe. He should have stopped him, Robert wished he'd stopped him, but he hadn't known how without telling Aaron what he wanted to hear, but it would've been lies. And he wouldn't lie to Aaron. Not Aaron, he'd earned Robert's absolute trust. 

_He’s home._

_Hold onto him, don’t let go._

The soft voice in the back of his head implored him, it whispered for him to come clean. To do what Aaron wanted him to and find Vic and tell her about him at the very least. Maybe there was hope she wouldn't put it together with Jack's actions toward him. He tensed with fear and heard the louder voice in his head, condemning him for even thinking about hurting Vic further. Because there was no way, his sister didn't add two plus two. He couldn't hold onto the hope it might take her a while. And it would hurt her. She was probably out there right now optimistically, hoping that someday her father would learn the error of his ways. 

She wouldn't give up on Jack, not easily anyway. Robert laughed, it was bitter and painful. His chest hurt because he'd been leathered, and a piece of him wouldn't give up on Jack. It always landed back on that…maybe Aaron was right? Maybe he was using Vic as an excuse to keep it quiet, to keep it secret because if he really spoke the truth, he'd have to really face the whole story that came with it…

And stop lying about himself. 

And about Jack.

One of those things was more important, and he could feel Aaron agreeing with him, and he sighed because he missed him. He missed Aaron and felt like a heel for driving him away. _It's temporary. He'll come back. You're together now…there is no turning back._. He wanted to trust the instinct. He wanted to believe it. But people didn't give him second chances, as a rule, even if he trusted Aaron to be different, it was hard to believe it was possible. 

He dialed for the cab. He needed to know he could leave Emmerdale at the drop of a hat — he wouldn't do it, he just wanted the ability. He rolled his eyes at himself, but he didn't have the strength to fight it. Soon enough, he was waiting outside and couldn't tear his eyes off of the Woolpack. Was Aaron inside? Was he thinking about him? Would he forgive Robert? Or was he too angry and too hurt? Robert hated he wanted to keep Aaron a secret…

Aaron was his and that being hidden that felt wrong. 

He slipped into the back of the taxi, brusquely told the driver where to go, and pulled out his phone. He opened a text to Aaron and stared at it, unsure if he should send one off or wait for Aaron to come to him. But he was the one that'd made Aaron feel unwanted — that was a part of it, wasn't it? He made Aaron think he was ashamed, he knew that wasn't true but he knew it looked like he was, he wasn't, not really. He was afraid of what the truth might unleash. Afraid of the weight of the consequences. 

He should reach out, he thought, but couldn't figure out what to write? An apology felt wrong because he wasn't going to act on it, it'd be empty words, and Aaron deserved better. He tried to find a truth he could send him, and the only one that came to him was Aaron was his home. He shut his eyes and let himself feel the wholeness that came with the knowledge. Aaron's eyes appeared in his mind's eye, and he felt an ache to touch him, hold him, and look into those blue eyes and know he was being seen. All of him, and he was loved anyway.

But he'd never said the words out loud to Aaron. He wasn't texting them. Robert slumped down and shoved his phone in his pants. Maybe the words would come to him. He looked out the window and saw the farm come into view and felt a heaviness drag him down further in the seat. He told himself it was just a farm, just a house, and tried to forget it was the setting of the worst moments of his life. 

Including last night when he'd felt powerless and horrible. When he'd let down Vic and Aaron. He would never step foot inside it again — Jack wouldn't let him for one thing, but more than that, he didn't want to. Whatever good memories it'd once held were destroyed by the bad…. It made him want to run to even look at the house. All it did was remind him of his shortcomings and the secrets he kept locked inside. 

"Thanks," he muttered and paid the taxi driver. 

He was unlocking the door to the car, intent on getting away from the farm as quickly as possible when he heard the farmhouse door open. He looked up, praying it wasn't Jack and felt relief when it was Vic walking toward him. He wanted to see her, even it kept him here longer than he wanted. He needed to look in her eyes and make sure she was okay because he knew the pain of a parent turning into something you couldn't bear to look at. 

He dropped his keys on the driver's seat and closed the door. Vic barreled into him a second later, and he wrapped his arms around her. Thinking she seemed so small, but her arms were painfully tight around him. He relished it because at least for now he hadn't managed to lose her too.

"How did you get home?" she mumbled.

"Aaron drove," Robert said. "I was…"

"Shocked, disgusted…" Vic looked up at him, her hazel eyes shiny, and he realized they were swollen from crying. 

"Yeah," he said because it was close enough to the truth. 

"I just…" she sniffled.

"Hey," he hugged her into him again. 

She let out a small sigh of relief, and he wondered how she could find comfort with him — he'd left her, maybe his hand had been forced, but he'd left her. For years. And he'd put off contacting her until he couldn't stand it any longer. He'd punished himself by not contacting her, that was the truth. But it'd also felt selfish, so finally he called. But he'd still kept her at a distance, and he nearly let her down by not coming back for her wedding. 

"I'm sorry about the wedding," he muttered. 

Vic snorted into his chest. "Don't be… It's happening, and I'm going to be happy."

She sounded so strong, and he leaned back and looked at her.

She looked defiant. "Adam and I were up all night, we were deciding what to do? Give in to Dad, postpone the wedding and see if he listens to reason — which, I tried this morning and…" her voice broke, but she inhaled sharply. "We decided that if Dad was going to make us choose. We choose Aaron."

"Good," Robert said, and he felt relieved by it, but not surprised. He knew Aaron would win… the one thing he knew for sure was Aaron would be at his sister's wedding. 

"Which," Vic sighed and rubbed at her eye. "If he doesn't come, will you give me away?"

Robert blinked. "But Andy…"

Vic shook her head. "No, I want it to be you, Rob."

He felt blindsided. 

"Don't look so shocked, I love ya."

"I just… I've not been around."

"And maybe that's why," Vic said. "Please? It'll be a bit like having Mum, you know?"

He nodded because he did know, he knew, and their mum was why he'd decided to face Emmerdale for Vic. "Yeah, alright."

"Brilliant," she smiled, and he couldn't stop himself from smiling back. 

"Want to get something to eat?" he asked her as he realized he didn't want to be alone. And he did want time alone with his sister. To just look at her and drink her in, take the time to get to know her again. Because it'd been years and she looked grown up now, she was a woman. He wanted to know her and about her plans for her future. 

Vic's smile widened, but her phone went off, and she pulled it out of her pocket. "Hello…Oh…really? You're amazing, you are, I'll be right there."

Robert felt his heart sink.

But Vic shot him a brilliant smile. "That was the woman who is tailoring my dress. She's just got a zipper in that was giving her fits, and she wants to get me in before the weekend for a fitting — maybe the last one. I can go now, wanna take me?"

"To a dress fitting?"

"It's my wedding dress, Rob… we can talk in the car. The shop is in Leeds."

He sighed but found himself nodding. 

"Perfect," she said and walked around his car to the passenger side. "I'll just text Adam."

Robert nodded and got into the car. It wasn't quite how he planned it, but he was going to be spending the day with his sister. And he knew neither one of them would bring up their father again... He could focus on someone besides himself and all the things screaming in his head. He glanced over at her and heard Aaron… _Tell her about us._ He tensed at the thought, but it was there, inside of him, and he knew it wouldn't go away. But maybe, maybe, if he and Vic managed to just focus on each other and the positives…maybe Robert could contemplate telling her. 

At the least, about being bisexual. His jaw clenched, and he mumbled. "It's just a maybe." 

"What?" Vic asked.

He shrugged and mumbled nothing — another lie.

**

Aaron

Robert ran away.

And Aaron ran. 

Whenever his head got too full, and he felt like it might explode, Aaron ran. He ran his feet into the ground, and he ran until his clothes were damp with sweat. It would help him clear his head. It stopped his heart from pounding from the weight of emotions and turned it into exertion instead. It'd started when he was younger, and a therapist told him he needed to stop exploding outward with his fists. And his temper was always there, under the surface, and when he felt like it might erupt, he ran. 

It kept him in shape.

He gave him clarity. 

It was meditative. 

It wasn't working. 

He groaned, the pavement felt too hard under his feet — and usually, he liked it, but it wasn't helping. It wasn't tearing his focus away from the turmoil in his heart. His chest hurt, and it wasn't because his breathing was fast, his pace was good, he wasn't running too hard, he had it under control. It wasn't helping him control the absolute mess in his head. He knew he'd triggered Robert's flight response. Triggered the fear that had him pacing the room like a wild tiger. Aaron knew he pushed. And he felt right and wrong about it. He felt guilty, but he couldn't regret speaking up. 

Robert had frightened him too, seeing him ready to run like that — to just tear out of Emmerdale without looking back. The same jolt of fear pressed against him now and made his throat feel tight. He slowed to a stop and reminded himself to breathe. It was hard not to be afraid he'd pushed Robert to far, and that he might leave Emmerdale. He let out a small breathe as instinct told him to calm down, and he heard Robert's voice clear in his head, telling him he couldn't leave without Aaron. No, not wouldn't, couldn't… 

Robert couldn't leave without him, not when they'd just found each other. There was no going back. 

But it didn't mean Aaron hadn't hurt Robert. It didn't meant Robert hadn't hurt Aaron. They were both hurting, and their differences were the reason. Aaron needed the truth because he hated lies. Robert breathed lies and secrets, and Aaron thought it must be exhausting. Robert kept his life in two places. Out and In. In London, he was finally out and admitting to himself who he really was and who he wanted to be. But in Emmerdale, he was a lost little boy, who thought no one saw him — except for a father who hated him for it. 

Aaron's heart broke, and he stopped running. He put his hands on an old wooden fence, on the side of a gravel road, no one drove on any longer. He was miles from the village, but his heart was still in Robert's room. He pushed him too hard last night, he'd gotten too upset. He shouldn't have made an ultimatum. He didn't need Robert to shout about them from the rooftops. He knew Robert loved him. He saw it in his eyes and felt it in his touch. He believed him when he said he couldn't leave without him. It was just that his insecurity rose the minute Robert started talking running away and only telling Vic….

 _Someday_

Aaron accepted his limitations. He knew he couldn't just be a someday, not when it came to Robert. Not when it came to them, they were too huge to hide. They were forever, and Aaron loved him. Aaron loved him, and he couldn't keep it a secret, he couldn't hide it…. But he'd try to for a bit longer because it was what Robert needed… even if just the thought of it grated. He sighed and hoped he could live with it, just long enough to give Robert time. 

Because Robert _needed_ time. He was panicked at the thought of telling Vic the truth. Of speaking the word bisexual. He was terrified Vic would put everything together, and it wasn't an unfounded fear. Aaron understood that, and he knew Robert was holding on to the truth for a myriad of messed up reasons. But it was the self-hatred Robert felt that clawed at Aaron's skin. It was like Robert believed he deserved the pain that came with the lies. Like he was taking on some sort of deserved punishment. 

Aaron couldn't look at the amazing person Robert was and go along with that…he couldn't keep his mouth shut when he believed unlocking the secret might give Robert peace. It wouldn't be right away, it would take time, but Aaron was positive in the long run it would be healing. But the problem was it wasn't his call, and Aaron shouldn't have pushed it. The timing was off, Robert was sick and upset about Jack hurting Vic. Robert had felt like he'd let Aaron down for not stopping Jack's actions. He'd been too vulnerable, and the truth was no one can push someone into saving themselves. Aaron knew that better than most. He wanted to apologize for pushing but knew he couldn't because, in the end, he'd been honest. And honesty was a piece of who they were. There were no lies between them. There was only the truth in the spaces between and around them. Maybe that was just how it was when a relationship was built on keeping each other's secrets. 

They couldn't lie to each other. And not lying was why he hadn't heard from Robert yet, and why he hadn't tried to reach out… They both meant what they said, so it was hard to find the right words to say to reach out. What could be the reaching out point? 

Aaron pulled out his phone and stared at the screen. Any message he sent would feel concrete and solid, but what was there to say? They were at an impasse, but there was no turning away from each other, either. But one thing that been nagging at him all night and all morning… He's shouted he loved Robert and they'd never spoken the words. Aaron had tied it all up in his anger and his fear, and given Jack's twisted parenting that felt fundamentally wrong…So maybe starting to clear that up and make it positive was the doorway back to Robert? He opened his phone and typed out six words.

**

Robert

"Well, Rob?"

He looked up from the wedding magazine he was absently flipping through while he waited for Vic to be fitted into her dress in the back of the dress shop. The first thing he saw was her smile. It was dazzling and made her eyes spark. He was looking at pure joy, and it was shocking to see it. Robert felt dazed and thought Adam Barton might faint when she showed up at the end of the aisle. His sister was beautiful, but it was more than he thought as he made himself look at the dress. It didn't matter much to him, all that mattered was the smile on her face, but she wanted his opinion. She seemed to care what he thought — and until he inevitably destroyed that, he would give Vic what she wished. The dress was simple but pretty, and it fit her perfectly. He looked back up at her face, and for a split second, he saw their mother, and it hurt. It was always a sharp stab his heart, and he hated it. But it was easy to keep the smile on his face because Vic was standing there absolutely radiant, and maybe it meant their mum knew. Maybe Sarah was with him, and through him, she'd be with Vic on her wedding day. This was why he decided to drive down to Emmerdale. To bring Sarah with him, to be there for Vic and remind her about how much their mother loved her. 

"You look like Mum."

Vic shook her head. "You think?"

"I know." 

She laughed happily, but her eyes got shiny, and she looked away from him, which was for the best because he felt the same emotion clouding his eyes. "I'm just gonna change back now… they said it's ready to take home. Which is a huge relief, I was afraid it'd be a last minute drive up here closer to Saturday."

"Perfect," he said. 

Vic nodded. "It'll just be a few minutes."

"I'll just keep reading this scintillating material," he said and waved the magazine. 

She rolled her eyes at him and vanished. He dropped the magazine and started just wandering around the shop and tried to calm his thoughts about Sarah. It was always hard to think about her. There was the pain of losing her and the deep loss that he knew defined him. That he knew made him angry, and he knew that would disappoint her. He knew she'd be ashamed at how selfish and materialist he'd been in the past. But he also knew she'd want him to be happy, but he wasn't sure how… And he pushed that away, he always pushed that away and thought he'd get there. But now he'd found Aaron and last night had shown him happiness wasn't magic. He was going to have to do some work. He was going to have to look inside in ways that terrified him. He wondered what she would say to him? If she knew some wisdom that would help him? He sniffed and knew he would trade her for Jack in a splitsecond. Everyone would be better off. Vic wouldn't be having her wedding marred, and Robert wouldn't be afraid of losing Aaron because he was terrified to be himself. With her around, maybe he would be out to the people that touched his heart and not strangers… 

_It's what she'd want._ He thought. Was it too late?

"Rob?" Vic pulled him out of his thoughts. 

He forced a smile to hide his turmoil from her, but it bloomed into a real one because Vic was still radiant. She was feeling the joy and hope for her future and was going to marry the man she loved. He wondered if she looked into Adam's eyes and saw her home? He hoped the joy wasn't tampered with for a long while, that any thoughts of Jack and his hate would stay clear of her mind. It was better she was focusing on her future. 

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yes…it feels more real." She held up the garment bag. 

He opened the door to the shop for her, and they stepped outside. "I'll put in the back," he muttered and took the garment bag. He fussed with it as he settled into the back of the car. Eventually, he heard Vic laughing from behind him, and he glared back at her. "Just making sure it's secure."

"It is," she said. "You're always such a mother hen."

"Am not?"

"Are," she smiled. "I've missed it."

Guilt flooded him.

"Don't do that," she shook her head and hugged him, tucking her head under his chin. "I'm so happy you're home."

"Me too," he whispered, but he was thinking about Aaron. 

She pulled away, and their eyes met, and he watched her smile fade, and her eyes flickered with pain. 

"Don't," he said

"It's just…Dad…" she let out a breath of air and started blinking her eyes. 

"Shh," he said and hugged her again. 

"Let's just go home," she muttered after a minute, and they both got into the car. Robert started it and pulled into the street. But when he glanced at her, he saw a tear slide down her cheek. 

"Vic…" he started but stopped because all the things he should say scared him silent. 

"Did you know?" she asked. "That he's…. he's…" 

"Uh, no..what?" he felt cornered by the question and gripped the steering wheel and hoped she wouldn't notice his white knuckles. 

"That he was…that he is…" she groaned. "I can't even say it, it's so awful, and I never noticed… I can't say it, and I feel guilty about it because of Aaron. Did you know, though, Rob?"

 _Did he know?_

He tightened his grip on the steering wheel, but his hands felt sweaty, and it felt like his heart was in his throat. It seemed such a simple question, but he felt blindsided by it. Was that naive given the situation? He felt sick and wished he'd thought to brace for this. Did he know Jack was homophobic? _Thwack._ There it was the belt against his back. The memory was back in vivid color and sound. But he remembered the real pain had never had been the leathering. It was the hate in Jack's eyes, and it'd only gotten worse over the years. He kept his eyes on the road and tried to form a lie, but it wouldn't come. 

"Rob?"

He inhaled sharply and realized he'd stopped breathing. He felt Vic's eyes on him, and when he glanced over at her concern was etched on her features, and he felt like he was falling. "I…" 

"You did?" Vic asked.

Robert sighed. 

"Because of Aaron?" she asked. 

"What?" he said, his voice sharp as more panic ate at his insides.

"I know you knew about Aaron, Rob. That he was gay… I don't know why you pretended you didn't."

"Well, just it's Aaron's business, innit," he muttered.

"He had such a big crush on you," Vic said and laughed a little. "Oh, God! Please don't let that make you feel weird, or tell him? He'll kill me." 

"It's …okay… he was a kid," Robert closed his eyes and thought about Aaron. Then and now. They were always connected, and though he'd never noticed Aaron's interest, he'd always noticed Aaron. He was his ally, his quiet friend. 

"But is that how you knew about dad?"

"What? No…Aaron barely knew he was gay." 

"Did Aaron talk to you about it?" she asked. "I just thought you knew because of his crush."

"I didn't know he had a crush on me…" Robert said, and something about it nearly made him smile. Thinking about Aaron helped, it was keeping him even, and maybe it'd help him get through this conversation with Vic. They were veering off-topic, but it wouldn't last long. 

"How could you miss it?" Vic laughed. "So, he told you?"

"Maybe, I don't know, I don't remember," he lied, wanting to keep their secrets, but he glanced at Vic, and she gave him a sharp look in return. 

"You're lying."

"It's private, Vic…" Robert sighed. 

"I'm just…" she smiled. "Aaron trusted you, that makes me happy."

It made him happy too. 

Vic sighed. "But Dad? You weren't surprised, were you?"

"No."

"Why?"

Robert snorted. "Why do you think? He always thinks the worse of me, Vic. I do it back… we can't stand each other." 

"I…" she shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Rob… I always thought you two were just…I thought it could be fixed. But this… I feel like I never knew him."

"I wish it was different, Vic."

She looked behind her, and he realized she was looking at the dress. 

"I can't get married without Aaron… but is that wrong? Am I wrong to chose him over my father?"

"No," he said it fast. "Not at all. I get…wanting Jack to come around Vic, but… Choosing Aaron is the right call."

"It's what you'd do?"

"Yes."

"It's right, you're right…I know it is. Because Dad's wrong…" her chin wobbled, and she cursed.

He hated seeing her cry, but there were no words to offer, so he reached out and squeezed her shoulder. 

"Ugh, my eyes are stinging. Do you have any tissues?"

"Maybe in the glovebox?" 

Vic sniffed and opened it, started going through the miscellaneous things he had stuffed in there. "I'm sorry."

"Vic, it's your wedding, alright, you're allowed to want it to be perfect."

"I'll have to settle for close to perfect…" she sniffed. "Ah, there are some I'm shocked." She held up the tissues and laughed a bit. 

"I do have a nose, you know," he muttered.

"Yeah, but you're a bloke." She wiped at her eyes and blew her nose.

He made a face.

"Sorry, not ladylike enough?"

"You've never been ladylike," he laughed.

Vic wiped at her nose and took a breath, then she stared at him again.

"What?"

"You meant it, you'll walk me down the aisle?" she sighed. 

"Yes, yes." Robert squeezed her shoulder again. "Mum would want me too, and, more than that, I want too, Vic, I do. I…" he glanced at her. "I…it's hard being back here, but I don't regret it... You're too important to me."

Vic grinned, but then she sniffled. "Rob…you've made me cry again."

He sniffed too and decided to keep his focus on the road.

She opened the glovebox and grabbed a few more tissues, and something fell to the floor. "Oh, sorry, I'll get it."

"It's probably nothing." He shrugged.

Vic reached down for whatever fell and came back up, looking at him oddly. "Uh…Rob?"

"Yeah?" he glanced over at her. 

A keychain was dangling from her fingers. His bisexual pride flag keychain was dangling from Vic's fingers. He quickly looked away from it, and it wished that meant it'd disappeared. 

"Rob, is this?"

"Is that what?"

"It's the…yeah…yeah…this is the bisexual flag, isn't it?" Vic said.

"I have no idea," he lied and glued eyes back on the road and wondered if he might pass out. 

"It is, I'm pretty sure it is."

"Huh?" 

"Why was it in your glovebox?"

"No clue."

"Why aren't you looking at me?"

"Vic, it's a keychain…. I guess I liked the colors…" his hands slipped on the wheel because every part of him was sweaty. He cleared his throat and kept looking straight ahead. But he could feel her staring, and he just prayed she'd buy his lie and drop it. 

"Rob, are you…" 

The jolt of panic he felt helped him not hear the full question, but that didn't make him safe. He wasn't safe. He pulled to the side of the road and slammed on the breaks. He could get away from this, it'd be fine, he could get away. 

He got out of the car and walked away, he kept a quick pace, but he heard his name being shouted, so he quickened his pace. He couldn't let her get close, he couldn't hear her questions. Not until he figured out a decent lie, something he could charm her into believing. Something that would save him from the truth. But nothing believable was coming to him, he felt struck dumb. There had to be something that would make sense that she wouldn't see through. But every thought that popped into his head felt as ridiculous as him claiming he liked the colors. He felt spun out, and a few things finally sprung to mind: It belonged to an ex, maybe the first owner of the car had it… No, no, it all sounded mad, so he kept moving and pretended he didn't hear Vic calling his name from behind him.

Robert spotted a fence and decided to jump over it, maybe Vic would be deterred. It led him down a hill, and he spotted a footbridge, so he ran for it, he ran for the bridge and hoped it would get him far enough away. But her voice was still behind him and as he hit the bridge his phone went off. Or rather the ringtone he'd assigned for Aaron played, and it got through his head and stopped him short. He opened his phone and blinked at the message. 

_I meant it, I love ya._

In that second he could breath. 

"Rob, Rob…finally, you stopped…" Vic was closer by second.

He shoved his phone into his pocket and gripped the railing of the bridge. 

"Rob?" Vic stood next to him and her voice was soft. 

"Yeah," he said.

"I'm confused," she muttered.

That made him laugh for some reason.

"Rob? Are ya, bisexual?"

He swallowed over the lump in his throat and pulled out his phone again — he needed to be sure he hadn't summoned Aaron's text. Somehow, he felt like he was floating. He wanted to run and he wanted to stay. He looked at the text and it was the same six words. 

_I meant it, I love ya._

"You are, aren't ya?" Vic asked again.

He nodded.

**

Robert 

Robert was too aware of his breathing. It felt like he was doing it wrong, and the air wasn’t really making it into his lungs. He needed to calm down, and he glanced at Aaron’s message — the words sliding right into his heart, and he breathed with more ease. He pushed his phone into his pocket and gripped the railing, he needed a tether to the ground because the urge to run was familiar and easy to cave into, and he was used to caving.

But he was standing still, and maybe he was white-knuckling the railing of the bridge, but he was standing still. It felt the air hit his lungs and slowly breathed in and out, and the panic started to slowly ebb away, he hoped the urge to run might fall away with it. 

He heard wood creak under his sister’s feet and glanced at her. She was keeping him in place. A piece of him felt trapped by it, he was an awful person, because that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t his sister caging him in and surrounding him with pain and fear — that was Jack. And himself. All his choices were his own. Robert ran, he buried it and he lied to himself that he was strong — and for a while, he would believe it. Until it would crumble to the ground, and he was exhausted from it, from the extremes, from the two different lies he told himself. He wanted a middle ground, he was craving it. He wanted to tell the truth — but it terrified him. And his sister was standing next to him, just out of touch — probably afraid to step too close. Sensing his turmoil and seeing he was ready to run, again, to fly away — _one foot out the door_ Aaron’s accusation and Aaron’s pain echoed in his head. 

Aaron.

It was Aaron, too, keeping him in place, making him grip the railing of the bridge. Aaron loved him, and he wasn’t deserving of it — but it was true. He felt it, it curled around his heart and whispered to him that Aaron was it for him. Aaron was his home. He should be stronger, he should fight for Aaron, for them because the love he felt — it was ordinary. The wood creaked again, a reminder his sister was waiting on him. She was being patient and kind. He didn’t deserve her, either. It was Aaron and Vic that had him fighting the terror that made him want to run. It would be easy to cave into it, but they held huge pieces of his heart. They owned it. He glanced toward Vic, and she was looking down at her hands, and he saw the flash of purple-pink — the keychain. 

_The truth._

He pulled one hand off the bridge, he didn’t dare release the railing completely and yanked his phone out of his pocket. His text screen was still open, and Aaron’s message was there. 

_I meant it, I love ya._

It was real, but he needed the reminder. He might always need the reminder. It was hard to fathom that someone loved him. But Aaron did. Aaron loved him, but he was angry, Robert knew he was right to be — but there was no giving up, Aaron was fighting for Robert. For them. _I meant it, I love ya._ The message was clear, it meant Aaron wasn’t giving up on them. It hurt Robert to know it, despite how he wanted to cling to it. To cling to someone giving a damn, because he didn’t feel worthy. Would he ever? But how could he? Just last night, he’d given in to fear and the ugly voice in his head that always echoed Jack. Just last night, he’d driven Aaron away because of his silence and fear. He hadn’t even thought to try to stop Aaron, he’d let him down all because he’d been terrified to promise one thing… 

To tell Vic the truth about him. About them. 

“Robert?” Vic said, her patience wearing thin, but her voice was cautious. “Are ya?”

_I meant it, I love ya._

Maybe he should do something to deserve it?

“Rob…” there was Vic was again, soft and cautious. 

“You weren’t meant to find that…” he muttered.

“The keychain?” 

“You weren’t mean to see it…” he mumbled. “I hid it…I buried it.”

“Buried it? Rob, I don’t understand.”

He closed his eyes. “I never could.”

“I don’t understand,” Vic whispered again.

“I tried to bury it, but I never could — I don’t know why I hid the keychain, I felt wrong doing it, but I did it anyway. I let him get under my skin before I even laid eyes on him. His voice just echoed in my head, telling me to bury it, and I thought — I was here for you, for your wedding, and it’d be best if he just thought I had...it was best for you.”

“You aren’t making sense.”

“This is hard, Vic,” he breathed because a part of him was fine with her not understanding. A piece of him never wanted her to understand, he didn’t want to hurt her more than Jack had already managed. But he couldn’t lie to her anymore, the need, to tell the truth, was getting louder because it was starting to become clear to him. It was either let the pain he carried go, or he had to run away one last time and never look back. 

It was either Jack or the two people who mattered most to him. 

Of course, he picked Vic and Aaron. 

But hurting Vic hurt, it was a pain in his chest, and he just hoped Aaron was right, and the truth would, in the end, ease that pain. “It’s Jack… he wanted me to bury it.”

“What?”

“I hid the keychain, so I could keep it buried while I was here, so he wouldn’t kick up a fuss about me seeing ya.”

“No…” her voice broke, and tears rolled down his cheeks because it hurt more than he thought. He was killing any hope she had left about Jack, and he hated giving her the pain he’d lived with since he was fifteen. “I didn’t want ya to know, I never wanted you to know.”

She shook her head, eyes wide, and she stared at him. 

“He knows, Vic… he knows.”

Her eyes closed, and tears slide down her cheeks, and her pain felt palpable. His eyes stung, and more tears flooded his face. He wiped at his own and wished he could wipe hers off of her face. He wished he could take away the pain he was causing, and he wanted to hug her, but he couldn’t. He didn’t feel like he could, not when he was creating the need. 

“How long has he known about ya, Rob?”

“Since I was fifteen…”

Her eyes went wide. “You’ve…he’s… I.”

He nodded. 

“He’s why you’ve hidden it?” 

He nodded.

“He’s…” she sobbed. “What happened, Rob?”

“No…” he gripped the railing as the impulse to run shook him. He felt like he was quaking with it. He didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to answer it because her heart was already broken enough. 

“Please,” she whispered, and she took his hand into hers. “Please, tell me?”

“I don’t know how…” his voice broke and he inhaled sharply, the truth would hurt them both, and he wanted to run. But he wouldn’t, he couldn’t really, not now. 

“Please, Rob?”

“You’re sure?” he asked her, already knowing her answer but hoping for an out — he was a coward. _No, you’ll do this._

“Positive.” Vic nodded.

“Do you remember the summer after Mum?” 

“Yeah… It was sort of the worst, and the best summer of my life rolled into one. I was so sad, all the time — but some of my best memories of Adam and Aaron are from that summer.”

“That was the worst summer…” his voice broke. “No, the worst year of my life, Vic. I was so angry, Vic. Angry Mum died, angry Andy caused it, angry Jack wasn’t angry at Andy…” he shook his head. “I felt so alone.” 

“I’m sorry…” Vic stammered.

“Vic, you were a kid… it wasn’t your fault.”

“I shouldn’t interrupt, go on, please?”

“Don’t know if you remember, but Jack hired a farmhand, around my age, haven’t thought about him in ages, his name was Mark, I think. We got on…”

“You liked him?” Vic pressed.

“Yeah…maybe. Or something close to that…. He liked me, and I felt…attracted to him, too, and he made me feel less alone. I told myself it didn’t mean anything because I still liked girls, I’ve always liked girls, and I didn’t really understand. I didn’t want to understand. At the time, I just wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to enjoy something that felt nice.”

“I never noticed any of that…I don’t even remember him?” 

“You were a kid, Vic, and the truth is, I hid it…I needed to hide it.”

“It wasn’t wrong, Robert.” She placed a hand over his on the railing. “It wasn’t.”

He felt jolted by her touch by the comfort, and it made the truth of her words curl around at his insides. It was warmth and love. It was the familial love that he craved more deeply than he realized. He swallowed over a lump in his throat. “I thought it was…I was afraid I was.”

“It wasn’t,” she said, her voice strong, and it made him remember Sarah. His mum and her constant love…he savored it, instead of shoving the memory away. He deserved to remember. 

“Robert…what happened? Dad found out, didn’t he?” 

_THWACK._ He flinched, his hand nearly flying out from under Vic’s. But she pressed her hand down, eyes on him and she looked panicked and concerned. “God, Rob, what happened?”

He clenched his jaw in an attempt to stop more tears from falling, but his chin wobbled, and his eyes stung — it was like a muted reminder of the belt. And he could hear it, feel it, he didn’t need reminders. He wondered if he would ever stop feeling the sting, every time the memory surfaced? Would it always transport him back in time into that room?

“He caught us,” he whispered and wished he could leave it at that…the urge to run was thrumming through him again. He flipped his hand and gripped onto Vic’s. He needed to be rooted down, and the railing wasn’t strong enough. He gripped onto her hand tightly and hoped it wasn’t bruising her. But he couldn’t let go, he didn’t dare let go… He needed more grounding, and he yanked out his phone with his other hand. Robert stared down at Aaron’s message at his name and tried to breathe. 

“Rob, what did he do?” Vic pressed, she wouldn’t let it go.

“He threw Mark out, told him to never come back,” he said, putting it off for another few seconds.

“To you, Rob?” her voice broke.

“That was the day I stopped calling him Dad, Vic…” his voice broke. “I stopped seeing him as one…” he shook his head. “I wanted to protect ya, Vic, from this..”

“I don’t need ya to…” she said. “Please, tell me. What happened?”

“Jack and I, we had this huge fight, big blow out in front of everyone — Andy taking his side, and that just made me madder. I ran into the house, Mark was the only one to follow me. He said Dad sent you to the Barton’s, Andy went off with Katie, and Dad told him he wouldn’t be back until late…” he sighed. 

“I never should’ve agreed…” he shook his head.

“To what?”

“I wasn’t about to follow Dad’s orders, so Mark said we’d do what we wanted…which was, well… you know.”

Vic nodded.

“We were fifteen, it wasn’t much…not really. I was too afraid, really, but…I wanted to.”

“Rob?”

“I…agreed and I tried to pull him outside, we had all sorts of spots on the land. But he said we should go upstairs, we were alone, and he wanted to do it on a bed.”

“Oh…” Vic said. 

Robert blushed and nodded. “We went upstairs… and it was nice, it was making me forget the fight, it was making me feel wanted…” he stopped short when he felt the hit of the belt again. 

“Go on,” Vic whispered.

“We’d left my door open…” Robert whispered. “Suddenly it slammed, it made me shove Mark off of me — we were, shirtless… And Dad was standing just inside my room, his fist clenched…never seen him look that angry before.” he shook his head. “I’ve never been so scared, Vic… I was speechless. I just watched him twist Mark’s arm behind his back, open the door and run him out of the house. I didn’t move, didn’t say a word, I just let him toss Mark out.”

“Rob, you were kid….” She said. 

Bitter bile rose up. “Yeah…I was a kid. I just sat there, kind of half on and half off my bed, shirt off and terrified. I can still hear his boots, Vic.”

“His boots?”

“As he came back up the stairs, they were so loud on the wood, the wood creaked, then my door creaked — I’d closed my eyes, afraid to see him again, the look in his eye Vic. It was so dark. I’d closed my eyes…”

_THWACK._

“There was this noise, I couldn’t place it, it made me open my eyes.”

“What?”

“It was his belt.”

“No…” Vic whispered.

“He hit his hand with it a few times. It was folded up…’

“Rob?”

“He started saying things, over and over, about me being wrong, and twisted — and how no son of his would ever….” Robert shook his head. “Don’t think he ever said the word, though, he sounded so disgusted. I wanted to argue, I wanted to deny anything happened, I wanted to tell him I wouldn’t do it ever again, but I couldn’t talk… And then…”

_THWACK._

“I heard the belt again, and he grabbed me... And then I felt the belt.”

“No,” Vic’s voice was small.

“He leathered me, Vic.”

She sobbed and shook her head.

“I’m sorry…” he said and yanked her into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

She clung to him, she shook from sobbing, and her tears were getting his shirt wet, but he held onto her. Robert shook too, and his face was just as wet as hers. He was trying to breathe and escape the sense memory of it all. He was tired of reliving it, exhausted by the pain of it… he prayed this might lessen that moment’s power. “I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over. 

“No, no…” Vic started muttering, she said it over and her. And her voice became louder each time, then she shoved them apart and looked up at him. Her eyes were glossy, and her make up was a mess. “I’m sorry, not you, Rob… I’M SORRY.” 

“You didn’t know,” he shrugged. 

“You were a kid…” Vic shouted. “I… how didn’t I know? Did Andy know?”

“No, no, Andy doesn’t know.”

“Yet…” Vic muttered darkly.

“Vic,” he shook his head. 

“I just… how didn’t I know? He hit ya?”

“It was my back, I kept my shirt on for a month…” 

“And no one noticed? You had to carry that by yourself?”

“Well…” Robert sighed and thought of Aaron.

“Someone knew? Who knew…why didn’t they help ya!” 

“Give me…a second.” He let go of her and turned back to hold the bridge’s railing, gripping it again. Robert looked down at the water underneath and thought it looked peaceful, and he wished he could feel it — could feel some peace. He took a deep breath and looked at her. “Don’t be mad at him, Vic. For not telling you, I begged him to keep it quiet.”

“Who?” she demanded.

“Aaron,” he breathed. 

Her mouth dropped open. “My Aaron…” 

_No, mine,_ he thought, but he nodded. “I begged him to keep quiet. He saw my back one night when he was sleeping over… I begged him to keep quiet, Vic…it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t deal with it. I just wanted to forget it ever happened.”

“Did…did Aaron know why?”

“Uh… Aaron knew about Mark and me…so yeah, he figured out why…” Robert sighed. “Aaron’s always known.”

“About you?”

He nodded.

“And about…Dad…” Vic grimaced. “I feel sick.”

“Vic…it’s alright — ”

“No,” she screamed. “You were a kid, Rob. You were a kid, and he… This is it? Isn’t it? This is the real reason he kicked you out — it wasn’t really about Katie, was it? It was this? This is how I lost ya…” she wiped at her eyes. 

“I’m right here,” he mumbled.

“With a foot half out of Emmerdale,” she cried. “And you were gone for so long, and when you finally called, you were always so distant…and you’d shoot down any suggestion of coming home.”

“But I did…” he argued. “You’re getting married, Vic. I meant it what I said before, I couldn’t let you do it without me — without Mum,” his voice broke. “I just never wanted you to know about Jack…I wanted to protect ya.”

“So, you meant to lie to me about who you really are, forever?”

“I wanted to protect you, Vic…” he whispered.

“I don’t need protecting, Robert… I need you! I want you in my life. YOU. And you shouldn’t be ashamed… Dad should never have made ya feel… He hit ya, he leathered ya…” she wiped her eyes. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed, Rob, he never should have made you think…”

He wiped at his eyes.

“He… God…” Vic shook her head. “He only put up with Aaron because he didn’t know for certain, didn’t he? All these years, I made excuses whenever he got short about Aaron, tossing it up to his stubborn Dingle bias… All this time, I thought you and Dad were just too alike, too stubborn to admit you were ever wrong… I don’t even know my own family, at all, do I?”

“I’m still me, Vic.”

“No, Rob…you’ve been hiding your real sexuality to make someone who hit ya, happy.”

He flinched.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I just… he’s Dad… but, but, I don’t think this is forgivable. I don’t… And Aaron kept that secret all this time, from me?”

“I begged him, Vic. I begged him to be quiet, to keep my secrets… it wasn’t right, but he kept them because they weren’t his to tell.”

“I should’ve known, Rob…you’re my brother.”

“You know now…” he muttered.

“I should hate him…Dad, not Aaron. I should hate him…”

“If you figure out how, let me know?”

“You don’t?” she stared at him surprised.

“He’s our Dad…” his voice broke. “I might not call him that…I think he never knew how to be a father to me — even before he found out… I can’t look at him without feeling that belt…” he flinched. 

Vic wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned against him. “I can handle it…it hurts, but now I know he won’t change. All the excuses and hopes in my head for him to come around. That’s all wishful thinking, isn’t it? He’s gonna keep hating Aaron for no reason, and it’s the reason he’s so foul to you…” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t, don’t apologize for what he’s done,” she said, and she tightened her hold on him, and he felt squeezed for dear life. And it felt good, it felt better than good. It felt solid and painful in all the right ways — because his sister loved him. She believed him, and she still loved him. 

“I really wanted to protect you from this.” 

“I don’t want that… I rather know the truth, Rob.” 

“I just…” he turned to make it a full hug, the need for reassurance overwhelming. Immediately tears fell from his face and into her hair, but he held onto her. He wanted to feel her strength because everything was starting to feel real. 

He’d told.

He wasn’t supposed to tell. 

It was never meant to see the light.

He wasn’t supposed to feel lighter for it.

But he did. He felt lighter. Robert felt heard. He felt loved. His little sister was squeezing the air out of him because she loved him, and she believed him with no doubt, no hesitation. Maybe it was Jack’s foul behavior toward Aaron for the past week, the homophobia so obvious and undeniable. Maybe that was why it felt so easy, but no, Robert believed Vic’s reaction always be unconditional love. Always. 

Robert didn’t know what to do with that, fresh tears formed and fell, and he inhaled sharply, needing air to breathe, but it wasn’t about heartbreak or fear. It was closer to happiness, it was closer to the feeling he got when he fell into Aaron’s eyes and felt like he belonged. 

He kept clinging to Vic but maneuvered to glance at the text again, and he allowed himself to smile. It would never feel perfect, there would always be pain, and maybe Jack’s voice whispering in the back of his head would never completely fade...

But Robert could do this now. 

“Aaron…” he breathed.

“What?”

“Vic…” he stepped backward and smiled at her. “You saw the keychain.”

She nodded. 

“You…” he felt knocked over again and didn’t trust his legs, so he gripped her shoulders. “You believe me.”

“Of course I do…” she shook her head sadly. “It makes so many things clear…I hate that…”

He felt her pain and swallowed. “I didn’t want you to ever feel that…feel betrayed by him.”

“It’s his fault, Rob, not yours.”

“I’m working on believing that…” he whispered but shook his head. “I need to tell ya something else.”

She looked panicked. “Did he hit you more than…”

“No, not…that was _enough_ …” he shoved the memory away with ease he’d never felt before. “No, what I need to tell ya, it’s good.”

“What is it?” 

He grinned at her and thought about Aaron, past, and present, and knew it was time for all of their secrets to come spilling out. He could do this, for Aaron, but also for himself. It was time. “I’m bisexual.”

“I’m proud of ya, Robert.” Vic smiled.

“And, I’m in love with Aaron,” he said and felt his mouth curl up into a wide grin, one that didn’t want to stop and threatened to hurt his face. He wanted it too, he wanted to let himself feel what it was like not hide it. Not to hide this large piece of himself. “I love him, Vic.”

“But…” Vic shook her head. “Rob…you didn’t even recognize him.”

“Yes, I did.”

She shook her head. “No, they told me…”

“I said goodbye to him, you know.”

“Come again?”

“When I left, Vic, when dad kicked me out.”

“You what?”

“I couldn’t leave without telling him.”

“Just how much has Aaron kept from me?”

“Don’t be mad at him.”

“I’m just….”

“He kept my secrets, I kept his too…“

“You didn’t guess he was gay? He told ya?”

Robert nodded.

“When?”

“Maybe he should tell you,” Robert said. 

“Oh…well, yeah, I guess. You said goodbye to him? You didn’t even say goodbye to me.”

“I wanted too, Vic. Jack wouldn’t let me.”

She nodded.

“I tried to just leave, I wanted to leave, I drove so fast…but I ended up turning around. I had to see Aaron first…and say goodbye. It was awful, but there was this moment when he hugged me, and for a brief second, the last thing I wanted to do was leave Emmerdale.” 

“He hugged ya?” 

Robert nodded. “It was hard to let go, I didn’t understand it at the time… I thought about it from time to time, trying to figure out what the feeling was...wondering what Aaron was up too.”

“Figure it out?”

“Yeah, the first second I saw him when I drove back into town.”

“Rob, again, you didn’t recognize him.”

“It’s been seven years, Vic, he was fifteen last time I saw him. Of course, I didn’t recognize his face…. Will you let me explain?”

“Alright, I’m sorry, I’m just confused.”

“I nearly hit him with my car, went to yell at him about it, but he was yelling at me…” Robert grinned. “But then I was struck by lightning, Vic. I saw these blue eyes, and I fell right into them and felt like I was…” he sighed and shook his head. It was crazy, and it made no sense, she wasn’t going to understand, but it was his truth. “I was staring into these amazing blue eyes, and it felt like I was… Home,” he breathed it and closed his eyes. “You have to understand, Vic, that’s not something I’ve felt since Mum…”

“Oh…that’s…”

“Odd, strange, makes no sense? I don’t care, Vic. Once I realized it was Aaron, it all fell into place. That feeling I had when he hugged me seven years ago, how I didn’t want to leave… it was because I belong with him, and I don’t plan to ever be without him.”

“I was gonna say that’s amazing…and it is, Rob.”

“Yeah…” he smiled, but it faded as he flashed back to the night before. “I screwed up, though…I screwed up.”

“With Aaron?”

“I let Dad…” Robert sighed. “I let Dad treat him like he did, and then I got frightened, and I wanted to run away, but he wouldn’t come with me…”

“Wait, he feels the same as you?” she asked.

“I hope so…he’s the only reason I didn’t leave town last night. He’s…he’s why I stopped on this bridge and didn’t keep running from ya…well, you too…I’m all wrong, I was all wrong and I tried to bury it all again… Vic, that he hasn’t given up on me…” he shook his head. 

“You two really are together?”

“I hope so,” he breathed again. “He’s mad at me because I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t commit to telling you about us, and I wanted to run away.”

“Oh…but you’ve told me.”

“But…” Robert lifted the keychain out of Vic’s hand. “You forced my hand.”

“Did I?” She said.

“Didn’t ya?”

“You just said he kept you standing here, Rob, Aaron.”

“He texted…” he held up the phone.

She grabbed it, and he let her. Her face shifted as she read the screen. “Oh my God, it’s true...he loves ya.”

Robert laughed and took his phone back. “If you hadn’t found the keychain.”

“That wasn’t me, Robert.”

“What?”

Vic smiled. “It was Mum.”

He stared at her blankly. 

“Think about it Robert… You didn’t wanna come back, even for my wedding, but you did because you wanted to honor Mum. You wanted to here for me because of her, for her. It was her that got you in the car, got you to Emmerdale, and I guess, back to Aaron.”

“That’s…”

“You think Aaron’s your home, Robert, because of what his eyes?”

“Well…” he nodded. “It’s visceral Vic when I’m with him, there is just this pull that draws me closer and closer in. And it feels…so right.”

“I felt Mum in the wedding shop… when you saw me in my dress and told me I looked like her. I felt her with us, Robert. And in the car, what you said about wanting to be there for me, and that you loved me. How you will walk me down the aisle… I felt her with us again, and then I had that keychain in my hand.”

“I…” 

“Maybe you needed a cosmic push or something, Robert… But you’ve told me everything, maybe there is a good reason for all of it.”

“How are you so optimistic?”

“Don’t know…” she wiped at her eyes. “I’m hurting a lot… more than that, really. But… I’m getting married to Adam — and he’s everything to me, and my best friend is going to stand up for us. And my favorite brother is going to walk me down the aisle.”

“Favorite, huh?”

“Maybe…” she smiled. “It’ll suck not having Dad there. But it is what it is. Because I want you there more. I want you to know I love ya, and I want you to be happy. If that’s Aaron... if he is how you keep smiling like you are right now… that’s pretty perfect.”

“I was so afraid…I was terrified, I let Jack get in my head last night, and he was still there just minutes ago, Vic,” he gulped air. “He’s always going to be in here… and I hate I’ve ruined him…”

“Dad did that, Rob, on his own, before you were back, Dad ruined things. And you don’t have to be alone anymore, not because of him…I promise.” 

He wiped at his eyes, but he laughed. 

“What?”

“I don’t want to run.”

“Good, cause I’m tired of seeing the back of ya.”

“Yeah…” he nodded. 

Vic grinned and barreled him to him, hugging the life out of him again. He held her just as tight, she was crying, and he felt his own eyes sting — but it was relief. It was amazing. “Vic?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.”

**

Aaron 

It’d been an hour since he sent Robert the text — those six words sent out into the ether. At first, it’d calmed him down, and his run back into the village was easier, the pound of his feet on the ground helped clear his head and cement in his mind he’d made the right choice in offering Robert that olive branch, and the truth. A simple truth. Aaron loved him, deeply and unconditionally. He never meant to say it as a shout — Robert deserved better than that, but it wasn’t something he could take back. Aaron couldn’t take back his anger, he still felt it, he still felt the sharp disappointment and pain that Robert wasn’t ready to tell the truth. But Aaron knew he’d wait for it, that he would stick by Robert and help him. He couldn’t give up on Robert, he couldn’t give up them — he wouldn’t.

He felt positive he'd done the right thing, but it’d been an hour, and Robert was annoyingly silent. Aaron sat in the Woolpack beer garden and stared in the direction of the Bed and Breakfast. There was no sign of him at all, not he expected there to be, but Aaron couldn’t stop himself from looking at the window of Robert’s room. He tried to see if he could catch a glimpse of movement — wanting him to be inside. 

He chewed on his lip and drummed his fingers against his thigh as doubt and fear crawled in under his skin. He’d wanted Robert to understand he would never walk away from him — from them. It was an impossibility. He felt it in how his skin crawled at the mere idea of it, of really giving up on them. He wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. It would be like tearing a piece of his heart out, and he knew Robert felt it too because he’d stayed…

But Aaron also remembered Robert’s fear, how it’d been etched on his face, furrowed his brow and how it made his body movements wild and jittery. He looked ready to fly out of is skin, Aaron could see how the urge to run controlled every one of Robert’s movements. He’d paced the room like it was a tiny cage, stared out the window. His eyes had darted to the door a million times. But he’d stayed, he’d even fallen to knees and pushed between Aaron’s legs, hugging his waist. Aaron could still feel Robert’s grip if he closed his eyes and focused. How hard he’d held on to Aaron — probably in an attempt to chain himself in the room, to help himself not to run. He’d stared up at Aaron and promised he wouldn’t leave without him, he’d whispered it more than once he couldn’t leave without Aaron. 

But he’d still run away from promising to tell Vic the truth. 

Fear crawled under Aaron’s skin again, because he’d been the one to open the door to the room. He’d been the one that fled and what if… What if Robert hadn’t stayed? What if he’d run away after all? 

Aaron tried to tamper down the urge to rush over to Robert’s room and see if his luggage was still open on the floor, his things in slight disarray because Robert wouldn’t put his clothes away in the drawers or the closet. He needed to keep himself one foot out of Emmerdale….because he hated Emmerdale. Only that wasn’t true. Not really. It was Jack, Robert wanted to hate him. It was Jack that Robert couldn’t seem to free himself from, Aaron wished he knew how to dig Jack out from under Robert’s skin. He wanted to be the only one under Robert’s skin — it was his skin to belong to, Robert’s heart was his to burrow into. He wanted to free him from the ugly lies Jack beat into his own son. 

But it wasn’t possible… all he could hope to do was ease the pain, and show Robert the truth, the real truth, that he was amazing as he was…that there was never anything wrong with him, or about him. He wasn’t the sick and twisted one. That was Jack Sugden, but his hold on Robert was strong… 

Had Robert run away?

_No…he knows, he understood._

But his instincts and his insecurities were fighting in his head, his fear he might have done damage by walking away was getting stronger again… A part of him was positive, Robert understood his text, knew every single nuance that Aaron had been trying to convey in those six simple words. That Robert would just feel the truth of it. But the silence was maddening because Aaron really believed he would have heard from Robert by now.

But there was nothing. No text. No call. Aaron missed his voice, he missed his face. It felt like they’d been apart far too long, and he knew rationally it wasn’t even a full day, yet — but he’d walked away. He was regretting that, but not the reason why. He was craving the sound Robert’s voice, he was craving Robert’s touch — he’d missed him seconds after walking through the door, and it was only getting stronger. He’d stared awake at his ceiling and fought with himself all night, fought the urge to run back to Robert. He was allowed to be upset and angry, Aaron reminded himself, but maybe he’d pushed too hard. 

The text was meant to show Robert he would wait, that he would fight for them, just as hard as he would fight for wanting to tell the truth. He knew the secrets been held long enough, Aaron felt it in his gut, it was a real and visceral as the love he felt when he looked into Robert’s eyes.

It was love, a simple and unconditional love — something Robert had always craved from Jack but was never given. Something Robert lost when he lost Sarah Sugden from his life. He needed it, he deserved it, and Aaron needed to show him, he needed to show him he meant it. He loved him, he loved him enough to wait, to patient. He loved him enough to be honest. He pulled out his phone and looked at the message he sent. It was perfect, it said everything, and Aaron believed Robert understood it…

 _He does,_ Aaron’s instincts whispered. 

But it was just words, and they weren’t even spoken. Aaron got onto his feet as an impulse struck him. He was horrible at speaking, it wasn’t his strong suit because his emotions would choke him, and the words got swallowed up the instant he felt overwhelmed. Aaron needed to do something more to show Robert he wouldn’t give up. He needed to prove to him he would never walk away from them. 

Aaron was inside and up the stairs in a matter of seconds. He started opening closets, with one specific object in mind. He was loud and disorganized, moving things, and throwing things over his shoulder. Shoving things out of the way and growling in frustration when he found a smaller duffle bag. It wouldn’t do at all, he needed the big duffle bag to really make his point. 

Finally, he found it, grinned in triumph, then he was throwing it onto his bed, unzipping it wide open — and hoped it would have enough room. He started emptying his bureau, underwear, socks, everything he could think of…. Then it was to his closet, where he grabbed all his jeans and hoodies. He wasn’t taking the time to fold them, that could happen later. There wasn’t time to be organized, he just needed to get all of his life into the duffle bag. Everything that he needed to have with him, that showed Robert he was serious — he would be with him. From now until…there was no end in sight. He hurried, wanting to get the packing over with, he felt itchy and restless. He needed to get over to Robert’s room. 

“Aaron?”

His mom’s voice made him freeze, he looked up, his hands stilled on top of the hoodies he was trying to squish into the bag and saw her standing in his doorway, looking confused. 

“Mum…”

“What are you doing?”

“Uh…” he scrambled to try to think up a decent lie, but he couldn’t. 

“Or where are you going?”

“Not far…” he said, though it was only half the truth because by the end of the week, he knew he’d be leaving for London.

“Aaron?”

“I just…” he stammered.

“Where are you going? The wedding is in a few days, I know you and Adam aren’t going to go somewhere… we have everything planned for here at the pub tomorrow.”

“Yeah, of course…” he muttered.

“Are you even going to try to lie to me about whatever this is about?”

He sighed. 

“Aaron?”

“I need to do this…” he said. “It’s important.”

“What’s this?”

“Pack this bag and go somewhere — it’s not out of the village…yet…” he stammered.

“YET?” She sighed. “Are you back with Jax?”

He grimaced. 

“Okay, no…” 

“Mum…” he sighed. “I am with someone.”

“What, who?”

“I can’t tell ya…” he muttered.

Chas’ hands hit her hips, and she gave him a look, one that always made him break down and tell her everything when he was a kid. One that still got to him now, and he groaned. “Well,” she said, expecting it to work because it always did. 

“He needs me to keep his secrets, just a little bit longer, Mum,” Aaron allowed it to slip. 

“Some guy needs ya to lie for him?”

“No…to hold his secrets,” he said, trying to explain their pact, but it put Robert in his head, in his heart, and he started smiling. He couldn’t stop it, this was just how it was… “Mum, he’s…” Aaron smiled. “He’s everything.”

Chas blinked. 

“I love him,” he whispered and looked down, tried to curb his smile, but it was too late because saying it made it wave through him stronger. He loved Robert, and he needed to go show him. 

“Aaron…this makes no sense... You’ve been single for months.”

He looked back up at her, still smiling and shook his head. “It’s going to look fast, it will seem fast but the truth his, Mum. It’s always been him, and when I tell ya who, maybe you’ll understand.”

“Are you on something?” Chas asked her eyes wide as she stared at him.

“I’m not going far, you’ll see me.”

“You think I’m gonna forget that _yet_ …”

“I have to go with him when he leaves town,” Aaron admitted.

“Why?”

“I told ya, I love him….” His grin widened.

“Some mystery man?”

“Not to me,” Aaron whispered. “I wanna tell you, Mum. I want to tell you everything, but I can’t. I promised him a long time ago that I would always keep his secrets — but it’s not going to be for much longer. It just can’t be…” Aaron hoped. “But right now, I do have to keep them, and I need him to know I will — so I have to go to him right now.”

“Now?”

“Now,” Aaron said. “I need to show him I’ll never walk away.”

“You’ve lost the plot.”

“Maybe, but he’s worth it.”

Chas sighed. “It’s not far?”

“No.”

“Fine…but…I can’t stand this…” she walked into the room and started pulling things out of the duffle bag. “Let’s at least get you packed up correctly…”

He stared at her. “You’re okay with this?”

“I’m going along with this,” she muttered.

“Why?”

“The way you keep smiling…” Chas shook her head. “Every time you mention you love him, you get this smile I haven’t seen since you were an innocent little kid…” she trailed off. “It’s been a long time. I just hope whoever this man is, he’s worth it.”

“He is, Mum.”

“He better be.” 

It took fifteen minutes longer than Aaron’s patience wanted it to take, but he was finally outside of the pub, with the duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He paused, though, just to make sure his mum wasn’t watching him. He’d made her promise not to because the last thing Robert needed was her putting things together before he was ready. He’d already said too much, because if Vic and Adam had always known about his crush on Robert, his mother probably did as well. They never talked about it directly, but Aaron remembered a lot of dried tears, ice cream, and hugs after Robert left Emmerdale. He remembered missing him, and his mum’s voice promising it would get better. It was always there. Him and Robert. And his mother was the clever sort — when he could tell her the truth, Aaron didn’t expect her to be surprised. 

Once he was sure she was distracted by a customer, he hurried off toward the Bed and Breakfast, thankful it was a short walk. He headed for the back door again, feeling well-practiced at sneaking inside after a week. As usual, there wasn’t anyone else in the back halls and stopped in front of Robert’s door and hoped people stayed away until he got the lock picked. He was a Dingle, after all. He pulled out a paperclip, he’d grabbed for the occasion and quickly picked the lock. 

He stepped inside he searched the room for signs Robert hadn’t left the village and breathed out a sigh of relief as his eyes instantly fell on Robert’s opened suitcase on the floor by the closet. His eyes scanned the room and saw a few other miscellaneous items that proved Robert hadn’t run. _You knew it,_ he breathed and finally managed to silence the insecure voices in his head. 

He stepped inside and dropped his duffle by the suitcase. Then he turned around in the room and wondered what to with himself. There was no telling how long of a wait was ahead of him. He ended up sitting on the bed and pulling out his cellphone and thought about texting Robert again — but it felt wrong to follow his last message with something as innocuous as asking him where he was…so he sighed and started to chew his lip and drum his fingers against his thigh again as impatience buzzed under his skin. 

“Vic, it’s fine if you leave it here. You can get ready in here too, on the day, you know. Anything to make the wedding as perfect as possible…”

“Are you sure?”

It happened quickly, one second, there was silence, and the next, Robert and Vic’s voices were carrying through the door, and the knob was being turned. Aaron panicked and shot off the bed, ready to go hide in the bathroom to protect their secret. But he remembered the duffle, and there was chance Vic might recognize it as his, so turned for it, but he was too slow. The door opened, and they were inside, and there he stood there in the middle of the room, with his hands shoved into pockets. He shifted on his feet and tried to look as natural as possible and prayed Robert would have the perfect lie on his tongue. 

“Aaron…You’re here,” Vic said, but her voice sounded strange. 

“Uh, yeah…I was just…” he stammered.

“Aaron?” Robert breathed. 

Aaron couldn’t stop himself from smiling because there was his face, his perfect freckled face, and he missed it, he missed him. He tried to curb it, he prayed Vic wouldn’t notice him — or Robert. Because Robert was smiling back at him, and there was this intense light behind his eyes that told Aaron he was happy to see him too and their gazes locked. And Aaron couldn’t stop himself from glancing toward his duffle bag, needing to tell Robert exactly why he was in his room. 

Aaron watched his eyes dart to the bag and back, his eyes questioning him, asking him if he was sure. Aaron nodded, before nervously glancing back at Vic, which made him pause. Because she was smiling at him, weirdly, her whole face was crinkled up, and she looked like she might be crying, which made him worried. He opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, totally forgetting he had no explanation for being her brother’s room. 

But strong, large, perfect hands grabbed his face, and his attention was spun back to Robert. Right where he wanted it to be, and he was lost in green-blue eyes and half wondered how Robert gotten so close to him so fast. Then he felt confused by the intimate touching, but he never got a chance to question it, because Robert’s lips pressed against his…and _Robert Sugden was kissing him._ All Aaron could do was grab onto his biceps because his knees were threatening to give out on him, but Robert dropped a hand from his face and wrapped it around his waist to hold him up. One of them sighed into the kiss, and Aaron forgot everything else because there was only being in Robert’s arms again because it felt like it’d been far too long. 

“Ok, yeah…uh, get a room…Really, guys, I’m happy for ya and all, but I don’t need to see that much tongue from my brothers…”

Aaron blinked at her as he and Robert broke their kiss, but stayed chest to chest. He gripped onto Robert’s biceps harder as he glanced between the two of them his kiss dazed mind trying to catch up with everything that was happening. 

“Vic…” Robert’s voice was deep as he glared at her. “Just hang up your dress and leave. We're in our room.”

“Robert?” Aaron whispered, and he was staring into his eyes again and digging his fingers into his biceps to both get his attention and to make sure this was real. “You told her?”

“All of it, Aaron,” Robert whispered as he ran his thumb into Aaron’s cheekbone. “No more secrets.”

**

Aaron

It was time for the first dance, at least that was what Andy was yammering on about as he stood in the center of the village hall. Aaron fiddled with his tie and sought out Vic and Adam. He found them slowly breaking eye contact. They were standing close, their noses nearly touching and looked as if they'd been pulled out of a trance. They'd fallen into their own world, and Aaron felt a bit annoyed they'd been pulled away from it because this was their day, their wedding. Shouldn't they be left to be?

But they both smiled, and with Adam's arm around Vic's waist, they made their way to the center of the makeshift dance floor. Both of them grinning widely — glowing, really. Music started, and Aaron fell into the past. He didn't know the song, really, yet he recognized it. It'd been the first song Adam and Vic danced too, years ago when they were barely teenagers. Back then, Aaron felt alone and pushed to the side, as his two best friends found something amazing in each other. Aaron had thought he'd never find it, that he'd always be on the edges and never feel what it was to get lost in someone else's eyes. 

It used to make him envy them, feel jealous, insecure, and alone. But he'd forced himself to be happy for them, he told himself they deserved the connection they shared — even if he might never have it, himself. Aaron remembered that the first time he'd seen Vic and Adam dance, he'd walked away, the loneliness festering inside of him, making it impossible to watch. 

But he'd come a long way from being a kid terrified he'd always be alone because he was afraid he was broken. He knew he wasn't broken, he knew who he was and felt comfortable in his own skin, and that feeling was only getting stronger. So, Aaron smiled as Vic looped her arms around Adam's neck, and Adam tightened his hold on her waist. He chuckled as they laughed as they came together and moved to the music, and their eyes locked. Aaron watched them fall back into their own space, their own bubble, and felt relief they were back in their own world. It was what the day was about and all he felt flattered they'd wanted him to stand up for them, that they'd given him a place in this day — because the truth was he'd never been an outsider to them, no matter what the scared boy of his past felt. 

"Stop fiddling with your tie," Robert said, his voice right near Aaron's ear. Aaron's eyes closed at the sound of him, and he leaned back. Felt Robert's chest against his back, and his hands dipped lower onto Aaron's hips, gripping him tight. Aaron was still in awe of it, of Robert, of them…because he was why he felt true contentment and why the lonely voice inside of him wouldn't rise up with envy. It couldn't. There was nothing to be jealous of, he'd found his own amazing world. 

And they were real, and Robert belonged to him. He had since Aaron was a kid, and he found himself in possession of the truth about Robert Sugden. Not his secrets. Those were just things Aaron kept. No, he knew the truth about Robert Sugden. That was the real secret Aaron had kept for years. He knew Robert loved deeply, Aaron knew the loss of his mother cut deep slashes into his soul that made him angry and afraid. He knew that Robert was insecure and scared and fighting feelings for boys that he didn't understand — and that he had a father who called him sick and wrong for it. Who hurt him for it? Aaron knew his pain and his fury. But beyond that, he also knew Robert's heart. He knew Robert cared deeply, and if he cared, he would listen. He would take care of you if you were afraid. 

Aaron knew his kindness. He'd been touched by it, and wasn't that the biggest secret of all? Robert Sugden was kind. And maybe that was one he got to keep because he was the only one who saw the real reason Robert lashed out and wore his anger like armor. He was still the only one who'd seen the real scared and sweet boy underneath the bravado he formed to survive an abusive father. It was all Aaron's — even if the secrets were out. 

He turned around in Robert's arms, smiling at how Robert loosened his grip only enough for Aaron to spin to face him. Aaron stared up at him, taking in his freckled nose and his blue-green eyes — and how light he looked. He always looked bright, but now he looked light. There was no more gray in his eyes, not the color but the emotion, and there was no bent to his shoulders. Robert looked younger than his years, he looked like always should have — smiling and happy. Robert didn't look ready to run or awkward about where he stood. His eyes weren't darting around and looking for the nearest exit. Robert wasn't carrying deep pain around with him any longer, and he was standing straighter because of it, and he looked truly happy. 

Aaron hadn't known what real happiness looked like, or felt like, until Robert held his face in his hands and whispered that there were no more secrets. Those words were the most beautiful things he ever heard, they'd knocked him sideways, and he'd gripped onto Robert for dear life and made him repeat it to him over and over again… 

And he believed it, because he could see it. He believed it because Robert Sugden was holding onto him in the middle of the village hall at his sister's wedding reception. They were there, together, and everyone in the village knew it… Robert was being his full self, his real self, and he looked beautiful for it. 

Aaron took Robert in and his new lightness, and he felt lucky. He felt blessed and at peace. It was something he'd once thought impossible. He felt loved because Robert's gaze was pure and laser-focused. It was intense, and Aaron swore he could feel the gaze. Sometimes when their eyes met, he swore he felt dizzy, truly knocked off his feet. And Robert barely looked away from Aaron, so it was a constant feeling and one Aaron hoped it never ended. Robert never stopped touching him, either, like maybe he was afraid Aaron might disappear — afraid it might end, and Aaron knew both of them thought maybe the other was a dream. 

If it was, Aaron hoped he'd never wake up.

"It's too tight," Aaron mumbled, referring to his tie. 

"I like it on," Robert's voice was low, and it made Aaron's insides curl, made him wish they were alone. 

"I rather it be off."

"Not in public." Robert winked, but then he started to fiddle with it himself, and Aaron felt it loosen, and he breathed out in relief. "Better?"

He nodded and ran a hand down Robert's spine and smiled as Robert's eyes fluttered closed at the action. "Hmm…" Robert hummed, and his eyes opened. 

Aaron smiled. 

Robert echoed it. 

The music changed, and Robert's eyes flickered over Aaron's head. "This is Mum's favorite song," he said. 

"Is it?"

"I think…" Robert stayed staring over his head, a soft smile on his face. "She's so happy."

Aaron nodded, knowing if he turned, Vic would still be glowing in Adam's arms. "She got her perfect wedding."

Robert's face fell.

Aaron pressed his hand against Robert's lower back, moving his hand up slightly. "She did."

"Sorry…I just…"

"What?"

"It's not a struggle, not really… I just never wanted her to know."

"I know."

"But…" Robert's eyes met Aaron's, and he shook his head. "I was so afraid of telling the truth for so long, terrified, to the point of constantly running — hiding. But…" he smiled. "I was so fucking thick…because I haven't regretted it once, not really. Hurting about Vic seeing him for who he is… that's not regret, that's just…"

"Being a brother," Aaron said.

"Yeah…" Robert tightened his grip on Aaron's hips. "I think I've got a lot to work out, still, but I don't want to run, I don't want to hide. I especially don't want to hide you — that I ever thought I could, for even a second… I'm so sorry, Aaron."

"Stop…" Aaron blushed and shook his head. "Robert…" he sighed. "Everything you went through, what he put in your head… it was too much, it would be for most people. You did it though, you pushed through it, and you told her. You could've lied to her and spun a story."

"You'd think that… I'm so good at lies, but not one lie occurred to me."

"Then maybe it was just time for you to speak the truth."

"Yeah… Vic thinks it was our mum."

Aaron laughed.

Robert smiled. "Maybe she's right, to a point…in a way, Mum is why I came here, to be here today for Vic. But…" he tried to pull Aaron closer, but really there was nowhere for Aaron to go. 

Aaron pushed himself more into Robert, though, loving the feel of his heat and the scent of his overpriced cologne. "What?"

"You…are," Robert breathed. 

"Shut up…" Aaron cut him off, already blushing from an unsaid compliment.

"No, I…."

Someone coughed. 

They both looked toward the noise and found Aaron's mother. He felt Robert tense in his arms and squeezed his arms to reassure him as he rolled his eyes at his mum. 

"Ms. Dingle," Robert said. 

"Oh, Chas…I think now," she laughed. "Given, you boys are attached at the hip."

Aaron blushed, but couldn't deny it was true. 

Robert cleared his throat, and his hand on Aaron's hip loosened. Aaron was afraid he'd let go, but a second later, Robert gripped on even more tightly than before. 

"I just thought you two might want to not stand right in front of the door. You're making people walk around ya." Chas grinned at them with amusement before she darted off, again. 

Robert laughed and looked around, his eyes going to the dance floor. "I say we back up a bit and get on the dance floor."

"You're joking," Aaron laughed. 

"What, no, I'm not…" Robert grinned, and Aaron felt his heart stutter until he felt Robert pushing him by his hips back toward the dance floor. "Rob…" he warned.

"Come on, dance with me," Robert's voice dropped. 

"No way, mate…"

"So, not your mate," Robert let his hands drop lower on Aaron's hips. 

Despite himself, Aaron pressed in and felt Robert's heart against his chest. He felt himself shuffle even closer and looked into amused green-blue eyes. "I don't dance."

"We'll see."

He scowled up at Robert.

Robert's eyes darkened, and he bit his lip. He leaned in closer their eyes meeting, and Aaron knew there was no unmeeting them anytime soon. "God, Aaron…" 

"Rob…" he echoed the rush of emotion, and his hand found itself on the back of Robert's neck, sliding down a bit onto his spine. It felt like where it belonged when he was in Robert's arms. It felt like in Robert's arms were where he belonged, and he sighed in defeat as Robert's hands pressed into his hips and moved them side to side. "I feel stupid," he muttered.

"You shouldn't," Robert whispered. "You look amazing...I can't stop staring. My own sister was getting married, but I spent the whole ceremony staring at you."

"Didn't…" Aaron blushed and wondered why he was denying it? He'd felt Robert's gaze the entire time. He'd looked right back at him.

"Did, and you know it," Robert whispered.

Aaron felt swallowed by the immensity of his feelings, overwhelmed not only by loving Robert but the clarity and knowledge of it. The knowing that he felt deep in his bones — a reminder that he'd known this since they hugged goodbye seven years ago. It'd just hadn't been their time yet, they were just missing the passing years of growth, of finding strength and the spilling of their secrets out into the world. But they'd found their moment, their time, and Aaron had known from the second Robert crashed back into his life that Robert was his. That Robert had always been his because they'd always drawn together. To share secrets, to share the pain, to share big moments that formed them into the men they became… 

It was always them. 

He'd loved Robert since before he knew what love meant.

He pressed himself closer to him and fell into the sway of the dance.

"You're dancing," Robert laughed.

"Shut up…" Aaron laughed with him and got caught up again at the lightness shining on Robert's face, and the gleam of happiness in his eyes. It felt like maybe he had a bit to do with it, and that came with a feeling he couldn't quite process. But he knew it'd been Robert who set himself free, maybe he'd done it a bit for Aaron, but mostly he'd done it for himself. Robert stopped himself from running and took to many burdens off his own shoulders. Aaron held onto him tighter a feeling of pride, a feeling of love crashing over him. 

After a moment, their foreheads pressed together, and Aaron felt warm from their body heat, and like he was, he lost in time. He wanted to burrow into Robert and saw something flash in Robert's eyes — he'd seen it before, but he didn't know what it was and he wanted to chase it. It was something important, he felt in the way Robert's eyes would widen and how his face would soften. He would stare at Aaron like he was amazed he existed. 

"Aaron…" Robert breathed. 

Aaron opened his mouth to ask what…. 

But suddenly, he was being yanked through the crowd and out the doors. Robert dragging them over to the nearby rotunda and pushing Aaron down on the bench there. He sat down next to them, turning into him, and Aaron mirrored him. Hands were on his face, thumbs dragging against his beard — and he'd never tire of it, and he shook as Robert kissed him. Gripped onto his elbows tightly because even sitting, he felt afraid of falling. Because he was falling, harder and harder, with every kiss. Aaron hoped it never stopped. 

"Thank you…" Robert breathed as they parted. 

Aaron shook his head.

"No, don't… Thank you," Robert whispered again and pressed a chaste kiss onto his lips. 

"Robert, you don't…"

"You ruined everything, but it made everything better… and I need to tell ya," Robert said.

He shook his head, confused. 

"I was going to pretend, Aaron. I was just going be here for Vic and do what Jack wanted, let him think I buried it — that I was the son he wanted…" his voice broke.

"Hey?"

"No, it's… I know it's him — or well, I'm working on it."

"It's him," Aaron said. 

"He's not the point…" Robert sighed. "He'll always be in my head, but… I can fight him now, and that's you."

"Vic got you talking."

"No…" Robert shook his head. "You ruined the plan, in every way, _you_. You, you're everything, Aaron."

"Shut up," he whispered the overwhelm of emotion feeling like too much.

"I can't… I need to say this, Aaron."

Aaron nodded and ran his hand down Robert's spine. 

Robert's eyes closed. "I decided to play the role Jack wanted, but the truth is… that plan was doomed, and I knew it from the second I nearly ran into ya with my car."

"You didn't know that was me."

"Yes and no… I didn't place your face, I didn't give myself the time to because you threw me for a loop. You're so beautiful, and I felt bowled over at the sight of ya…"

"I thought you barely…"

"I looked into your eyes, Aaron, and I felt everything I feel right now. Everything I felt when I saw you in the pub. Everything I felt when I broke down in your arms and knew I was safe…"

"Rob…" Aaron's heart felt like it was in his throat. 

"Shh…" Robert kissed him softly. "I… you, Aaron. In that moment on the road, our eyes met, and I knew I was home. I knew _I_ was home, because it’s you. You're my home. I knew it at nineteen when I couldn't leave here without saying goodbye, I knew it when you hugged me… that mad tackle, and for a split second, I thought about staying. And it bore a hole into me, that stayed empty until that first glance into your eyes seven years later."

"Oh…" it was a gasp, and Aaron was fifteen again, for a second. "I thought it was just me that night…"

"No. I mean… You were always… _you_ to me, Aaron. I knew you were on my side, I knew I could trust you — you were always mine, weren't you?"

"Thought you barely noticed me…"

"How could I when you saw me, when you kept my secrets… Aaron, it's always been there, we just weren't ready yet — and maybe I'm still not, but I know. I know who you are to me, what you are to me… _Home._ I thought, I thought, I was losing my mind, and I drove off too quickly, and I wanted to turn around. But I couldn't because I had that bloody plan…" Robert shook his head. "But I kept thinking about this blue-eyed stranger that made me feel something I haven't since my mum died."

"Robert…" Aaron pushed himself closer to him. 

"I…maybe circumstances pushed Vic into figuring me out, her finding the keychain — but Aaron. You're why I stopped running, you're why I told her about him. You're why I feel… good in my own skin, for the first time since I was a little kid." 

Aaron bit his lip and stared into bright blue-green eyes, he felt it, the love there, it was intense and focused. It was wide-eyed and surprised, like Robert was still in awe that Aaron was there, was his… they both felt it, and Aaron hoped it never dulled, that it was always sharp. He nodded and held Robert's gaze, too weighed down with the immense love he felt to speak. 

Robert nodded back and pulled him tightly into his arms and kissed the rim of his ear. Aaron felt his breath before he heard the whisper. "You're my home. I saw ya, I saw your beautiful face and your perfect eyes — and I knew I'd found my home. Realizing it was you, _you_ , my Aaron, the bearer of my secrets….it feels too good, it feels too right. I keep wondering if I'm going wake up and found I dreamt all of this."

"You didn't, it's not…" Aaron stuttered 

"You're where I belong."

"Forever," Aaron whispered against Robert's lips as they fell into a kiss. 

They didn't break apart until there was a creak of wood and a clearing of a throat. They pulled apart slowly, and Aaron felt frustrated because he wanted to feel the deep rightness of Robert's arms around him. But whoever it was cleared their throat again and he heard Robert groan in annoyance, as they somehow pulled apart enough to look at the intruder. 

It was Jack Sugden. 

Aaron gripped onto Robert tightly, afraid he would spring away — run away. But he didn't at all. Instead, he wrapped his arm around Aaron's shoulder and pulled him closer, turning them both to face Jack tucked together. Side by side. Robert didn't budge from his seat, he wouldn't stand for Jack. His shoulders and jaw stiffened, and Aaron could sense that he was afraid, but it didn't stop Robert from staring right at Jack, behaving like he was unafraid, and Aaron fell more in love. 

"What?" Robert asked after a minute of silence. 

Jack snorted, making Aaron tear his eyes away from Robert's face and really looked at the man. And for the first time in his life, he thought Jack Sugden looked awkward. He looked smaller, somehow, and Aaron blinked at the shock of that… But then he scowled because Jack's mouth twisted in a line, the expression dripped with contempt and disgust. It didn't matter he wasn't defiant with it like he'd been the past two weeks, it didn't matter he seemed a bit small, it was still there. Disgust, as he looked at his own son, and Aaron knew it hurt Robert. 

Maybe he could move on from it now, but that didn't stop the pain. 

"What?" Robert repeated when no words follow the snort. 

"I want to see your sister," Jack said. 

Robert laughed. 

"Get her," he commanded. 

Robert stared at him incredulous and Aaron shook his head. 

"You heard me," Jack snapped. 

Robert was on his feet in a flash, face hard, and he stepped into Jack's space. "Are you fucking for real?" 

"Get her," Jack repeated, but he stepped back as Robert stepped forward. Aaron couldn't help wondering if it was fear or disgust. Both? Robert sighed and looked at him, as if asking him what he thought he should do. Aaron shrugged. 

"No," he said, looking back at Jack. 

"What?"

"You heard me…" Robert scoffed. 

"Robert…" Jack's voice was hard. "Get your sister, now."

**

Robert

Robert felt cold the moment he let go of Aaron, but he felt the need to stand between Jack and him. To keep them apart and separate because Aaron was good, and Jack was bad. Jack was darkness and lies and Aaron was hope and the truth. Loving Aaron was pounding in his chest, it was every beat of his heart and his father was like a storm circling them — one that scared him, despite himself, despite his forward momentum.

The fear was unwanted and he wished he could discharge it, vent it out through his hands and throw Jack backward… but his stomach turned sour at the thought of the violence. He couldn't — no, he wouldn't do that to anyone, not after having it done to him. He stared at Jack, knowing it was his hands that bruised him, beat him, but no, not even Jack Sugden deserved his fists. But he couldn't stop his hands from curling into one and sighed, took a breath, and reached back with one hand. 

Aaron's hand was there in a flash, less than a second, calloused palm pressed against his own, warm and solid. Their grip was tight, reassuring and it held the promise of never letting go… Robert sighed and felt grounded and stronger and knew he was in safe hands.

He focused his gaze on Jack again and saw the thinned line of his mouth and the grim expression on his lined face. It was pure disgust like it always was between them. Jack looked at him and saw something sick and twisted and he was repelled by it… 

This time Robert was repelled back because he was done. He was done wishing he could please Jack, that he could shift and contort himself into something he wasn't for the sake of having a father. Jack Sugden stopped being his father a long time ago — sooner than they understood, Robert thought as he stared at the man in front of him. He watched Jack's eyes flare with anger, and his eyes dropped to see his father's hands curled into fists… 

And he flashed to his room, to being with Mark on the bed and having a pure moment of fleeting joy turned into something tragic. It hurt, the memory always did, but it was only a memory. A flash. One second and it was over. He wasn't transported back there, he didn't hear the sound of leather as it smacked against his father's palm. He didn't feel pain blooming on his back. His throat went dry, but the memory didn't pull him under. A sigh of relief left his mouth. 

"Boy…get your…" 

"I already said no," Robert cut him off.

"You're why I'm not in there, boy…." Jack barked, and he stepped forward, his eyes darkening.

Robert laughed. 

Jack stopped short at the sound of it. 

Robert kept laughing. 

"Robert…" Jack started. 

"You're daft. You're a fool, Jack. I'm not to blame for you standing out here."

"You turned her against me… making her believe that story…"

"I didn't lie, Jack, and we both know it …don't pretend…"

"It wasn't like you made it out to be…that beating…it was for your own good."

"You're sick," Robert breathed. "That you believe that is sick."

Jack scoffed and his eyes flickered from Robert to Aaron. Angry eyes fell on their locked hands and his mouth twisted. "I'm not the one who is sick…" he muttered. 

Aaron squeezed his hand tightly. A hard reminder that Aaron was on his side, that Aaron had his back. That Aaron stood with him and always would. Aaron believed in him. Aaron loved him — somehow, for some reason, and Robert knew he'd spend a lifetime trying to earn it. 

"No, Jack. It is you." 

Jack looked away from them, over their heads really and towards the village hall and when his eyes landed back on Robert he gave a familiar order. "Bring her to me."

"No," Robert barked. "I'm not ruining her day, she hasn't allowed you to ruin it for her, and I'm not messing that up. You'll have to miss it, miss this moment in her life because she can't look at you right now. You'll have to miss her looking beautiful and like mum… She's glowing, she's happy, and it's despite you and your cowardice, Jack. I won't ruin her wedding, especially not for you." 

"This your revenge, boy?" Jack spat out.

Robert shook his head. "You think I wanted to tell her what you are?"

"You're the one who did it boy, turned her against me when it was you asking for it…"

"Jack…" Robert sighed. 

"I couldn't set you right…" Jack kept talking. "I tried to get through to ya, tried to tell how wrong it is …it's like you want to spite me. Always have, haven't ya…I wanted to love you, but you chose this, Robert. But even so, you're my son, and you caused her to shut me out, so, you will bring her out here now."

"You're delusional…" Robert whispered. 

"That is my daughter you're trying to take!"

"YOU LOST HER," Robert shouted. 

"You…." Jack lunged forward all anger and curled fists. Robert felt Aaron pulling him back, probably on instinct, but he forced himself to stand still. To stand strong, and he narrowed his eyes and met his father's angry gaze. 

Jack froze. 

"What, Jack?" Robert shook his head. "What else can you say? You've already called me sick, twisted, a pervert…" he sighed. "You've bloodied my back and used shame to silence me. I nearly let you win…" his voice broke, but he went on. "And, yeah, Jack…some small, sad piece of me still wishes I got the dad Andy and Vic knew, but the truth is you never managed that even before you knew I liked men. What was it, Jack? Was it cause I was smart? Was it me being clever really that much of a threat. Or was it because I wanted to be more like mum than you…I hated muck and mud and the farm animals. Did you really hate me just because I wouldn't walk in your shadow?" 

He paused for a breath and felt Aaron tightened his grip on his hand and felt how close they stood. Not a breath of space between his back and Aaron's chest. His constant strength and he held on tighter. His focus fell back on Jack, who stood there, avoiding Robert's face, his lips thinned and pressed tightly together. Robert cleared his throat and stepped forward. Jack looked up and Robert forced their eyes to meet. 

"You don't get to blame me, Jack. You don't get to intimidate me any longer. It took me too long, but I broke your hold on me… I told the dirty secret you can't live with. I like men, _your son_ likes men — and guess what no one cares. This village has been nothing but accepting since I spilled the secret. They've watched us dance, Jack. Me and Aaron and no one blinked. It’s just _you._. You're the one who is wrong. You're the one who is disgusting, you're the twisted one. You beat your own son for liking a boy… And Vic knows and sees the truth now. It's just a matter of time, Jack. Before she tells Andy, Diane… and the whole village knows. The world will know you stopped moving with it and are stuck in a dark and boring past. The secret is out, you're a small man, Jack and not some legend."

Robert blinked and realized there were tears in his eyes, but they weren't from pain or anger. He really didn't feel angry — not anymore. He felt certain. He felt sure-footed. It was a relief, and it was flowing through him. It was a sensation he was learning. He was speaking his dark secrets, over and over again, he was sharing them with the world. And the more he spoke his truth, more and more weight lifted off of him. And it caused pure relief to flood him from the inside out. It couldn't be quantified or even spoken. He felt stronger stronger and he felt like he could breathe. Really breathe. He blinked a few times and felt a tear escape down his cheek. He blinked to clear his eyes and looked at Jack. 

And he looked small. 

He looked pathetic. 

Jack stood there at his full height, but he didn't look tall. He didn't look intimating. He looked broken. He looked old. His face was lined, and his expression was a mess of disgust and confusion. Robert felt sadness for Jack. It wasn't empathy or compassion. It was pity. 

"Just go, Jack… no one wants you here." 

Their eyes met, and Robert felt it in his bones that it was for the last time. It would be the last time he saw disappointment and disgust. There was a minute nod from Jack, an acknowledgement that this was it — it was over. Everything between them was done. Jack turned and walked away, he faded into into the darkness after a few moments and Robert exhaled as another wave of relief washed through him. 

He felt Aaron's hand on his spine. It was a heavy and comforting press of comfort, and he curved his back, curling into it because it felt amazing, and he would never move away from Aaron's touch. But he didn't need the comfort, not in the way Aaron was offering. Jack wasn't under his skin, and any last vestiges of power left were exorcised now. Robert laughed from the relief of it all. He'd done it. Finally. He'd set himself free from Jack Sugden.

Robert knew who he was and where he belonged — he turned around, and Aaron's hand fell onto his chest. He grabbed it and pressed it there, right at his heart, and stared into Aaron's eyes. Those blue blue eyes that promised him something he'd thought he lost when his mother died. 

_Home._

"Home," he whispered, and Aaron blushed. "Home," he whispered again just to watch Aaron's cheeks deepen into a rich pink. 

"I'm proud of ya," Aaron said. "That was amazing."

It was his turn to blush. 

"I mean it," Aaron repeated. "But…"

"I'm fine," Robert cut him off and shook his head. "I'm really okay, Aaron. I can't… the relief I feel right now, the relief I have felt since I came clean to Vic…" his sniffled, tears surprising him again and he never knew tears could be happy until now. "I'm fine."

Aaron's hand was on his cheek, trailing the tears and shook his head. 

"It's good," Robert tried to explain. 

"Is it."

"Better than…" Robert pulled him into his arms, into a sudden embrace and buried his face in his neck. Inhaling the scent of him, the smell of his home, and his life. He still wasn't sure he deserved Aaron, or how he'd found him in the first place. "How did I get you?" 

"How did I get you…" Aaron echoed. 

They both laughed. 

Robert breathed him in some more.

Aaron pressed his palms down his spine. 

"Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"We'll make our own secrets, won't we? A lifetime of secrets between us that are ours, that are for us?"

"Yes," Aaron breathed. "Our secrets, not yours, not mine, ours." 

Robert nodded and pulled back just far enough to see Aaron, to fall into his eyes. "Home."

"Stop it…" Aaron blushed. "Weird pet name, innit?"

"But it's true and…" Robert looked toward the village hall. Where their families were, the people both of them loved more than anything — Vic for him, Adam, his mum and Paddy Kirk for Aaron. He sighed and looked back at Aaron. 

Who met his stare with curiosity. "What is it?"

"You're home…my home."

"Me too…"

Robert smiled. "I just…I want us to go to London, I need us to…"

"I told you, Robert. I'll go with ya."

"But, you'll miss them."

"I can visit," Aaron muttered. 

"That's the thing."

"What?"

"I promise you, we will… I promise the second Vic and Adam get back from their honeymoon we'll visit. If you need to see your mum before then, we'll visit… I won't keep you from Emmerdale, Aaron. Your family is here, the whole crazy lot of them. And Vic's here…and I need to see her more."

"You hate Emm…"

"No," Robert breathed out. "I hate Jack, I hated he made me hate this place… I don't mind Emmerdale, not really."

Aaron smiled but he shook his head. "Jack…"

"Will stay in his corner, and I'll stay in mine."

"Vic might…"

"Forgive him? Or try too…" Robert shrugged. "It's up to her, right? It won't change me and her. This is your home, Aaron."

"No…" Aaron shook his head. "You are, that goes both ways."

Robert felt his insides flip and held onto Aaron harder because he'd made Robert's world tilt again — he wondered how often he'd fall even more in love with him. "Alright… so we'll visit a lot, but we'll also go to London and start a life together, where we make our own secrets…"

"Where we're both always home."

"Yeah…" Robert whispered, breath on Aaron's lips before he kissed him. 

_Home._


End file.
